Ok, so this one is definitely the last review that I’ll be doing on the original series. Because that’s right, this is Degrassi’s swan song, a cheesy made for TV movie. Most people here in the states never saw it until it was released on DVD with the Degrassi High box set. I know that was the first time I ever saw it. Back in 07 I wrote a short blog about this on Myspace. Shit, remember Myspace? Anyways, this review will be split into two parts because this movie is just too epic for just one single entry.
We open with Joey looking into a jewelry display case and of course the ring he wants to look at is way too expensive for the likes of him. All of a sudden we see that there’s a graduation going on, but it’s the original 8th grade class so why the hell is Caitlin there with them? And it’s like Saved by the Bell. It’s the smallest graduating class ever! I wonder why Joey isn’t at least watching his girlfriend and friends graduate? We cut yet again from Joey being cheap to Wheels looking smelly and greasy as hell, and he just bought a shitty looking station wagon. I gotta say, glad he finally got rid of that horrible mullet. Now he’s upgraded to Bon Jovi hair. Joey finally get’s his ring, a piece of crap that’s 65 bucks. Turns out that Lucy is class valedictorian. She gives out the typical cliched speech about moving into the real world and Bronco has this huge video recorder taping everything.
As she finishes her speech we see that they’re at a party and this really cheesy rock song comes on and it says School’s Out! in this really ridiculous looking font. Wow, looks like Joey has gotten himself a classic Firebird. He pulls up with Caitlin and they can’t believe that the graduation party is still going on even though it’s midnight. What a couple of lameo’s with that statement. So right out the gate Joey tells Caitlin and the audience that she took a bunch of extra course’s so that she could graduate a year early. Why? It beats the shit out of me. But then again, when did Degrassi ever make sense?
They walk into the party and I’m assuming it’s Bronco’s house. Everyone seems to be there, including the twins, Tracy Morgan, Fat Nancy and the rest of the Degrassi gang. Tracy starts to make fun of Joey for being a dumbass and still being at school. Bronco seems to be interviewing people and starts to harass Joey until he goes outside. Ok, I’ve always thought that Alexa has looked a little dumpy, but she looks banging in the dress she has on. She and Simon are going up to everyone and annoying people showing them their engagement ring. I love how Caitlin is acting like she’s always known these people. As far as I’m concerned she and Alexa have never talked once. Alexa tells everyone that the wedding is going to be in October. Of course Lucy just has to put her two cents in and tells Caitlin what a huge fucking mistake they’re doing and even mentions the fact that they’ve never boned before.
In the back yard Allison and Amy are smoking weed with Yick, Luke and the other burn outs. Amy I gotta say is looking smoking hot! Tessa meanwhile is just sitting there looking all bored and she starts to bitch out this guy who was always in the background in the series about getting fucked up on the weed. He tells her to lighten up and she tells him that he ruined everything. Going by this exchange, I guess she and Yick didn’t last long.
In some smokey looking recreational room Wheels and Snake are playing a game of pool and Joey finally finds them. Wheels shows him a picture of the wagon and tells him that he paid 200 dollars for it. For once I agree with Snake because he said he was robbed. Wheels asks Joey if he can tow his car cause it doesn’t even run. Snake uses that for the perfect opportunity to tell the dudes that he starts his new job as a lifeguard the next day. But he only wants the job so he can meet someone to have sex with. He tells the guys that he doesn’t want to go to college a virgin. Joey saying, “Sure you are.” Snake then says, “From a guy who will never get into Caitlin’s pants.” He’s right about that. She seems like the type that would only bang you if you read stuff like War and Peace or The Fall of the Roman Empire. Wheels tells them, “My two virgin buddies. Who will be the first to get laid? Let the games begin.” But who did he have sex with? I call bullshit. Joey all of a sudden says that it’s time and excuses himself.
Joey comes upon Caitlin and Fat Nancy. He rescue’s her from Fat Nancy bragging about doing God knows what. Joey take’s Caitlin into an empty bed room and he’s all, “Do you know what time it is?” Then acting like a girl he tells her how three years ago that day they went out on their first date. He then busts out the ring in this heart shaped box and tells her it’s a graduation present. She says thank you and gives him a kiss, but Joey isn’t done yet. He suddenly tells her that it’s kind of an engagement ring as well. Right away you can tell that she doesn’t want to marry Joey’s dumbass. He starts to ramble about her not going away to college and staying there in a shitty married life with him. Of course she tells him that she’s way too young and wants to explore the world. Then she says, “I’m just not ready for a commitment.” Joey get’s all heartbroken and tells her to keep the ring still cause it’s a graduation present and he tells her to give him a minute because he wants to gently weep into the pillow once she’s out of the room.
Snake meanwhile is wondering where “The little midget is at.” Wheels incorrectly thinking that he’s boning Caitlin. Joey finally comes out of the room all pissed off and he get’s ambushed by Simon and Alexa and their engagement ring. After Bronco tries to interview him again Joey shoves his camera out of the way and storms out of the house. As soon as she see’s him Tessa asks him if he’s going home and she then asks him if he can give her a lift. Both of them are all pissed off about their boyfriends/girlfriends.
As they pull up to Tessa’s house she asks him if he’s going to work at a drug store during the Summer and he says yes. She mentions that she’s working at a photomat next door to him. She thanks him for the ride home and all of a sudden they start making out. You can tell that Joey got a rock hard boner from that. Especially since he was staring at her hot little ass in that miniskirt as she went up her walk way.
Seems likes it’s finally the next day and Lucy is swimming in a pool full of garbage. Lucy comes up and she’s all, “I can’t believe he asked you to marry him.” Caitlin being stupid says, “I think I hurt his feelings.” You fucking devastated him you idiot. Anyways, Caitlin tells her all about maybe staying there to be with Joey. But right away Lucy get’s on her ass about going to some school named Carlton and that they’re going to be roommates. But once again, since when have Caitlin and Lucy been the best of friends? Where the fuck is Maya at? Long story short, Lucy convinces her to still go to college, but mostly for her own selfish reasons.
At the drug store Joey is pricing a box of condoms. A product that he probably will never get to use with Caitlin. Tessa meanwhile comes dressed looking fine as hell in her tight ass dress that she has on. You can tell she’s there to seduce him. She thanks him for the ride and then she goes ahead and totally asks him out. It’s hilarious. It’s like she’s the guy and Joey is the girl. She even tells him that she doesn’t want to force him to do anything. Joey it seems like he wants to tell her that he’s with Caitlin but then you see the wheels going on in his head and he says, “Sure why not?” Then he asks her for a movie date. Oh lord, as soon as she leaves Caitlin comes around looking hot in a German looking uniform for a restaurant. She tells him sorry for not wanting to marry him but that she’s very confused and wants to keep seeing him. She then tries to give the ring back, but Joey insists that she keeps it. She says ok and tells him that she’ll wear it on her right hand. They then make out and everything is back to normal. At least to her that is.
Oh my God! We cut to Snake in a locker room and he looks at himself in the mirror and says, “Look out ladies, here I come.” But there’s one problem here. He has sunscreen all over his nose and he’s wearing the stupidest lamest hat ever! Way to make yourself look like a dip shit Archie! He heads outside and of course there are a whole bunch of pieces of ass out there. But leave it to Snake to completely humiliate himself three seconds after coming outside. He tells the girls hey and then falls into the pool. Of course the girls laugh at his ass.
Wheels is asking Joey want he thinks of his station wagon. Joey doesn’t have the heart to tell him that he got ripped off big time, so he just says that it has character. Wheels tells him that it doesn’t look like much now, but he’s going to take it to Thunder Road once it’s fixed up. Nah, he just say’s that this car is his freedom and future. Oh we get some more back story. Seems like he’s going to Calgary to live with some chick named Karen. Whoever that is. Joey then tells Wheels all about his date with Tessa. Joey is all defensive about it, but Wheels doesn’t give a shit. He just says, “Your life man.” But what a bad omen, he ties a rope to the bumper and as soon as Joey pulls away the fucking thing comes apart.
Ok, this has to be the same restaurant that Liz’s mom was working at, because Caitlin definitely has the same uniform. Anyways, she’s a terrible waitress because she’s fucking up everyone’s orders. We then go to Joey’s date with Tessa and he can’t help annihilating the last slice of pizza. They then start laughing about what sounds is the most stupidest movie ever. She then tells him that she doesn’t have to be home for another hour and a half and asks Joey what he wants to do next. We immediately cut to Joey’s car and you can tell that he’s totally going to fuck her brain’s out. And holy shit. He’s undoing her top and just squeezing her tits while they’re making out.
We then see her rushing to her job and oh great! Spike is working there. Ok, what is up with her eyebrow’s and voice? She sounds like she’s a smoker now and she definitely needs to tweez that shit. She get’s off the phone and complains to Tessa about Emma having a tantrum at day care and says all annoyed, “Why couldn’t they handle it?” Uh I can tell you Spike, because you’re the fucking mother, that’s why! But Tessa just ignores her and starts to tell her all about going out with Joey and him going in head first into second base with her. Spike tells her to be careful because he and Caitlin have been on and off for years now. But Tessa is delusional and figures that he’s her’s now. Alexa and Simon then walk in and of course they’re talking about their engagement.
Wheels it appears still has his job at the gas station and Joey is telling him all about getting to third base with Tessa. He was sure that he was going to get to pork her but he says that he stopped himself cause he’s still with Caitlin. Back to Snake and his misadventure’s. These two little girls start following him around because they think he’s cute.
It seems like Joey and Caitlin are coming back from a date and she’s boring everyone with her plans for the future. Again Joey wants her to take at least a year off so that he can graduate and be with her and she tells him what the point was of her taking the extra classes for graduating early. Joey’s all, “Oh that’s right, I’m stupid.” They start to kiss and Joey is a fucking walking hard on in this movie. He starting to rub his hands inside of her thighs, slowing moving up for a good finger bang. But Caitlin is a fucking prude and stops him. You can tell that he has the worst blue balls ever with her. She then gives him the lame excuse of her not being ready for sex. They try to set up another date, but it seems like they’re hardly going to see each other that Summer because of their different work schedule’s.
It’s funny that for the first time ever we’re getting all these exterior shots of their respective houses. Joey walks in and his hot milf of a mom is having a cup of tea or whatever. She answers the phone and it’s Tessa calling him up. Joey get’s all excited and tells her that he’ll take the call in his room. She’s sitting in bed in the nude. No she isn’t, but once again she asks him out and Joey being horny totally wants to see her again. She invites him to her house and is even offering him dinner. This really lame song then comes on, with the lyrics, “Temptation!!”
Joey comes dressed like a fucking nerd and Tessa of course looks hot as hell again. Meanwhile Caitlin is busy once again fucking up people’s order’s at the German themed restaurant. Back to Joey and Tessa, She drops all of her spaghetti and burned the goddamn garlic bread. The fire alarm then goes off and Joey being a short little pipsqueak can’t even reach the thing so he has to use a broom to shut it off. After they have a little food fight they start to make out like crazy and this time she’s all in her bra on top of him and she says, “Wait.” Joey get’s all pissed off again, because he thinks that she’s going to stop everything, but she just simply asks him if he has a condom. So Joey is finally going to get to do the nasty and not with himself this time. He busts one out of his wallet and he undo’s her bra. All the while this song called Moonlight Desires is playing. So cheesy!!
Back to Snake’s subplot at the pool. This really hot chick asks him if he gives swimming lessons and he bullshit’s her by saying that he teaches swimming himself. This little kid comes along and she tells him that he’s going to teach him how to swim for the whole Summer. He instantly get’s this look of disappointment on his face. I love how he thinks that by being a life guard that he’s just going to be swimming in the pussy for the Summer. Boy is he wrong.
In the garage Snake is bitching to Wheels all about not being able to find a woman to put his penis in because they’re all either married or have boyfriends. He asks Wheels if he’ll ever have sex and Wheel’s says, “Sure when you’re older, 95 maybe.” Joey walks in and Snake says, “And here we go ladies and gentlemen, virgin number two!” But Joey tells them that he had sex. Snake can’t believe it and asks if it was he and Caitlin and Wheels figures out that it was Tessa. Wheels congratulate’s him and of course Snake just has to be a fucking hater and acts all judgmental with him. Joey reasons that Caitlin can take her sweet time if she wants to, in the meanwhile he’s going to be fucking his brains out with Tessa.
In the photomat Tessa is telling Spike all about having sex with Joey and hoping that he doesn’t think that she’s a big fucking slut. But Spike being Spike says, “Excuse me, if you’re easy, he’s easy.” Yup, pretty much what I’d expect from her. Tessa being stupid reasons that since they’ll both be going to high school together next year, she’s going back as his girlfriend.
We then get a montage with another shitty Canadian song playing in the back ground. Basically it’s all about Joey cheating on Caitlin with Tessa and vice versa. With a little of Joey banging Tessa every chance he can get. I don’t know how he isn’t getting caught because everyone knows everyone’s business there. Oh and we get some more bullshit of Snake striking out with women all over the place. Plus it seems like Wheels is starting to develop a drinking problem. We see Caitlin and Lucy hanging out in the pool and Caitlin randomly just asks her if she likes sex. Lucy asks her what that was all about and she tells her that she thinks that she’s ready to finally pork Joey. And got damn! She looks good in a bathing suit. Finally Lucy is teaching Caitlin how to put a condom on Joey’s dick using a banana for a stand in.
After all that Joey is telling Snake and Wheels what a great Summer he’s had with both Caitlin and Tessa. Snake meanwhile is all miserable because it’s now the middle of August and he still hasn’t banged a single woman yet. Joey of course can’t help rubbing it in that he fucked Tessa again the other night. After seeing that Snake is all pissed off Wheels offers him a beer. But Snake is being a dick tells him that it’s his third beer. I hate people like Snake that keeps tabs on everything. Wheels just tells him, “So? I replace what I drink.” After it seems like they’re going to get into a fight Joey changes the subject and tells Snake how he’s getting into Tessa’s pants at least once a week. Snake acting all high and mighty tells Joey that he should break up with one of them and Joey reasons since they don’t know about each other, no one’s going to get hurt. Finally after weeks of failure, Wheels turns on the engine for his turd of a car. He’s so excited that he wants to go driving around in it, but they convince him that once around the block is enough, especially since he’s been drinking.
Back in the photomat Tessa tells Spike that she’s feeling like complete shit and Spike tells her to go home. Just before she leaves, Alexa and Simon come back in. Alexa more bubbly then ever! As they’re coming back to the garage Joey is telling the dudes that he can’t believe what a great week he’s having. Especially the part about Caitlin taking him out for his birthday. But Snake is still being a fucking bitch and starts giving Joey shit about cheating on her. Wheels says that if he can get the car certified he wants to drive up to Bronco’s party, where ever that is. Snake for once not being a puss agrees to go along.
Uh oh. It seems like the inevitable has happened and Tessa has gone to a Women’s Health Clinic and she tells the receptionist that she wants to see someone because she thinks that she’s pregnant. We then see her telling someone that she doesn’t know how she got pregnant since they always used a condom when they screwed. But the lady tells her that they’re not perfect and that accident’s happen. She confirms that she’s pregnant with Joey’s grease ball child. But Tessa tells her that she wants to have an abortion. The lady tells her that she has an appointment but that she should still think it over and talk to someone about it.
And that’s where we’re going to end this one. It’s been pretty good so far. Who would have thought that they would have showed Joey feeling up Tessa’s tits like that. On TV no less. But it doesn’t end here. The next part is where the shit really hits the fan and the Degrassi Universe will never be the same again!
Degrassi Junior High Reviewed 