Degrassi Junior High Reviewed

Degrassi Junior High Reviewed is a blog about the sometimes cheesy, a lot of times badly acted, but beloved Canadian 80's tv series. Each episode will be reviewed in order by a guy who just loves Canadian melodrama. New reviews every week, on Mondays and Thursday's.


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Season 2, Episode 13, “Pass Tense”

Well, well. We’ve made it to the 2nd season finale. I gotta say, this season is a vast improvement on the 1st. Probably because it featured too much Arthur and Yick. Mostly Arthur, he was featured in one episode this season and it turned out to be the worst episode ever. But all in all, I enjoyed this season. Which is pretty sad if you ask me.

Pre-credit opener: We see Snake and Wheels cramming for the final exam. Meanwhile Joey is bugging and begging Stephanie if she can talk to Mr Lawrence about The Zit Remedy playing at the school dance. She say’s fine. Joey’s the only one excited, Wheels is too worried about flunking the 8th grade or as they say in Canada, grade 8. Joey says, “All you need is 51% to pass.” “Any bozo can do that.” Famous last words. Raditch comes in and says that it’s time to start the test. Joey being a fool is only thinking about playing at the dance. Saying, “We’re gonna be stars!” Ha. I saw what the writers of this show did with the title “Pass Tense”. Right away anyone with half a brain would realize that it’s about making the grade!

joey delusional

Back to the test, the bell rings and Wheels is sweating like Roger Ebert. Nervous as hell. Joey’s bugging Wheels about going to the arcade, Wheel’s tells him to fuck off and he’ll be there later. Meanwhile Spike’s mom drive’s her to school so she can take her final exams too. And holy shit, she’s huge and ready to pop. Let me point something out. Supposedly it’s the end of the year and it’s supposed to be Spring going into Summer but it looks cold as fuck and everyone is wearing jackets and scarfs. I guess Canada doesn’t do Summers.

spike huge

Stephanie and the twins come out of class and they’re excited for high school. Erica and Stephanie can’t wait for all the new dicks that are going to be in high school. They then get even more excited when they see Spike come in. She says that she has six weeks left in the pregnancy. Ms Avery interrupts the gabfest and it’s time for Spike to take her final exams too.

spike and girls

Meanwhile the grade 7’s are getting a bunch of old ass decorations out, including a huge disco ball. Caitlin and Susie start bitching about why they all have to decorate for the dance and not even getting to go. Apparently it’s a tradition. They then start talking about them being in grade 8 and running the school next Fall.

LD and Wheels seem to be the last one’s in class and even she beat Wheels to turning in her test. Raditch tells him that he can’t give him anymore time. Wheels hopes that he did ok. Then being a little brown noser he tells Raditch thank you. As he steps out, Fat Nancy is being a know it all and telling BLT and Michelle all the correct answers on the test. Both BLT and Wheels saying that they got their answers wrong. BLT says that he’s joining the Army.

fat nancy

We then cut to Joey playing pinball in an ancient thing people used to call an arcade. Let me see, back then, in 1988 I would have been playing ski ball. Because all the cool games didn’t really come out till about a year or two later. I was all about Street Fighter II. Anyways, Joey is delusional as hell. He truly believes that they’re going to become famous in high school after they play their one song. Wheels comes in feeling all down because Fat Nancy couldn’t keep her behemoth sized mouth shut about the answers and he’s convinced that he failed since he got them all wrong. Joey being an idiot says big deal, there’s still our concert. Wheels says that if he doesn’t pass he won’t be going to the graduation dance and doesn’t want to stay in grade 8 while everyone else goes on to high school. Joey for the millionth time says that they’re going to be rock stars and Wheels has to be there. What a dumb fuck I swear.

wheels snake joey

The next day The Zits reunite so that they can practice for the school dance. Joey’s excited to play in front of a live audience even though they suck major ass.

Caitlin and Susie come into Doris’s office asking for more money for the decorations. They over hear her saying, “Did you find somewhere ready to put the grade 9’s?” Susie and Caitlin are thinking what the fuck did you just say? Then ask her what’s up. And here comes one of the stupidest plot device ever. I guess the writers couldn’t think of a way to have them all together for another year so they came up with this bullshit. Doris happier than a pig in shit says, “Due to shifting populations, they’re adding a grade 9 to Degrassi.” Meaning that Degrassi’s going to be over flowed with even more kids, and the school is small as hell as it is. So I don’t know where they found room for them.

caitlin susie

Caitlin and Susie come in pissed off and they tell everyone in their class that they’re adding a grade 9. All they can think about is how they won’t be in charge like they thought they would be and start bitching about not wanting to decorate for the dance since they won’t be getting a graduation next year. I think it’s just an excuse to be lazy thanks to that trouble maker Caitlin. She always riles people up. Ms Avery says that she knew about the news and they all start bitching at her.

caitlin trouble maker

In Raditch’s class he’s going over the procedure about graduation. Saying that they’ll be going in reverse alphabetical order. Simon being close to being brain dead asks what it means. Raditch busts out a couple of hand puppets and slowly explains it to him. After about an hour he finally got it. Then he goes on to say that the list of the graduates is on the bulletin board outside. As the bell rings he tells Joey to stay behind. LD then asks Raditch about the rumor of being stuck there for the next year. He says, “Apparently.” They all start bitching, even Liz saying how unfair this news is. Raditch is all, “Look here motherfuckers, I have nothing to do with it.” “You have a problem, talk to the school board about it, now bounce!”

class pissed
raditch

Everyone is over joyed at seeing that they passed. Even Wheels. He does a dance of joy with this black chick who always sits at the back of the class. He tells Joey the obvious that he passed. Raditch shuts the door and has his talk with Joey. You can tell that he’s in deep shit because he tries to be all friendly with him and that’s never happened before. He tells him that his marks are the shittiest in Canada’s history. He technically passed but Raditch talked to his parents and they all feel instead of Joey going to a low academic high school he should shoot for a high academic one and then go to college afterwards. Are they high on some shit or what?! In what world is Joey even intelligent? Long story short he flunked due to being a fucking idiot and a fuck up. Joey of course is devastated.

wheels passed
joey flunked

So much so that he grabs his Greg Brady skate board and goes to the arcade instead of practicing with Snake and Wheels. Snake keeps worrying about Joey not making it and Wheels just tells him to relax while he’s slapping the bass like a bad ass.

The twins are then seen bitching about being stuck at Degrassi for another year. What a DeBummer I say. Stephanie says that she’s not staying there and is transferring to a real high school next year. Caitlin and her posse of grade 7’s tell them that they’re not going to decorate shit, since they’re not going to go anywhere next year. Steph tells them that it’s tradition, but them being assholes, they say they quit and give the twins and Steph boxes full of decorations. We then hear the twins whining about how unfair it is and how they had to do all that bullshit last year. It’s really annoying to hear them let me tell you. They do manage to yell at Scooter and Max. They get so scared, they run away.

caitlin disco ball
steph disco ball

Snake and Wheels finally get tired of waiting for Joey and decide to leave. They ask Fat Nancy and Michelle if they’ve seen Joey. Fat Nancy eagerly it seems like informs them that Joey flunked. She says that it’s obvious because he wasn’t on the graduation list and that he was the biggest idiot to ever attend Degrassi. Wheels is so concerned that he’s going to go look for him.

nancy

And big surprise, he’s at the arcade. Playing pinball and feeling sorry for himself. Wheels spots him and tries to talk to him. Saying, “I’m sorry you failed.” Joey says, “What do you expect?” “I’m a bozo.” Wheels seriously lies his ass off and says that Joey’s smart. It was such a major lie that his tight ass pants caught fire and Joey had to put him out with his little jean jacket. Moving on, Wheels says that they’re still friends and that they’re going to play at the dance. But Joey’s all, “Fuck that.” “I’m not playing in front of people that know I flunked.” Wheels tells Joey that he thought he wanted to be a star. Basically calls him a pussy for not wanting to play anymore. Joey tells him to fuck off and Wheels leaves all disgusted at him.

joey self pity

Finally, it’s the big graduation dance. We hear the same shitty 80’s Canadian music we heard in episode 2 of the first season. All the grade 7’s are there thanks to Caitlin and Susie. Doris is at the door handing out boutonniere’s for all the dudes as the come in. Arthur is dressed up like his idol Colonel Sanders and tells Wheels that he made the punch. Wheel’s is all, “Don’t talk to me dweeb.” They mention how Joey is a no show. And oh lord Raditch is the DJ once again.

arthur

The twins and Stephanie are still bitching about their lot in life and then here comes Spike Wearing her dance muumuu. They all get excited. We hear some girl talking to Wai Lee and asks him why he’s not dancing. Probably being someone with no style, he says that he doesn’t really like music. They get interrupted by Joey, wearing his nicest tuxedo shirt. I swear this guy always has to be a fucking cornball.

steph spike
joey cornball

The girls get all excited at seeing his arrival too. Raditch then puts on another lame song and does some of the whitest dancing seen on this show yet. All the dudes see him and slap him some five. Caitlin comes by and says hi. All of a sudden Joey has a hard on for her and says how good looking she is, thanks to them being in the same grade now.

caitlin joey

Joey then asks them if they’re ready to play, Snake of course always has to be a nervous wreck. Joey tells Stephanie that they’re going to play. She interrupts Raditch scratching some beats and tells him that Joey’s there and that they’re setting up to play. He says, “Good for him.”

dj raditch

Raditch tells Ms Avery to cut the music and he announces them with the best yucking radio voice you can imagine. He’s all, “Alright bitches, put your motherfucking hands together for The ZIT REMEDY!” The curtains part and Wheels starts his bass solo. Right before they get into their song, everyone is clapping their hands, way off beat. It’s hilarious. Maya rolls her machine to the front and starts shaking her head. Probably the only thing she can move at this point. Alexa says that she loves them. Joey then does a really lame Saturday Night Fever move. Everyone is going crazy for them, but then we hear that fat asshole Dwayne say, “Give it up Jeremiah.” I don’t know how he graduated and Joey didn’t. Dwayne is even more of a dumbass than Joey.

maya
saturday night joey
zits in concert

Kathleen says, “They’re ok I guess.” Towards the end of the song Spike makes an oh fuck face. Either she thinks that they’re that shitty or she’s in labor. Turns out that she’s gone into labor because her water just broke. Meaning that the baby is going to come along premature now. That’s what she get’s for not listening to her mother with the goddamn candy bars. She tells the twins, “Call my mom quick!” The last thing we hear is the crowd chanting, “Zits, Zits.”  This was perhaps the greatest night in Joey’s life. This performance put Joey and the Zit Remedy into the stratosphere with their fame. But only in Joey’s feeble little mind. And that’s the end of Season 2.

spike in labor

So yeah, cliffhanger. We have so much to look forward to next season. If I could only remember I would list all the issues that come up in season 3, but I can’t. Oh well. Stay tuned for the last season of Degrassi Junior High peeps. Because after that it’ll be known as Degrassi High. Things are much better then, trust me.


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Season 2, Episode 12, “He’s Back…”

Pre-credit opener: It seems like Lucy is having erotic dreams about Mr Colby. Flashing back to when he breathed all over her neck and massaged her shoulder. She wakes up yelling, “NO!” If only she would have told him that to begin with. She lays back down, crying over the fact that the guy touched her arm and shoulders and got away with it. And you know, I gotta say. We haven’t seen Lucy since the first incident, it’s about time she was put back into the show rather than just being in the background.

lucy crying

The next day at school LD is actually acting like a female. Asking Lucy if she wants to go shopping after school because she’s going to a cousin’s wedding on the weekend. I also just barely noticed that she stopped using those awful looking baseball caps. Lucy declines because she’s enjoying doing community work. Helping out taking care of rug rats. Including Susie’s little sister.

Lucy LD

Lucy comes into Doris’s office for whatever reason and she learns that Ms Avery is sick so they have to get a sub. Who’s it going to be? That’s right, none other than Mr Colby and he’s still wearing those god awful sweaters. He looks at Lucy with lust in his eyes and says, “Hello Lucy.” Lucy’s just staring at him, terrified and slowly backs out of the room. As she get’s out Caitlin and Susie are bugging her about pictures for the year book. Lucy on a short fuse says, “Fuck off!” “I’ll give them to you when I can.” They of course get pissed, talking shit after she goes away running down the stairs.

colby lucy
caitlin susie

Oh man, along comes Alex and he wants to talk to Caitlin and Susie about getting 100 dollars for the year book. His big idea? Shoe shine day. Apparently Alex thinks it’s 1940 and that kids actually get their shoes shined. They tell him that it’s a horrible idea and to stop being a schmuck. They want to tell him what they did last year but he wants to figure it out on his own. Meanwhile Scooter comes in all excited announcing they have a sub. Once again they all come up with ways to torment him. He comes in looking more creepy than ever and all the girls fall in lust with him. But I’m telling you, he’s an ugly fuck with ugly ass sweaters.

alex
Mr Colby

After school LD and Wheels spot him in his flasher’s trench coat again. Both can’t believe their fucking eyes. LD points out that Lucy’s dumbass never reported him. They both leave disgusted, but what can they do.

colby wheels ld

In the pre-school or whatever it is, the kids are painting really bad pictures. Susie comes by to come pick up her little sister Nora Jean. But she looks like she’s Lucy’s younger sister instead. She says bye to Lucy and gives her her shitty painting. Susie says, “At least someone hands in their pictures.” Lucy’s all, “Fuck off.”

susie lucy nora jean

The next day in Mr Colby’s class, he has them all in a heated debate about advertisements. They talk about how they use hot women to sell products. The dorky Israeli kid saying, “I’ll buy that for a dollar.” The Asian grandma retorting with, “Bitch you wish.” Everyone get’s a good laugh at the exchange. Melanie and the girl next to her are staring at him like they want to bang him. But the bell is rung and class is dismissed. The girls are left talking in the class room with Melanie saying how much of a piece of man meat he is. Caitlin says, “I think he’s kind of creepy.” Melanie get’s all offended by this. Susie stays behind and asks him for help with the year book. Big mistake there.

In the Degrassi Library LD and Lucy are helping Wheels out with his geometry it looks like. They see Mr Colby walk in and start saying what a sick fuck he is. But Lucy’s all, “Nothing happened.” They tell her that they saw what they saw. Interrupted by the librarian laughing at Mr Colby’s dirty joke of, “Want to hear a joke about my dick?” “Never mind, its too long.” Lucy being very annoying says that it’s her fault for leading him on. LD insists that she should report his nasty ass, but Lucy keeps making excuses.

wheels studying
colby teacher

Seems like it’s after school now and Caitlin can’t help Susie with the stupid year book because of her marks so she has to go home right away. Mr Colby’s sitting at his desk, staring at Susie and waiting to get her alone. The year book set up is hilarious because it just says, Year Book on a wall and the station is just a desk with pictures all over it. He suggests to Susie of making a collage so that everyone is included. He probably has one at home of all his victims.

colby staring

Just as Mr Colby is hovering over Susie, Lucy comes in and interrupts. She drops all of her pictures due to hearing Mr Colby giving her the moves as a voice over in her head. Thus begins the great Degrassi chase across the school. I swear Mr Colby chases her all over the place. It ends as he corners her in the gym. Darkened of course. Too bad The Zit Remedy can’t practice anymore. He approaches her slowly and goes into creep mode again with his voice. He says, “You were lonely and needed someone to talk to.” “All we did was talk.” And then he says that it was just all in her head. As he comes closer Lucy tells him that she’ll scream if he tries to touch her. He lays the shit she dropped on the ground and just leaves her there alone.

lucy colby

The next day Alex comes up to Susie with yet another stupid ass idea. Casino day. And he has enlarged playing cards to sell the point. Once again Susie tells him that it’s a horrible idea because it’s gambling and they’re a bunch of kids. She runs into Colby and says that he’ll be staying after school to help her. As Lucy is walking down the darkened stair way she over hears Melanie telling Kathleen that Ms Avery might be gone for a week. She instantly panics as she hears this and see’s him with Susie. Even doing the first move of putting his hand on her shoulder. Lucy tries to warn her about Mr Colby but Susie blows her off because let’s face it, Lucy’s being very vague about the whole thing.

alex casino day
susie lucy

In the Library Colby once again makes the librarian laugh with another dirty joke, “Real men don’t wear pink, they eat it.” Once again she laughs her ass off like it’s the most hilarious thing she’s ever heard. Meanwhile Lucy’s having another voice over flash back while staring at the two of them. LD sneaks up behind her and makes the mistake of putting her hand on her shoulder. Lucy’s all, “Don’t touch me!” LD’s like, “Calm your ass down.” Lucy runs off after the bell rings and LD points out how fucked up Lucy is about the whole getting molested thing. LD and Wheels insist that she report him but once again she makes excuses. She finally get’s pissed after they take no for an answer and shouts, “Just leave me alone!” LD saying after she leaves, “Well fuck you.”

ld lucy wheels

Caitlin again is abandoning Susie after school with the year book thing. Colby decides it’s time to make his move and here we’re about to get creeped out all over again. Ready? With history repeating itself, we get the shot of Louella mopping the joint and singing to herself. Showing that the school is slowly being emptied out. Colby shuts the door and get’s into seductive mode. Talking all softly. He sure seems to have a thing for the black girls I’ve noticed. He uses the old line of saying how mature Susie is. She get’s creeped out a little already. He puts both hands on her shoulders and says, “Don’t be so tense.” Susie says she has to go and he presses his hands harder on her shoulder trying to force her down. All the while saying, “Relax.” Susie can’t take it anymore and yells, “NO!” And get’s up and just narrowly escapes the sex dungeon he calls Ms Avery’s room. Colby looks around the room and seems to slowly realize that he’s pretty fucked here.

susie touched
susie escaping
colby fucked

Fittingly Lucy is reading to Nora Jean about wolves in a fairy tale book. Knowing full well that there’s one in their school in really terrible looking sweaters. Anyways Susie comes into the pre-school crying her eyes out, telling Nora Jean it’s time to go home. Lucy see’s and asks her what’s up. She asks her if she’s ok and confronts her about Mr Colby. Lucy keeps asking if he touched her and Susie replies with, “What do you care?!” Then Lucy drops the bomb that he also put his filthy mitts on her too, stopping Susie in her tracks. Susie crying says that she trusted and liked the perv. Both Lucy and Nora Jean give her a hug.

lucy susie

The next day Alex comes with his latest stupid idea for raising money. A walk a thon. Caitlin points out that everyone is going to be too busy studying for their exams. He finally gives in and asks what they did last year to raise more money. Caitlin tells him that they just asked Doris Bell for more money. Stunned he says, “That’s it?” What a dope.

caitlin alex

Outside Doris’s office Lucy, LD and Wheels are waiting for Susie to show up. Just as Susie is coming in looking down as hell, Melanie comes up to her and gabs that Mr Colby’s gone. He called in sick and they’re getting another sub. Melanie is heart broken, but Susie is elated. She figures she doesn’t have to report him now. Even telling Lucy, LD and Wheels that she’s sort of glad that she doesn’t have to deal with it it. Wheels and LD have a massive look of disappointment on their faces but Lucy says fuck that. That they still have to report him because he’ll just do it to someone else. Maybe even Nora Jean in the future. This finally convinces Susie. They go up to Doris and say they need to talk to Mr Lawrence. Doris saying that it’ll have to be very important. The episode ends with Susie saying, “It is.”

end credits

But you’ve got to me kidding me??!! We couldn’t see what happened to that sick bastard?! Come on Degrassi writers! Give me a little bone here, I wanted to see just a little bit of sweet revenge. But they didn’t give us shit. I guess we’re supposed to assume that Mr Colby got arrested, fired and is in prison now. Where in there, he’s the sweet cherry pie.


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Season 2, Episode 11, “Trust Me”

Pre-credit opener: The Zits are pooling their money together for a new Bass amp. Joey still has delusional dreams that the Zit Remedy is going to become famous through out the world. Snake comes in and tells the guys that his parents are going to a wedding. They’re like, “Who gives a motherfuck?” But Snake then informs them that they’ll be leaving him alone. Both Joey and Wheel’s say, “Party!” But Snake being a huge square says, “No way Jose.”

bass amp

After class is dismissed they’re still bothering Snake about having a party but he makes a lame excuse as to how his parents trust him and he doesn’t want to break that trust. Joey then comes up with the idea of having a dudes only sleep over consisting of himself and Wheels. Snake still says no. Here’s what I’m thinking, why the fuck did he tell them all this if he didn’t want to get hassled?! Geesh! They both start saying what a puss Snake is and off they go to practice, Joey still begging.

snake joey

Spike is letting the twins know what happened the night before with the PTA meeting. Turns out that a bunch of parents are pissed off at the fact that Spike is going to their school while with child. Caitlin’s dumb ass article probably made things worse, because now not only does the whole school knows, now so do most of the parents. And they’re ready to kick her ass out. Chasing her with pitch forks and torches. Spike then get’s called to the principle’s office. She’s going like she’s about to meet her maker. I just noticed the twins terrible outfits. I guess they’re going to referee a football game after school.

spike

Back at band practice Joey still brings up the fact that they want to stay over, but Snake keeps making excuses. But they finally convince him that nothing will get broken. He reluctantly says yes and they continue practicing Everybody Wants Something.

zits

At the Wheeler compound his mom starts giving Wheels shit for missing his eye appointments. He asks her if he can sleep at Snakes the next night. She’s all, yeah yeah. But then she says, “Be sure to make it to the eye doctors tomorrow, or your ass is grass.” “Cause they’ll charge us if you don’t.”

wheels mom

The next day Spike tells the twins that her days at Degrassi are numbered. The twins then try to comfort her but feeling sorry for herself she tells them to stay away from her, before they get kicked out too. Shane must be laughing his ass off at the fact that he got off scott free. In class the Zits are excited to start their little sleep over. Before everyone leaves Erica asks Mr Raditch if he thinks what happened to Spike is fair, putting him on the spot. But he thinks quickly on his feet and says that what he thinks is irrelevant. That the board made it’s decision and they have to live with it. Joey and Snake drag Wheels off, not letting him listen to the rest. Raditch informs them that Spike will finish up her year. She get’s all happy until he says, “At home.” She get’s a frown and leaves all pissed off with Liz. Raditch asks the twins if they would like to volunteer to take her her homework and they agree because they have nothing better to do.

spike pissed
class

Finally Snake’s parents are leaving for the wedding. In a taxi, that’s weird. Anyways Joey and Wheels come in with a shit load of snacks. Joey notices their car is still there, asking, “Know where they keep the keys?” And stupid Snake tells him they’re in the kitchen. They come back out and Joey brags that his dad let’s him drive around the church parking lot. Joey starts the car and tells them to hop in for a ride. Snake is like 2 seconds away from beating his ass because seriously, what a dumb fuck. He tells Joey to get his ass inside and Joey get’s all pissed off, but does what he’s told.

joey car

It’s now very late night and Snake is watching Lucio Fulci’s Zombie. A great horror movie. Joey being lame says that he’s bored by it and tunes it into what ever music channel they have up in Canada. Was MTV there during the 80’s? Anyways he says that they need to study music videos if they’re going to make one one day. Snake says that the Zit Remedy will never make a rock video. They start fighting for the remote and they wake up Wheels. He says that it’s almost 5 in the morning. Joey wants to order another pizza and asks Wheels if he has the amp money. Wheel’s all grumpy says that it’s at home. Joey goes to annihilate a bucket of ice cream, then goes outside to stare longingly at the car. What a stupid asshole.

zombie
joey car stare

Later on Snake wakes up in a pile of their own filth. He wakes Wheels up and tells him that it’s 11:45 and Wheels is about to miss his appointment because he has 15 minutes left. And holy shit, Wheel’s has on the tightest of under wear on. He needs some breathing room. But we have an ethical dilemma here. They have no money to call a taxi because they spent it all, if Wheels doesn’t make it, they’re going to charge his parents this time, so he’ll be in deep shit. On the other hand they have Snake’s parents car and Wheels not giving a shit agrees to the idea of taking the car so he can make it. Snake once again gives into peer pressure. Joey for no reason at all stands up in his tighty whities and says that he looks 16. He probably just wanted to show the dudes his bulge because Wheels did it about 30 seconds before.

joey wheels bulge
joey undies

Joey takes the reins and looks like a first time driver putting on the brakes and jerking them forward. After a few scares including Joey going through a stop sign, Wheels makes it to the eye doctor in the nick of time. Joey parking all crooked on the curb and almost hitting a woman and her baby stroller. Snake is pissed off but Joey being a dumb fuck says that they’re not taking the car home yet. He wants breakfast and that means fries. Since Snake is a giant pussy and doesn’t do jack shit about it, Joey has his way.

wheels eye doctor

Snake is anxiously waiting in some burger joint looking at the car all paranoid. They start talking about Spike getting the old heave ho. Then some shitty van backs up and hits the car and just takes off. The tail light is all fucked up. Snake goes off on Joey, but he has no one to blame but himself. You should never trust an idiot like Joey.

car fucked up

They then take the car to Monster Joe’s Truck and Tow and this old greaser of a mechanic tells them that he can fix it by the end of the day, but it’s going to cost 85 bucks. He notices how young Joey is, but Joey bullshit’s his way out of it. Joey says that they have the money from the amp money fund. They go to a phone booth and start calling Wheels. After an eon Wheels finally picks up and says he’ll be there with the money as soon as he can. After another long wait the mechanic says that it’s now fixed and he’s about to make the bill. Wheels comes running out of breath because it’s now a quarter to four. I don’t know why we’re told this because we have no idea when Snakes parents are coming.

monster joe

Finally they get to Snakes house in one piece. But they notice what a huge fucking mess they left in Snake’s living room. They scramble to clean it up but not 20 seconds into Snakes parents arrive. Joey and Wheels take their sleeping backs and abandon Snake to the mess. He’s all, “Hi mom, hi dad, welcome home.” Wheels saying how fucked Snake is now.

snakes house mess

Back at Wheels house, Wheel’s mom is talking to someone and says, “I’ll deal with them.” She asks them how Snake’s parents were and Joey once again bullshit’s his way out of it. Or so he thinks. She then says, “Whatever possessed you to take the car?” Meaning that fucking Snake threw them under the bus too. They know they’re in deep shit now. She mentions that Snake’s dad says thanks for fixing the tail light. Turns out he broke it last week. How can that dip shit Snake not have known this information?!

wheels joey busted

The following Monday Spike is cleaning out her locker. Including throwing out that sweet Billy Idol sketch she had in there. The Twins being nosy as hell want to know what’s going on. She says that Mr Lawrence couldn’t do shit for her. She asks if they’re still going to bring her her assignments still. She declares, “I’ll get my year.” “Just wait and see.” And leaves all sad. She’s more boned here than when Shane boned her in the 1st season.

spike boned

In the Zit Remedy’s rehearsal space in the gym, Wheels and Snake talk about how much trouble they all got into. Wheels says that his parents forbade him from seeing Joey and Snake anymore. Snake is grounded for the rest of the year and that they’ll never trust him again. Joey comes along and starts packing up his gear. Turns out Joey’s parents brought the smack down on him and are taking his Z-9000 keyboard away from him. That means no more Zit Remedy.

end credits

This episode was ok. It was a tad too predictable though. We all knew that they would get into deep shit thanks to Joey and his peer pressure. But like Ice Cube once said, peer pressure is a motherfucker.


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Season 2, Episode 10, “Censored”

Pre-credit Opener. We see Liz and Spike gabbing and it seems like Liz needs to get her hair trimmed because she starting to get a Q-Tip head thing going on there. Caitlin comes around and asks Spike how the baby is doing, Spike says fine. Spike then compliments Caitlin’s hair. It appears that it’s red, but then she says that it’s just spray. Her mom would kill her if she found out, kind of like the whole thing with Stephanie Kaye. That’s pretty lame. Spike suggests doing her hair like Liz and her but they both look demented, so fuck that. Caitlin then comes to Doris’s office and she over hears some parents talking about Spike and her pregnancy. Seems like Spike is a horrible influence on all the Degrassi women. Oh no. This sets crusader Caitlin in motion.

caitlin
spike liz

Ms Avery dismisses the class and Susie and Caitlin start talking about Spike because Caitlin can’t mind her own fucking business and has to get into everyone else’s. Fat Nancy interrupts, turns out she’s the editor of the cheaply produced Degrassi Digest. She just came around to remind Caitlin that an article is due that day and she doesn’t give a fuck what it’s about, as long as it’s 200 words. They overhear Melanie and Kathleen arguing about Spike and of course Kathleen agrees with the parents that Spike’s ass should be booted from the school. Kathleen needs a good boot to the face.

melanie kathleen

Jesus! Caitlin is overhearing everything. She goes into the girls wash room to rinse her hair out and she hears Spike talking to the twins about all the trouble that’s a brewing. Spike saying that she doesn’t want to leave because she just loves it there. They should kick out Shane, he’s the real bad seed. Anyways, Caitlin hears this and this set’s her agenda way into motion.

caitlin spike

We cut to the Zits and Joey’s going on about a bunch of ladies in bikini’s that he has up in his locker. LD and Alexa come along. They hear Joey saying that all the girls there are minus zeros. LD says in her best lisp, “You’re dthgusting!” “Rating girls is Sexth.” She also brings up that they’re making women into sex objects. The boys saying, “I love to be a sex object.” Alexa loves that so much that she laughs at their joke. Then she says, “They’re so big, they have to be fake.” LD get’s pissed, drags her away and calls them Chauvinists. Alexa points out that they’re only pictures but LD says that they need to battle sexism and is going to rat Joey out to Mr Lawrence.

alexa LD

We cut to he Degrassi Digest and surprise, surprise, Fat Nancy is eating again. Trish says that for the next issue she wants to do an article on the cutest boys in Degrassi. Fat Nancy saying, “Going to be a pretty short article.” She suggests making one on how she once ate her own weight at the Hungry Heifer. Her favorite eatery. Caitlin comes in and says that she wants to do her article on Spike. She starts going on and on about the subject and Nancy’s all, “Fine!” “Fuck, just make it 200 words.”

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caitlin pissed

Meanwhile LD and Alexa are waiting to talk to Mr Lawrence but Doris tells them that he’s running late and probably won’t get to see them that day, LD says, “We’ll wait!” But Doris wants none of this because she’s putting on some lipstick and wants Mr Lawrence all to herself. LD tells Doris that Joey has all these obscene pictures in his locker. Doris is like yeah yeah and pretty much blows them off. LD’s pissed now and Joey and the Zits rate them. Saying, ” 3? 3.5?” Alexa says, “Who me or LD?” LD get’s more pissed and once again drags her off and calls them pigs. LD says that it’s time to fight fire with fire. Uh oh.

LD alexa

Caitlin comes to her house in a fighting mood and gets into an argument with her mom over Spike. Her mom saying that what’s more important is what’s best for Spike. Caitlin arguing that everyone is just embarrassed about her. She storms off saying that she’s going to stand up for her. Oh and that she hates Liver.

Oh man, look at that old ass Macintosh. Her fingers are flying like she’s fucking Mavis Beacon. I noticed that she already has a typo in there. She better edit that shit. But this is purely an opinion piece. After writing a very short paragraph Caitlin’s smiling like, “Yeah motherfuckers! Take that!”

keep spike
caitlin satisfied

The next day LD and Alexa have a bunch of cut out pics and for some reason Alexa is smelling them. Guess she wants to know what dick smells like. LD starts putting them up and she says that they’re gross. She calls Joey over and starts going on about the gay dudes she has in her locker. Alexa wonders what rate Joey is and LD says that she can’t count that low. But Joey and the dudes don’t give a fuck, they go to his locker to look at the Sunshine Girls as they’re called. Alexa can’t hold out and opens LD’s locker again to gawk at the guys. But LD being a real buzz kill in this episode and drags her off for the third time.

alexa in lust

Caitlin comes in and hands her article in, saying how she worked on it for hours but it looks short as hell. Mr Raditch being the faculty adviser says that they can’t include her article because it’s biased as hell and it only represents her opinions. She of course get’s pissed off when told that the stupid newspaper isn’t meant for opinion pieces. She says, “What about Freedom of the Press and this is censorship!” She grabs her article and storms off. Raditch saying, “Lord, lord. What is wrong with her?”

raditch

Caitlin’s still going on and on about Spike to Susie. Susie tells her about a pirate nerd underground newspaper that some high school friends did once. She says that they got into deep shit for getting caught, but Caitlin says that she doesn’t give a shit and is going to publish her stupid article anyways. Saying, “Someone’s gotta stand up for Spike.” Not realizing that no one told her to take up the job herself.

Raditch is going on about a question that some old dead person once said but is interrupted by Doris. Raditch calls Joey up and to leave with Doris. She tells him that she wants him to open up his locker because she got a report about pornography being in his locker. She’s shocked at the bikini clad women in his locker. Big fucking deal, if he had the internet she would have a heart attack of all the fucked up shit that Joey would have ended up printing up and posting in there. Going on with the story, Joey throws LD under the bus by saying that she has dirty pics in her locker too.

joey doris

Mr Raditch is once again going on about the question, but is once again interrupted by Doris asking for LD now. Raditch says as she leaves, “Let’s skip the question.” LD opens up the locker and Doris get’s instantly turned on. So much so that she has to put her glasses on to get a better look at the studs LD hung up. I’m surprised she could see them with how she fogged up her glasses like that. LD get’s into deep shit as she too has to take them down and go to Mr Lawrence’s office. Doris probably keeping one for future use.

doris horny
man meat

Caitlin proudly comes up to Susie and shows her this one page article printed on a red piece of paper. Doesn’t she know that that’s going to be hell on the eyes of anyone who reads it?  The Degrassi Digest is selling for 15 cents, but Caitlin’s article is free and she’s giving it out to everyone she see’s. We then hear a voice over. Basically she saying how unfair it is that Spike is getting kicked out because she’s with child. Then she drags Shane into it too. I’d get pissed off for getting my name thrown in there. The whole school is reading this, Including Spike, Shane and Mr Raditch thanks to BLT giving him a copy. Raditch comes into Doris’s office and says that he needs to see Mr Lawrence right away. Pissing off Joey and LD because they’ve been waiting there forever.

Shane
BLT raditch

In Ms Avery’s class Mr Lawrence calls for Caitlin on the intercom. Some people going, Ohh. But everyone did that when someone was called up, no matter what. Doris tells her to sit her ass down. Caitlin tells them what she did and basically Joey and LD say what everyone else is thinking. Mainly what about privacy. LD and Joey then get pissed off because Lawrence calls her in before them.

Caitlin got a shit load of detention and a good paddling. Saying that next time she pulls another suck head stunt like this she’s going to get suspended. Spike meanwhile is reading the article and getting pissed. Class is dismissed and everyone is praising Caitlin. You can tell that she loves it. Acting like a big hero. Fat Nancy comes along and says that she loved the article too. But not to tell Mr Raditch that she said so. What a weanie. Meanwhile Kathleen is making an ugly angry face behind Nancy and it makes me want to punch her in the face because of it.

kathleen angry

Caitlin’s shit eating grin is then wiped off of her face when Spike confronts her and calls her out on her bullshit. Saying that she should have talked to her first and mainly she should have minded her own business because now the whole fucking school knows about her problems with the parents. Spike really lets her have it. She says, “I don’t need little Miss Perfect to make me her cause of the week.” No truer words were ever spoken. Caitlin looks like she wants to cry and says, “But it’s the truth.” Spike comes back with, “I’m a person, not public property.” Basically Caitlin made everything about ten times worse.

spike pissed

In detention Dwayne is tracing his hand like a big dumb dope. Yick is reading a comic book pretending to be doing homework. Dwayne hears Joey fucking with LD and makes an annoyed face. The Teacher tells Joey to knock his shit off. Caitlin meanwhile is looking all sad with tears in her eyes and looks out of the window thinking about the big fuck up that she did.

joey LD
caitlin sad

The next day Joey has his pics now in his Trapper Keeper and Wheels says that they’re “dynamite.” Joey decides to annoy LD once again and she calls him a child. Then he spots Alexa to go bother her.

Susie and Caitlin come around. She’s feeling sorry for herself and says that she feels like a perfect asshole. That she can’t do anything right. Fat Nancy comes along and says that she still wants Caitlin to do another article. Caitlin says that she’ll do it on Sexism. Fat Nancy says that she doesn’t care, as long as it’s 200 words. Or else she’ll literally eat her. Caitlin plans on getting both sides of the story. Interviewing both LD and Joey about the Sunshine Girls meanwhile in the background we hear Alexa telling Joey to fuck off.

fat nancy susie caitlin

Caitlin wonders what’s going to happen to Spike that very night because that’s when the big PTA meeting is supposed to happen. Spike psychically hears this and looks at Caitlin with hatred in her eyes. Probably because the damage that Caitlin has done is major and there’s nothing she can do about it now.

spike end credits

All in all, this was a pretty good episode. But it once again proved what a terrible person Caitlin is when she wants to help people. She some how always manages to fuck it all up. Let this be a life long lesson for all of you out there. When in doubt, just mind your own fucking business.


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Season 2, Episode 9, “Dog Days”

Ok, this episode is probably one of my least favorite ones. It deals with Stephanie’s annoying depression and no. I’m not knocking people who have depression. Many people suffer for many reasons, too many to list here. Hers on the other hand is really annoying. All this came about because she couldn’t nail Simon. Just another case of, I didn’t get what I wanted because I’m a spoiled princess. Another reason why this episode sucks, Arthur is also featured in it. And you know how I feel about Arthur.

Pre-credit opener: We come across a huge bridge. Stephanie is looking down from above. Once again she’s dressed like someone from Somber Town and she drops something to the little wash below. We then hear an alarm go off and it seems like she was just dreaming about it. We hear her mom on the phone with Arthur and she tells him that she wants him to come over for dinner that night. As I heard that I said to myself, “Oh fuck no, Arthur!” She then gives her shit for still being in bed. Her mom tells her to get her ass to school and Stephanie says, “I wish I was dead.” I couldn’t contain my eye roll.

stephanie depressed
steph dead

Arthur comes along with Stephanie as they get to the school and he asks her why his mom wants him to go for dinner. She tells him to fuck off. Arthur then reminds her about her pledge to not be such a fucking cunt anymore. But she says, “I changed my mind.” He then tells her to wait and opens up his gym back. Turns out he has this smelling mangy dog in side there. Dip shit had it all the way zipped up, so it was probably dying. Speaking of the dog, it smells like death and Arthur’s already named it, Phil. And geez. Arthur’s just 12?! Melanie is even older than him. He goes on to show Yick the stupid dog.

arthur phil

Steph goes into Mr Raditch’s class and spy’s Simon and Alexa being happy. She makes a face and sits down. The twins come along and ask her how a movie went with her mom. Apparently her mom is banging some guy named Jerry and she skipped the movie to be with him instead. She then goes on to say that her dad who she doesn’t get along with wants custody of her. Then I get really annoyed when she says, “My life is such a disaster.” “I might as well kill myself.” The twins tell her not to joke about something like that and she says, “Who’s joking?” Erica should have told her, “Bitch get over your junior high first world bullshit.” Raditch then begins class by saying that he has good news and bad news. The good being that it’s almost the end of their year and he won’t have to deal with their asses anymore. Everyone cheers about it. Everyone except Stephanie. She looks out the window all depressed. Like woe is me! Where was I? Oh yeah, the bad news being that they have to take their exams first.

steph annoying

We then cut to another shot of her looking at the bridge. She looks like complete shit. She needs to put more product in her hair so it’ll stay nice and poofy. Oh, I just realized she was day dreaming again.

In Ms Avery’s class Arthur’s stupid dog is whimpering inside of his gym back. Probably crying because it smells like sweaty balls in there. Arthur pretends to cough but Ms Avery isn’t an idiot. She opens the bag and says, “What the mother fuck?!” And then sends Arthur to the principle’s office. Mr Lawrence is then heard chewing Arthur out about the stupid dog. I guess the show couldn’t afford another actor because all we do is hear his voice. Kind of like Dr Claw from Inspector Gadget. Doris is then fucked when Mr Lawrence informs her that she has to take care of his smelly ass dog. She’s pissed.

arthur busted
doris

Raditch is then going on about TS Elliot. Meanwhile Stephanie is still looking out of the window. Day dreaming about flinging herself off of the bridge. Raditch dismisses the class but tells Steph to stay behind. He talks about her attitude and how she’s lost interest. He then asks if there’s something wrong at home and she get’s all pissed off. I’m getting annoyed just writing about it because of her shitty self pity attitude.

steph class

The twins then ask Steph if she wants to come with them because they’ve met these two guys and they want to take turns banging them. But her super skank powers are at an all time low and she says, “What’s the point?” “My relationships never work.” The twins then point out how shitty she’s been dressing and wonder if she wants to kill herself. Erica correctly says that Stephanie is a big drama queen and just wants attention. She pretty much nailed it there.

twins steph

I love how Arthur’s stupid dog has a piece of string for a leash. Arthur then tells Yick all about the magic of having divorced parents. They talk about some other stuff, but this whole scene bored me.

At the Kaye residence Stephanie tells her mom that she has some beautiful flowers and her mom tells her that they’re from Jerry. Steph instantly get’s pissed off and makes a snide remark. Arthur comes in with Phil and her mom takes one whiff and tells Arthur to take that mutt outside in the cold.

It’s finally dinner time and Stephanie is just picking at her food, looking all down. Her mom makes a remark about their dad and Arthur defends him. Saying that he’s doing a lot more to help himself. Shit, it sounds like Arthur’s mom did everything for the guy. Phil meanwhile is dying outside due to exposure. Steph and her mom then get into an argument about her eating more but thank God Arthur changes the subject and asks his mom why she wanted him there. She informs them that she and Jerry are going to get married. Basically her mom says that Arthur’s dad is good for nothing and Arthur deserves to live in a nice home with her telling him what to do. Kind of like Norman Bates.

dinner time

The next day her mom is telling Stephanie to get her ass to school and reminds her that Jerry is coming over to meet Arthur for dinner. After her mom leaves Steph just lays back down. Probably thinking of that goddamn bridge again.

Arthur’s telling Yick all the latest news about him and his family. Yick points out that Jerry is going to become his step dad. Arthur mentions that he’s nervous to meet him. Probably because he knows he’s a lame fucking square. During this bullshit, we hear fucking Phil yapping in his bag again. Arthur for some stupid reason thinking that it wasn’t cool to leave him at his mom’s. What an idiot.

yick arthur

In class Mr Raditch is very dreamly reciting some poetry. Since this episode has pretty much been boring, he’s putting me to sleep. Probably the people reading this too. The twins gossip about Steph and the camera basically just hangs on her empty chair. While this is going on. Stephanie is wondering around the mean streets of Degrassi. Once again dressed like an extra from a Tim Burton movie. I don’t know what’s this fascination with this bridge. We all know she isn’t going to do shit. So just stop it already director!

empty chair
steph bridge

Turns out Arthur put Phil down in the boiler room and he’s gone. Some hobo probably had him for some Phil stew. But no, Louella comes in with Phil and she sends the both of them to see Mr Lawrence. Then she adds, “Get that dog off the school.” Mr Lawrence telling him the same. Stupid Arthur got a week’s detention and get’s sent home. Yick says, “Big fucking deal yo.” “I get detention all the time.” Proving that he’s still a fuck up.

yick and arthur

HAHA! This next scene is so annoying that it literally made me laugh. Steph is on some swings, trying her hardest to look super depressed. But really. What does she have to be depressed about? So she didn’t get Simon. Who gives a shit? I can see why people hate on her whenever they watch this episode. Because I’m watching it right now and it’s driving me crazy. Arthur comes along and makes it worse. Arthur asks why she wasn’t in school and that she’ll get in trouble with her mom. She replies with, “She doesn’t care.” “I could kill myself and she wouldn’t care.” Arthur’s like, “Bitch stop being so over dramatic.” Arthur then asks Steph if he’ll like Jerry and if he has to call him dad. She tells him to fuck off and that she has her own problems. I rolled my eyes so hard that they got stuck and I now need surgery. Fucking Stephanie Kaye and her stupid bullshit depression!

stephanie swings

At their house mama Kaye is acting like a school girl. Laughing at Jerry’s lame jokes. She asks why Arthur is there early and he makes up a bullshit excuse that school let out early. Jerry tries to bond with Arthur by suggesting to hose off Phil’s smelly ass. Stephanie comes in being the bundle of joy that she is. Her mom asking her to help out with dinner.

arthur jerry

Jerry and Arthur come back in. Jerry starts going on about some dog that he had as a kid named Ruff. How original. Stephanie then acts like a shithead and says, “Who cares?” Her mom has just about had enough of her shit. Me too by the way. She’s all, “Fine I’ll kill myself.” Once again hilarious because her mom blows her off and basically says, “You’re not going to do shit, so shut it.” Arthur tries to chime in but Steph tells him to butt out. Pissing him off finally. He says that she’s not the only one being affected by their horny lonely mom marrying this douche bag. Their mom apologizes for their shitty behavior. They start arguing again and Arthur takes off with Phil. Jerry offers to go, but Steph says, “He’s my brother, I’ll find him!”

steph jerry
arthur run away

Steph then yelling for Arthur like she has no strength in voice finds him on the same swings talking to Phil. Arthur tells her to fuck off this time and she finally apologizes for being such a self absorbed bitch. Steph seems to finally perk up and offers to take care of Phil for him. She says that they’ll talk to their mom together since they’re supposed to be related. They both smile while playing on the swings. Wow, so this depression seemed like it was wrapped up in the last three minutes of the show. Unbelievable.

steph arthur
end credits

Over all, this episode sucked a bunch of donkey dicks. And it’s a real shame because Stephanie is usually an awesome and interesting character. But Arthur and his juvenile bullshit with the stupid dog just ruined everything. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. If you see an episode with Arthur featured in it, you’re going to have a bad time. This is definitely the low light of this season thus far.


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Season 2, Episode 8, “Sealed With A Kiss”

The twins are finally being focused on in this episode. Let’s see what makes them tick.

Pre-credit opener: Apparently there’s going to be a big dance and Erica is all excited about all the man meat that’s going to be at the school. Heather saying that she’s a sex maniac and Erica calls her a prude. Which she is. Erica hands Doris some slips for the dance, but before she can leave Doris starts giving her shit for not handing in a late slip. But Erica says it wasn’t her, it was Heather. Doris doesn’t believe her and says that they can’t pull the old switcheroo on her. Erica says while making an angry badger face, “I’m Erica not Heather.” “I’m Really sick of people mixing us up.” Meanwhile between those two lines they totally switched the twins on us!! I have eyes like a motherfucking hawk so I noticed this. Because Erica has shorter hair and Heather has her hair longer. Another way to tell them apart, Heather is the ugly one with bad teeth.

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Class is then dismissed and Wheels is kind of nervous to see how his marks are going to turn out after weeks of tutoring from Ms Avery. Joey’s only concern being if Wheels can finally come back to the band. Alexa meanwhile is excited about the dance so she can dance with different boys from another school. Guess she really doesn’t give a fuck about Simon. The twins having no lives of their own start discussing whether Simon and Alexa have French kissed. Heather saying how gross it is. Erica says she would go as for as to even suck a dick.

twins

The twins continue their bickering and go into the girls rest room and Stephanie is in there. Dressed normal and looking like complete shit. They ask her if she’s going to the dance and she says, “No.” As she’s leaving they point out that her shirt is sticking out in the back, but she doesn’t give a shit and leaves. They notice that she’s been acting weird lately. But then go back to talking about their own bullshit because they’re that self absorbed.

steph

Meanwhile Joey and Snake are gawking at Wheels and Ms Avery talking over his grades. Joey looking like an ass rocking out with the air guitar and singing his song metal style. Wheels finally comes out and after about 2 seconds of suspense tells them that he doesn’t need tutoring anymore and he’s back in the band. They’re all excited except for Snake.

joey rocking out

Back at the twins house we see them getting ready for the big dance. Erica pulls out a dress and says it’s her favorite. Heather comes in wearing the same shit and Erica get’s pissed and chooses something else. Heather asks what bug’s crawled up her ass and that it’s fun to dress up the same. Erica wants no part of it and holds up this terrible looking Pugsley outfit. Then she points out how immature Heather is. Heather says that she’s been acting like a bitch lately and that they’re supposed to be best friends.

erica ugly outfit

Wow, the big dance scene is already upon us. They usually drag this shit out. But Shane is standing in the door way, looking like a bouncer until Heather pokes him in the gut. Joey’s wearing his best tuxedo shirt and going on how the Zits are going to play the dance one of these days. Meanwhile all the boys are jealous because the dudes from the other school are bagging all the fine Degrassi women. Even Simon’s pissed because Alexa’s dancing with another guy. Snake says, “Why don’t we ask the Saint Mary’s girls to dance?” Joey being an idiot says, “Are you kidding?” “We don’t even know them.”

joey and snake

Erica passes by with a guy with a leather jacket. She’s going on about her problems with Heather. But you can tell this guy doesn’t give a shit. He finally shuts her up by macking with her. He totally slips Erica the tongue and she loves it.

erica making out

Meanwhile Heather being annoying is looking for her and drags Alexa along. Alexa wondering why Simon is jealous for. Heather asks The Zits if they’ve seen Erica and Joey tells her that she went that way. Alexa cheery as ever asking, “Isn’t this a fabulous dance?” The Zits say their classic line, “Dynamite.” They finally find them making out. Alexa is like, “WOW!” and is enjoying being a peep freak watching them go at it. Heather get’s all disgusted and drags her off while she’s still making bug eyes.

alexa heather
alexa

Back at home in bed Erica is going on and on about her first kiss. Saying that she finally feels like a woman. She tells Heather that he kissed her, opened mouth with tongue and Heather starts going on how gross that is. Erica says, “When you’re older, you’ll understand.” Heather replies with, “Bitch you’re only 6 minutes older than me.” They start arguing loud as hell and their dad tells them to shut the fuck up and go to sleep. Heather calls her a hoe and goes to bed.

twins argueing

The next day Stephanie looks like she’s a refugee from Somber Town. Dressed all in gray with a glum look. The Zits come along with their band sweaters on and Joey starts going on about an idiotic dream he had the night before. Joey asks them if they wanna practice after school, they’re all into it except for Snake.

Simon and Alexa are then seen arguing over the stupid dance. Alexa tells him to sit and spin and leaves with the twins. Saying how she loves that he’s jealous. Erica says that she’s sick with a sore throat and is wearing a silk scarf. Heather rolls her eyes and says, “She thinks it’ll help.” Erica comes back with, “Everyone knows they’re good for sore throats.” But this is the first I’m hearing of such nonsense. I don’t know where she got such a stupid idea from. She then starts talking Alexa’s ear off about the guy.

scarf

Raditch is assigning people various things for a health assignment. Erica is going to work with Alexa and Heather with Stephanie. Because they both hate each other at the moment. Raditch then asks them what subject they want and Alexa says, “We’ll take the kissing disease.” “I love diseases.” Of course everyone laughs because she’s such a big lovable dope. Class is dismissed and the twins are throwing the evil eye to each other.

alexa mono

In the library Heather is going off on Erica telling Stephanie all about her problems with her. Stephanie with a short fuse says, “Listen Heather I don’t care.” “Can we just get this dumb assignment over with?” Heather says sorry and it seems like Stephanie is almost going to open up to her about what’s wrong with her, but then says, “Nevermind.”

stephanie kaye

Alexa is then going over all the symptoms for Mono. As she names each one Erica is slowly realizing that she has every single symptom. Proving that even back then you didn’t need Google to look something up and self diagnose yourself and scare yourself to death.

erica mono

As the bell rings we hear the principle Mr Lawrence making an announcement, asking if anyone has seen Alex’s glasses. If you notice, almost all of the announcements have to do with Alex and something he’s lost. Erica all of a sudden is pissed off at the guy she made out with saying, “How could he do that to me?” Alexa then replies with, “At least he didn’t give you Aids.”

We then cut to the Zits practicing their smash hit Everybody Wants Something. Joey wants to do the number again and Snake says that he has to go. Joey get’s pissed so he and Wheels decide to go get fries.

The dude that Erica made out with comes up to their little apartment or house and it seems like this guy can’t even drive. Anyways Heather answers the door and of course he can’t tell them apart. Heather corrects him and she goes to fetch Erica. Erica’s feeling sorry for herself and says that she can’t see him. Heather starts acting like a little kid taunting her and Erica tells her to fuck off and to grow up. Erica does have a point after all. She tells Heather, “Be a good little girl and go give him my message ok.”

douche
erica bitch

Heather comes back down and the douche says, “Erica.” Heather’s all, “I’m Heather dumb ass.” And tells her how Erica can’t see her due to being sick. He then offers her a ride, saying, “You’re sort of the same right?” Heather says no and the guy says, “Erica said that you were a boring prude.” Or something along those lines. Heather get’s pissed and agrees to go off with him. Erica see them from the window and can’t believe her fucking eyes.

erica gawking

The dude takes Heather to inspiration point. No not really, just a deserted parking lot. They talk about her stupid problems with Erica and the guy obviously just wants to make out again. Heather makes this ugly confused face and the guy kisses her. She seems to be enjoying it, but then he slips the tongue yet again. She makes these bug eyes and pushes him off.

heather kissed

Joey and Wheels are enjoying their fries and Snake walks in and lets them know that he’s been taking classic guitar lessons due to his mom insisting that he take them. He didn’t want to at first, but now he’s enjoying it. All Joey can think of is himself and what’s going to happen with the band.

the zits

Heather get’s dropped off and he suggests that they have a threesome one day. Heather declaring him to be a creep. Here comes the heart to heart scene. Erica accuses Heather of trying to steal her Boyfriend. Heather nails her with, “If he’s your boyfriend then how come he asked me out?” Face! Erica makes another snarky remark and Heather informs her that they kissed too. Erica’s like, “Fuck! You have mono now too.” Come to think of it, not so much of a heart to heart scene. Both were still acting like shit heads to each other.

The next day they go to a health clinic to get tested. The Dr comes out and asks if they want to be seen together or separate. They say, “Together!” And off they go to get tested. I just noticed that they both now have a silk scarf on. What a couple of idiots. Especially because Heather doesn’t have a single symptom like Erica does.

heather erica

At home it turns out that Erica has Tonsillitis. Erica apologizes for being such a fucking cooch all episode long, but says that she loves Heather and is glad that they’re sisters. Heather says, “Well look at it this way, at least you’ll get what you wanted.” “You’re getting your Tonsils out, so now we’ll really be different.” Heather asks her if she really liked kissing that asshole and she says yes. Then adds that that’s another difference between them right there too. So this was the heart to heart scene. I knew there was going to be one. Anyways, it bored me.

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After their stand alone episode I don’t think I’m wrong for always referring to them as the annoying twins, because they really are. Even Steph got tired of their stupid bullshit. But here’s the non secret of how you can tell them apart. Erica is the prettier slutty twin and Heather is the ugly prude.


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Season 2, Episode 7, “Bottled Up”

Pre-credit opener: Kathleen comes in all excited saying that she made the team. Which team? Who knows. She finds her mom on the couch, drunk as shit. And no wonder, because the place is a complete fucking mess. The phone then rings and it’s her dad. She mentions that she made the team for Quest for the Best. She get’s sad at the fact that her dad won’t be able to make it. Man, now that I think if it, no wonder that she’s such a bitch. Just look at her home life.

kathleen drunk mom

In Ms Avery’s class she get’s interrupted by Mr Lawrence on the intercom, he’s announcing the Quest for the Best team. Seems like Kathleen, Caitlin, Tracy Morgan and Fat Nancy made the team. Everyone’s cheering them on. But really who cares. Another announcement comes on and says that tickets will be available the next day. Who knew they would be such a hot commodity.

tracy fat nancy

Fat Nancy comes along and gives everyone copies of questions they can practice with. They then start talking about how proud their parents are going to be. Kathleen starts bragging about how her mom is going to get her a brand new outfit for the occasion. Caitlin like the rest of us gets annoyed and says, “No one’s going to see it under your school sweater.” Kathleen being a smug bitch replies with, “Sure they will.” Fat Nancy then mentions how they’re going to practice the next day, Kathleen saying, “I don’t need any practice.” After she leaves Caitlin copies her and calls her a jerk. I love how everyone agrees because they all hate her.

caitlin fat nancy

Oh man, we go outside and see Scooter talking to another geek named Max. Who we will never hear from again. Both of them have the smallest shorts known to mankind. And like the couple of dweebs that they are, they’re talking about their many Dungeons and Dragons woes. Arthur and Yick hear this and Arthur says, “Dungeons and Dragons?” “That’s for nerds.” Yick points out that it’s even worse than having a wagon around and holy shit. That’s exactly what Scooter had tied up on the bike racks. Scooter points out that it’s bad when other nerds call them nerds. Max comes up with the idea that they should become like Rick. Scooter saying, “He’s as cool as a Popsicle.”

arthur
scooter max

The next day the team is practicing for the game show. Nancy getting nothing but food questions. The question of alcohol comes up and Kathleen says, “Drinking is stupid.” She sounds like a fucking prude but if they only knew. Ms Avery then comes around with an ancient VHS tape so that they can check out the competition. Tracy Morgan says that the school VCR is broken and no one can go to Caitlin’s because they have company over. Caitlin then points out how Kathleen bragged about having a VCR when they first got it. She doesn’t want to go, but she has no choice but to bring the gang over to her terrible household.

quest team'

Max and Scooter end up scoring tickets to the stupid game show and as they’re leaving they run into Rick and knock his shit down. They pick it up and notice that he has a weird looking box of cigarettes. Max comes up with the idea of picking up smoking since Rick is cool and does it. After school they head on over to a pizzeria and try to get cigarettes out of a machine but the fucking thing cheats them of their money. The pizza dude then yells at them and off they go running like a couple of little kids that they are.

max

Kathleen and her crew then come to her filthy house and Tracy points out that the place is a pig sty. Fat Nancy saying, “I guess the maid has the year off.” Kathleen get’s pissed and says that she told them that her mom is sick. So they start watching the episode and the music is so corny. Seems like a public access tv show that no one watches. Kathleen’s mom then comes stumbling down the stairs with a bottle of tequila and proceeds to humiliate her. She says, “If they’re so smart, why don’t they say anything?” The team leaves the house, completely put off by her drunken boorish behavior. Kathleen then runs up stairs crying her eyes out while her mom lays down on the couch and sort of enjoys the rest of the program.

quest team 2
kathleens mom

The next day at school Rick comes along looking like Danny Zuko from Grease with his Degrassi Junior High letterman sweater. Everyone starts making fun of him and I swear BLT slaps his ass. Anyways, he comes up to Caitlin and asks her if she wants to go get a burger after the big show. She says sure, but is all preoccupied. Crusader Caitlin then comes out. One of her more annoying traits. She mentions how Kathleen’s mom is a lousy drunk and maybe Kathleen needs someone to talk to. Rick rightly says, “If she wants to talk, she’ll talk.” “I say butt out.” But does she listen? Of course not.

Rick
caitlin rick

Scooter then comes along with his fucking wagon and Max shows him some cigarettes that he stole from his dad. He tells Scooter, “Be there, or be a nerd.” Scooter is beside himself, he has no idea what to do.

The Asian grandma is seen asking Kathleen some more practice questions and Caitlin comes along and interrupts. Showing that she doesn’t want to give Kathleen any privacy, she attempts to talk to her about her mom’s drunkenness. Rick meanwhile passes by looking at Caitlin like, “I fucking told you to stay out of it.” But Kathleen will have none of it. Saying that her mom is perfectly fine. Caitlin get’s all butt hurt and tells Kathleen that she was only trying to help and now she doesn’t care. I gotta say, Caitlin is terrible at trying to help people or have a cause.

asian grandma
caitlin rick 2

Max and Scooter then decide to blaze up a cigarette in the boys rest room stall. They start coughing like crazy of course, Wai Lee and some other kid notice the fucking vapor of smoke right above them.

wai lee

The team is now set to head on over to the public access studio for the game show. But stupid Kathleen forgot her sweater at home. She comes up with the idea that she’ll call her drunken mother to bring it to her. The rest of the team knows what’s up and think that Kathleen is fucked here.

Rick and Alex then come along and ask Doris for some tickets but Doris informs them that they’re all gone. Rick getting pissed off about it. But why is Rick even interested in this bullshit for? Oh that’s right, because he likes Caitlin. Rick’s still bitching about not being able to finger Caitlin later on but Max and Scooter come to the rescue. Those two dip shits made themselves sick so they give Rick and Alex their tickets. Another question. Why is Rick hanging out with Alex for?

tickets

The team finally arrives at the studio and this smelly, hairy looking Israeli guy tells them to take their spots since the start of the show is imminent. They all point out their parents, but of course Kathleen’s mom couldn’t make it due to her being drunk off her ass again. So Kathleen is pretty boned here. Or is she? After having a mini melt down, Rick comes up and gives her his school sweater. The Israeli dude telling him to sit his ass down, Rick says, “Yeah, yeah.”

israeli guy

The show finally starts and quiz master Skip Wankman comes out. The song You’re the Best Around from The Karate Kid would have been perfect in this scene. But no. I doubt the Degrassi production could even afford that song. Kathleen fucks up the first question because she’s so distracted of the fact that her mom is a no show. After the other team misses their question Kathleen becomes a quiz fucking master. The crowd of a dozen people cheer their asses off. I just noticed that Melanie was there too. Guess she had nothing better to do.

kathleen fucking up
crowd

Afterwards we learn that Degrassi Junior High kicked ass and took names as well. Rick then grabs Caitlin’s hand and asks if she’s ready to eat some burgers and have some classic heavy petting afterwards. But Caitlin turns him down, because it’s a school night. How lame of her. Rick then offers to walk Kathleen home because she obviously has no ride. I love how no one offered because they all hate her. Even Ms Avery, probably because Kathleen was telling everyone that she’s a carpet muncher.

kathleen hero

We then come to the heart to heart moment of the episode. Rick brings up her drunk mother and Kathleen get’s instantly defensive. Rick then blurts out, “Nobody’s parents are perfect you know.” Then says that it’s ok to take care of her mom, but that Kathleen has to take care of herself too because her mom is a grown ass woman. Rick then mentions how he had problems with his dad and called a teen hot line and got help. I think he talked to Nitro, but it was really Zack Morris.
kathleen rick

Kathleen get’s home and her mom is drunk of course. Kathleen tells her that they won and her mom bullshitting says that she’ll be there next time. This pushes Kathleen off the cliff and she goes off on her mom. She points out how she’s just a kid and shouldn’t be taking care of her drunk ass. Her mom slurs that she has her drinking perfectly under control and that she’s her mother and that she shouldn’t be talking to her like that. Kathleen replies with, “You’re not my mother.” “You’re a drunk.” Then her mom slaps the shit out of her. Kathleen shocked, runs up stairs while her mom says that she’s sorry. And then to really jam it down our throats they show a bottle of whatever her mom got fucked up with as she slithers on the stairs and promptly falls asleep.

bitch slap
bottle

The next day Kathleen is the bee knees because she’s the hero of the game show. Caitlin can’t help being nosy as hell. She asks her how her mom is doing. Kathleen get’s instantly annoyed and says fine! Rick comes and says hi. Caitlin apologizes for being lame the night before. Kathleen gives Rick his sweater back and thanks him for walking her home. Caitlin get’s instantly jealous. Kathleen then mentions how she’s going to take Rick’s advice and call that hotline. And that’s how the episode ends with Caitlin gawking behind Kathleen all jealous.

freeze frame

I guess this episode pointed out how smoking and drinking is bad and so is Caitlin when it comes to actually trying to help people. She’ll prove this again and again. Just you watch.