Degrassi Junior High Reviewed

Degrassi Junior High Reviewed is a blog about the sometimes cheesy, a lot of times badly acted, but beloved Canadian 80's tv series. Each episode will be reviewed in order by a guy who just loves Canadian melodrama. New reviews every week, on Mondays and Thursday's.


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School’s Out Part 2

Previously on School’s Out. The Degrassi kids have finally graduated, except for Joey and the rest of the underclassmen. He completely ambushes Caitlin by giving her an engagement ring but of course she turns him down because he’s a huge loser who’s still in high school. So Joey let’s his newly discovered sex drive get the better of him and decides to go and pork Tessa on the side, but uh oh. She get’s pregnant! Snake and Wheels meanwhile are having their own misadventure’s. Wheels with his piece of shit Family Truckster and Snake not being able to find any female willing to have sex with him.

And now, we continue with the shocking conclusion to School’s Out! The next day after her appointment Tessa’s at the pharmacy bitching out Joey because she can’t go to Bronco’s party with him. He tells her that it’s because it’s for graduate’s. But the real reason is because he would get caught red handed. After he tells her no again, she asks him if he still likes her and he lies and tells her of course he does. She’s starting to get all clingy and asks him if she can see him the next night, but he tells her that he can’t because he’s going out to dinner with his parents for his birthday. She get’s all pissed off at him and gives him his birthday present. A lousy t shirt that says, “Naughty and Nice.” He could give two fucks about it and just puts it on a grocery cart.

tessa angry stupid t shirt

The next morning his hot mom wakes him up and tells him to get his ass up for work. I love how he has the nerve to be wearing the stupid shirt that Tessa got for him. Shit, Joey is 19 years old now and she continues with telling him how proud they are of him and that he doesn’t have to worry about his car payments anymore. She tells him Happy Birthday and that they’ll take care of his payments for now on. See? I told you he was spoiled as hell.

joey's hot mom

In Caitlin’s room, she’s getting ready for their date and she looks smoking hot. Especially with that choker she’s wearing. It seems like her mom is going to Montreal for the weekend or something. I could be wrong, but it seems like the dad has been given the old heave ho now. After her mom leaves Caitlin busts out a condom and puts it into her purse. So wow, she’s giving him her body for his birthday. Lucky fuck.

caitlin hot

At some restaurant Joey is trying to act like he know’s his wine. But of course he has no idea what he’s doing. She mentions how she’s going to Bronco’s cottage the next day with Lucy and asks him if he wants to come along, but he says that he’s going up with Wheels and Snake. Ok am I the only one bothered by Caitlin and Lucy all of a sudden being best friends? Anyways, Caitlin shows how horny she is for him now and tells him about her mom going away for the weekend. She tells him, “You know how I hate to sleep all by myself in a big house.” She completely emphasizes the word Sleep, but Joey is so fucking stupid he doesn’t catch on to the hint. So she plays footsies with him and literally tells him how she’s all alone and puts a condom into his hand. You can tell he got instantly rock hard there.

caitlin joey condom

Uh oh, we hear some heavy breathing and you can tell that Joey is pounding her as hard as he can. But no, I’m wrong. She’s actually crying because she’s so emotional about letting Joey pork her for the first time. Joey tells her that he has to go and holy shit, we get a shot of his bare ass. But Caitlin is amazed how calm he is about all this. If she only knew that Joey was having sex with Tessa all Summer long. So now that she slept with him, she’s completely in love with him now and she basically tells him that she wants to stay with him and not go to college with Lucy. As Joey is leaving she tells him how she’s glad that they both waited for their first time. Joey instantly feels like a guilty cheating sack of shit. After he leaves she puts the ring on the other hand now.

caitlin joey sex joey's ass

The next morning Joey is in high spirits because he finally got to do the nasty with Caitlin. Even his hot ass mom is noticing his good mood. She then tells him that Tessa called for him the other night. And what do you know, the phone rings and his mom tells her that Joey’s in, even though it’s obvious that he wants to avoid her now. Right out of the gate Tessa starts with, “Did you have a nice dinner, out with your parents?” And you can tell that she’s pissed off big time. Joey comes up with a bullshit excuse but she doesn’t believe him one bit. Joey then get’s pissed off and tells her, “Listen you little ho, I can go out with whoever I want! We’re not married you know.” As he said that you can tell her little heart got broken. Joey continues to bitch her out about calling his house and accuses her of checking up on him. But she lamely says, “I was going to sing happy birthday into the answering machine. It was supposed to be a surprise.” Joey instantly feels bad again and tries to apologize to her. But she’s had enough. She realizes how fucking stupid she was and she tells him in no certain words that she hates his guts now and she never wants to see him again.

tessa heart broken

At Lucy’s, Bronco and Caitlin are helping her out getting a bunch of crap into a van so that they can go to his cottage for the big party. And damn! Lucy looks good in that little outfit she has on. Caitlin continues to tell her that they finally had sex and that Joey was the perfect sensitive lover. Then she drops the bomb on her and tells Lucy that she’s staying to marry Joey. Lucy get’s all pissed off and tells her that she’s throwing her life away and basically calls Joey a fucking retard. But that’s not the only reason that she’s upset. Since they were going to be roommates Lucy is now completely fucked since the dorms are all full now. Caitlin tries to talk some sense into her, but Lucy’s too busy pouting in the van.

caitlin lucy bronco lucy pouting

Outside of Snake’s house, both Joey and Wheels are waiting on him to come out so they can leave already, but of course his mom is making a big deal about it. While they’re waiting Joey is telling Wheels why Tessa is all pissed off at him and Wheels points out how Joey lied to her. But he reasons since she flipped out, Joey can get rid of her.

Now that they’re on the road Wheels is going on and on about having some freedom and not being with his nag of a grandma anymore. Joey feels bad about everyone leaving, but Snake tells him that he won’t be alone since he has Tessa. Wheels informs him that she dumped his ass and Snake just has to be a shit head about it and is rejoicing in the fact. But it’s short lived because Joey then tells him about banging Caitlin silly the night before. Man Snake is being a judgmental fucking prick in this movie, He tells him, “Into one bed and into another. Real classy Jeremiah.”

wheels station wagon

It’s finally time for the big party and the entire Degrassi cast seems to be there. The Zits arrive and Wheels all happy tells them, “I told you my car would get us here!” Seems like everyone is getting boozed up. Just then Caitlin comes out and tells him all sternly, “Joey! We have to talk. Inside, it’s very serious.” You can tell that Joey’s heart is filled with terror right now. As they go inside Bronco mutters, “Well I figure someone’s going to get lucky.” Wheels finds that to be so fucking funny that he spits up his beer.

degrassi cast bronco wheels

Inside she tries to talk to him but Lucy comes in looking at her with thunderbolts in her eyes and she pulls him inside of an empty room. So as soon as they shut the door, she says, “See which hand it’s on?” After a few seconds Joey finally figures it out and says, “We’re engaged?” She tells him that she’s decided to stay and go to college there. He tells her that he thought she was pissed off at him and she says, “Why Joey, guilty conscience?”

caitlin joey engaged

We cut to Tessa in the health clinic and she’s there for her abortion. And I believe that’s the end of Tessa for the series.

Back at the party everyone is having a good time. Joey and Caitlin come out of the room and Joey announces that Caitlin is now his fiance. Both Snake and Lucy can’t hide their disgust upon hearing this, with Lucy saying, “Mrs Jeremiah.” What assholes. Snake shakes her hand and tells her congratulations. Just then Wheels comes in and you can tell that he’s getting drunk. Joey of course can’t help being obnoxious and starts to make fun of Snake for being a big zero with women. Snake get’s all pissed off and does a real dick move. He says, “You shut up Joey! If you’re not quiet there’s a thing or two that I can say about you that some people would find pretty interesting.” He says this while looking at Caitlin. Wheels comes in and says, “Whoa, whoa.” Joey takes Caitlin outside before Snake can open his big mouth.

Snake Joey

As they leave Wheels tells Snake, “That was stupid, he was just kidding.” Snake starts to bitch about having the worst Summer ever. This brings about some ridicule from Wheels, but he ruins it when he mentions how Snake still has his parents and how he’s going to college. Wheels heads back outside, but before he does that he tells him to grow up and shoves him a little with his knee. Snake get’s really angry and starts to go off on Wheels now. He says, “Oh you’re so mature Wheels. The guys spends his whole Summer drinking beer and playing with his car.” Wheels tells him to watch his fucking mouth about the car and Snake says and this is completely repeated word for word, “I don’t know why you’re so proud of it Wheels. I’d put a bag over my head if I was driving that piece of shit.” The first time I saw this I said to myself, “Did he really just say that?” But oh it goes on. Wheels shoves him and says, “You know you can be a real asshole sometimes. Yeah, you’ve got a really big mouth!” Again I was all, “Oh shit, Wheels just called Snake an asshole!” Before they can start fighting Lucy and Bronco break it up. She tells him, “Why don’t you take me in that great car of yours so we can get some chips.” Fuck what a huge mistake that suggestion was! You’ll see.

wheels snake fightwheels bronco

Outside Wheels is finishing off his drink and Lucy asks him what all that was about. Wheels says, “The guy is an immature idiot, he’s been bitching all Summer.” The language!! Haha. Anyways, they pull out to get some chips and she’s saying how Summer is almost over and that they’re all nervous to move on.

wheels drinking

There seems to be a drunken volleyball game going on and Simon and Alexa start to argue about wedding showers. He’s going on about being sick and tired of being around people he doesn’t know and not really wanting the presents they’re getting. Just as he’s yelling at her Tracy throws the ball and it hits him on the backside of his head. Else where Allison and Amy decide to take a canoe out onto the lake. But the both of them are drunk as shit!

simon alexa

Joey tells Caitlin that he’s going inside for a beer and goddamn it. This is it. This is the scene where the shit completely hits the fan. Ready? Joey see’s Snake sulking in a chair and he tells him that he really did a huge fuckhead move and that he’ll kill him if he does it again. Instead of just leaving it right there Joey continues while laughing with, “When are you just going to take a joke?” Snake being a bitch says, “It’s not a joke to me Joey!” And starts to go off on a rant, basically he’s being a huge hater because Joey got to have sex with two different women while Snake only fucked himself. Joey tells him that he doesn’t have to stand there and listen to this bullshit. But Snake isn’t done yet. Just as Caitlin comes in and this is word for word again. He says, “No you’re going to listen to me. Joey Jeremiah spends his Summer dating Caitlin and fucking Tessa!” And at that exact moment, the entire Degrassi universe comes crashing down.

snake life ruiner

Snake just leaves with out saying a word and Caitlin is completely furious and heartbroken at the same time. Joey tries to bullshit his way out of it but she says, “Tessa Campenelli? You were fucking Tessa Campenelli?” Wow so Snake and Caitlin just said fuck. I couldn’t help but think, “How did they get away with saying that on Canadian TV?” Anyways, Joey of course tries to lie his ass off but she totally doesn’t believe him. Snake meanwhile goes out onto the lake front feeling sorry for himself. Back inside Joey finally admits that he did indeed bang her but it didn’t mean anything. Of course she starts to lose it after realizing that he wasn’t even a virgin when she let him bang her. Joey giving a really pathetic excuse says that since she was always busy, Tessa was there and besides she came on to him. She then asks him how long it was going on and he says for most of the Summer. At that she starts to cry and tells him how she was going to stay there to be with him. She throws the ring at him and says, “You’re such a bastard!” Shit, I could have told her that since Degrassi Junior High.

caitlin pissed caitlin heartbroken

This dramatic rock song comes on and Joey is banging on the door that she locked herself in. Begging to let him explain himself. Outside, sure enough the canoe with Allison and Amy tips over and it seems like Allison can’t swim. Amy starts to yell and she sounds awful! Kind of like Spike with Joan Rivers voice. Snake immediately jumps into the lake followed by Luke and Yick. He finally get’s there and dives underwater in some really nasty looking water. After some suspense he comes back up with Allison and he takes her back to shore. Back inside Joey is crying now, saying how he didn’t mean to hurt her. They finally get to shore and now Snake starts to cry like a little bitch. He probably knows that he fucked up and is now completely overwhelmed with emotion.

allison amy joey crying snake crying

But it’s not over yet! We hear Bronco asking someone where Lucy is at and she should have been back already. We cut to Wheels looking completely fucked up with his glasses broken and blood all over his shirt. Shit we see the jaws of life being used to get someone out and wow! Lucy is even more messed up. She’s getting carried away in a stretcher and we can see a huge fucking hole in the wind shield where you can tell her face went through. The other car is all flipped over and the paramedic is carrying the dead body of some little boy. Oh Wheels, you are so boned here because the other paramedic found the beer bottle in his car. He just tells Wheels that he has to come with him and off he goes to jail.

wheels car crash lucy stretcher dead kid

We see Joey coming into the Degrassi Jail and Wheels comes in to talk on the phone with him behind some glass. Joey being stupid of course doesn’t get why he still has to talk to Wheels on the phone still. Wheels tells him, “This isn’t a funny place Joey, I hate it!” Joey tells him that he doesn’t get why he’s there and Wheels explains how he’s no longer a minor because he’s 19. Then he goes on to say that he’s been charged. He’s all, “Criminal negligence causing death, criminal negligence causing injury times two and drunk driving.” Joey makes a face because he realized how fucked Wheels is now. And of course true to Wheels fashion, he starts to go off on the situation and says, “It wasn’t my fault that kid wasn’t wearing a seat belt! It wasn’t my fault Lucy wanted chips!” What an asshole. So he completely maimed Lucy and killed some poor kid but it wasn’t his fault, even though he was drinking and took her for a spin in his goddamn death mobile. He goes on to mention that Snake isn’t taking his calls. Man Snake in this movie has been a complete self righteous sack of shit. Joey goes on to mention that they aren’t talking either. Wheels Starts to cry and says, “Best friends are supposed to stick together!”

wheels jail

In the hospital Caitlin comes to visit Lucy and Bronco tells her that they don’t know if she’ll ever see or walk again. Now he’s crying and he’s blaming himself saying that he shouldn’t have let her go with him. Caitlin walks into the room and Lucy is all fucked up. By why tape pot pies to her eyes like that? She tells her how she’s now blind and doesn’t want to be. Caitlin starts to cry and tells her how they should be going to college together and gives her a kiss on the forehead.

lucy maimed

We see Joey pulling up to Snake’s house and it seems like he’s getting ready to leave for college. Joey tries to talk to him and of course he acts like a dick. Joey goes on to tell him how Wheels is upset about Snake ignoring him, but Snake points out how his parents were killed by a drunk driver and now he killed a kid. Which is true, but Snake can’t help being a fucking asshole and is just all pissed off at Wheels for killing the kid and basically ruining Lucy’s live. Joey tells him that not talking to him isn’t going to change anything. At that Joey leaves all disgusted at him but just then Snake sort of apologize’s about ruining Joey’s shit. Snake get’s into the car and Joey one last time begs Snake to talk to Wheels and mentions how they’ve been friends since the 8th grade. But Snake doesn’t want to hear it, he tells Joey, “See you Jeremiah.” And his mom drives off, leaving Joey just standing there. What a fucking dick.

snake

So finally it’s Alexa and Simon’s wedding. The entire Degrassi cast seems to be there for the event. But Simon just couldn’t help doing one more jackass thing. He got a fucking perm! In what world would that look good to anyone?! At the reception we hear the same lame theme song that we heard when the movie’s title came on screen. Ok, I understand why Cindy is there, but why is Joann and Tabby there acting like they’re her best friends? Where the fuck is Michelle? Tracy asks Simon if he’s ready to do the nasty with Alexa. You can tell that he’s going to be the power bottom in that relationship too.

Simon alexa wedding
Tim, Simon, Yick Wedding

We start to get some news on what some of the people are up to now since it’s now Fall. Caitlin is asking Heather where Erica is and it seems like she’s in the Dominican Republic banging some guy named Carlos now. Spike and Caitlin start to talk and it turns out that she’s in college now too. We then see Snake talking to this cute nerdy girl and it seems like he finally has a girlfriend.

Snake see’s Joey getting some booze and he tries to make conversation with him. He tells him that his new girlfriend is named Pam. He finally asks about Wheels and Joey mentions that his trial is in November and that Wheels has decided to plead guilty. Joey then asks Snake if he’s ever going to write him and Snake just says, “Maybe.” After that, he introduces Pam to Joey, telling her that Joey is an old friend.

joey snake pam

Joey spies Caitlin, but before he goes to talk to her, he makes plans to play some pool with Snake before he goes back to school. Finally Joey asks Caitlin if he can sit down and she says sure. He asks her how school is going and she just has to mention how much she loves it. Joey goes on to say how some day she’s going to be famous and he’s going to be telling everyone that he used to know her. After Spike leaves, Joey tells her that he’s sorry for hurting her again, but Caitlin tells him that he did her a favor and that she’s glad she went away. They then ask each other if they’re seeing anybody and they both say no. She then asks him if he’s still seeing Tessa but he says that they don’t talk at all due to her hating his fucking guts.

joey caitlin

BLT then introduces Alexa and Simon and they start to dance. Joey goes on to ask Caitlin if she thinks they’re going to make it. She says they just might. Shit, Simon isn’t going anywhere! Alexa has had him pussy whipped since day one! Caitlin then asks Joey if he wants to dance and says, “As old friends?” Joey get’s this big smile and says that he’d like that. As they start to dance he asks her if she thinks that they would have lasted, but she only says, “We’ll never know will we? We can’t go back.” Joey goes on to say, “We’ve had some good times right?” The movie ends with her replying with, “We had some great times.”

alexa simon joey and caitlin last dance

This ballad then comes on and we get scenes from the movie being played in the back ground of the credits. We see that this band named Harem Scarem contributed 8 songs to the soundtrack. This guy named Gowan had a few songs in there too. All those songs combined has possibly made this to be the cheesiest soundtrack known to mankind! Worse than the animated Transformer’s movie.

So yeah, the movie ends on a big down ending. Joey and Caitlin are no more, Lucy is completely maimed. Wheels is going to be in prison for a long time and Snake is still a fucking dick and a life ruining idiot. I still say that Snake should be murdered for what he did.

So that’s it with Degrassi and this blog peeps. Maybe I’ll post a top ten most fucked up moments in Degrassi history. This movie alone had about four of them. Or maybe I’ll do a Zit Remedy retrospective in the future. I’ve been asked if I’m going to review Degrassi: The Next Generation and the answer to that is, fuck no! And besides it’s been done before in a very hilarious manner. You should check out these reviews, here: http://dumbbaby.net/btc.shtml And this guy named AJ has one of the most hilarious Degrassi fan sites ever! http://www.fu-manchu.com/degrassi/

But let me just say that I’ve loved writing these reviews for you all. The feed back that I’ve gotten has been reward enough. Who would have thought that going through a bad break up and just a spur of the moment thought would lead me to write this? So with that goodbye Degrassi!

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School’s Out, Part 1

Ok, so this one is definitely the last review that I’ll be doing on the original series. Because that’s right, this is Degrassi’s swan song, a cheesy made for TV movie. Most people here in the states never saw it until it was released on DVD with the Degrassi High box set. I know that was the first time I ever saw it. Back in 07 I wrote a short blog about this on Myspace. Shit, remember Myspace? Anyways, this review will be split into two parts because this movie is just too epic for just one single entry.

We open with Joey looking into a jewelry display case and of course the ring he wants to look at is way too expensive for the likes of him. All of a sudden we see that there’s a graduation going on, but it’s the original 8th grade class so why the hell is Caitlin there with them? And it’s like Saved by the Bell. It’s the smallest graduating class ever!  I wonder why Joey isn’t at least watching his girlfriend and friends graduate? We cut yet again from Joey being cheap to Wheels looking smelly and greasy as hell, and he just bought a shitty looking station wagon. I gotta say, glad he finally got rid of that horrible mullet. Now he’s upgraded to Bon Jovi hair. Joey finally get’s his ring, a piece of crap that’s 65 bucks. Turns out that Lucy is class valedictorian. She gives out the typical cliched speech about moving into the real world and Bronco has this huge video recorder taping everything.

Joey ring lucy wheels car

As she finishes her speech we see that they’re at a party and this really cheesy rock song comes on and it says School’s Out! in this really ridiculous looking font. Wow, looks like Joey has gotten himself a classic Firebird. He pulls up with Caitlin and they can’t believe that the graduation party is still going on even though it’s midnight. What a couple of lameo’s with that statement. So right out the gate Joey tells Caitlin and the audience that she took a bunch of extra course’s so that she could graduate a year early. Why? It beats the shit out of me. But then again, when did Degrassi ever make sense?

schools out

They walk into the party and I’m assuming it’s Bronco’s house. Everyone seems to be there, including the twins, Tracy Morgan, Fat Nancy and the rest of the Degrassi gang. Tracy starts to make fun of Joey for being a dumbass and still being at school. Bronco seems to be interviewing people and starts to harass Joey until he goes outside. Ok, I’ve always thought that Alexa has looked a little dumpy, but she looks banging in the dress she has on. She and Simon are going up to everyone and annoying people showing them their engagement ring. I love how Caitlin is acting like she’s always known these people. As far as I’m concerned she and Alexa have never talked once. Alexa tells everyone that the wedding is going to be in October. Of course Lucy just has to put her two cents in and tells Caitlin what a huge fucking mistake they’re doing and even mentions the fact that they’ve never boned before.

alexa simon lucy caitlin

In the back yard Allison and Amy are smoking weed with Yick, Luke and the other burn outs. Amy I gotta say is looking smoking hot! Tessa meanwhile is just sitting there looking all bored and she starts to bitch out this guy who was always in the background in the series about getting fucked up on the weed. He tells her to lighten up and she tells him that he ruined everything. Going by this exchange, I guess she and Yick didn’t last long.

luke amy allison

In some smokey looking recreational room Wheels and Snake are playing a game of pool and Joey finally finds them. Wheels shows him a picture of the wagon and tells him that he paid 200 dollars for it. For once I agree with Snake because he said he was robbed. Wheels asks Joey if he can tow his car cause it doesn’t even run. Snake uses that for the perfect opportunity to tell the dudes that he starts his new job as a lifeguard the next day. But he only wants the job so he can meet someone to have sex with. He tells the guys that he doesn’t want to go to college a virgin. Joey saying, “Sure you are.” Snake then says, “From a guy who will never get into Caitlin’s pants.” He’s right about that. She seems like the type that would only bang you if you read stuff like War and Peace or The Fall of the Roman Empire. Wheels tells them, “My two virgin buddies. Who will be the first to get laid? Let the games begin.” But who did he have sex with? I call bullshit. Joey all of a sudden says that it’s time and excuses himself.

snake wheels

Joey comes upon Caitlin and Fat Nancy. He rescue’s her from Fat Nancy bragging about doing God knows what. Joey take’s Caitlin into an empty bed room and he’s all, “Do you know what time it is?” Then acting like a girl he tells her how three years ago that day they went out on their first date. He then busts out the ring in this heart shaped box and tells her it’s a graduation present. She says thank you and gives him a kiss, but Joey isn’t done yet. He suddenly tells her that it’s kind of an engagement ring as well. Right away you can tell that she doesn’t want to marry Joey’s dumbass. He starts to ramble about her not going away to college and staying there in a shitty married life with him. Of course she tells him that she’s way too young and wants to explore the world. Then she says, “I’m just not ready for a commitment.” Joey get’s all heartbroken and tells her to keep the ring still cause it’s a graduation present and he tells her to give him a minute because he wants to gently weep into the pillow once she’s out of the room.

Fat Nancy joey caitlin

Snake meanwhile is wondering where “The little midget is at.” Wheels incorrectly thinking that he’s boning Caitlin. Joey finally comes out of the room all pissed off and he get’s ambushed by Simon and Alexa and their engagement ring. After Bronco tries to interview him again Joey shoves his camera out of the way and storms out of the house. As soon as she see’s him Tessa asks him if he’s going home and she then asks him if he can give her a lift. Both of them are all pissed off about their boyfriends/girlfriends.

joey tessa pissed

As they pull up to Tessa’s house she asks him if he’s going to work at a drug store during the Summer and he says yes. She mentions that she’s working at a photomat next door to him. She thanks him for the ride home and all of a sudden they start making out. You can tell that Joey got a rock hard boner from that. Especially since he was staring at her hot little ass in that miniskirt as she went up her walk way.

tessa joey kissing

Seems likes it’s finally the next day and Lucy is swimming in a pool full of garbage. Lucy comes up and she’s all, “I can’t believe he asked you to marry him.” Caitlin being stupid says, “I think I hurt his feelings.” You fucking devastated him you idiot. Anyways, Caitlin tells her all about maybe staying there to be with Joey. But right away Lucy get’s on her ass about going to some school named Carlton and that they’re going to be roommates. But once again, since when have Caitlin and Lucy been the best of friends? Where the fuck is Maya at? Long story short, Lucy convinces her to still go to college, but mostly for her own selfish reasons.

caitlin bronco lucy

At the drug store Joey is pricing a box of condoms. A product that he probably will never get to use with Caitlin. Tessa meanwhile comes dressed looking fine as hell in her tight ass dress that she has on. You can tell she’s there to seduce him. She thanks him for the ride and then she goes ahead and totally asks him out. It’s hilarious. It’s like she’s the guy and Joey is the girl. She even tells him that she doesn’t want to force him to do anything. Joey it seems like he wants to tell her that he’s with Caitlin but then you see the wheels going on in his head and he says, “Sure why not?” Then he asks her for a movie date. Oh lord, as soon as she leaves Caitlin comes around looking hot in a German looking uniform for a restaurant. She tells him sorry for not wanting to marry him but that she’s very confused and wants to keep seeing him. She then tries to give the ring back, but Joey insists that she keeps it. She says ok and tells him that she’ll wear it on her right hand. They then make out and everything is back to normal. At least to her that is.

tessa caitlin joey

Oh my God! We cut to Snake in a locker room and he looks at himself in the mirror and says, “Look out ladies, here I come.” But there’s one problem here. He has sunscreen all over his nose and he’s wearing the stupidest lamest hat ever! Way to make yourself look like a dip shit Archie! He heads outside and of course there are a whole bunch of pieces of ass out there. But leave it to Snake to completely humiliate himself three seconds after coming outside. He tells the girls hey and then falls into the pool. Of course the girls laugh at his ass.

snake pool

Wheels is asking Joey want he thinks of his station wagon. Joey doesn’t have the heart to tell him that he got ripped off big time, so he just says that it has character. Wheels tells him that it doesn’t look like much now, but he’s going to take it to Thunder Road once it’s fixed up. Nah, he just say’s that this car is his freedom and future. Oh we get some more back story. Seems like he’s going to Calgary to live with some chick named Karen. Whoever that is. Joey then tells Wheels all about his date with Tessa. Joey is all defensive about it, but Wheels doesn’t give a shit. He just says, “Your life man.” But what a bad omen, he ties a rope to the bumper and as soon as Joey pulls away the fucking thing comes apart.

wheels car station wagon

Ok, this has to be the same restaurant that Liz’s mom was working at, because Caitlin definitely has the same uniform. Anyways, she’s a terrible waitress because she’s fucking up everyone’s orders. We then go to Joey’s date with Tessa and he can’t help annihilating the last slice of pizza. They then start laughing about what sounds is the most stupidest movie ever. She then tells him that she doesn’t have to be home for another hour and a half and asks Joey what he wants to do next. We immediately cut to Joey’s car and you can tell that he’s totally going to fuck her brain’s out. And holy shit. He’s undoing her top and just squeezing her tits while they’re making out.

joey feeling up tessa

We then see her rushing to her job and oh great! Spike is working there. Ok, what is up with her eyebrow’s and voice? She sounds like she’s a smoker now and she definitely needs to tweez that shit. She get’s off the phone and complains to Tessa about Emma having a tantrum at day care and says all annoyed, “Why couldn’t they handle it?” Uh I can tell you Spike, because you’re the fucking mother, that’s why! But Tessa just ignores her and starts to tell her all about going out with Joey and him going in head first into second base with her. Spike tells her to be careful because he and Caitlin have been on and off for years now. But Tessa is delusional and figures that he’s her’s now. Alexa and Simon then walk in and of course they’re talking about their engagement.

spike

Wheels it appears still has his job at the gas station and Joey is telling him all about getting to third base with Tessa. He was sure that he was going to get to pork her but he says that he stopped himself cause he’s still with Caitlin. Back to Snake and his misadventure’s. These two little girls start following him around because they think he’s cute.

It seems like Joey and Caitlin are coming back from a date and she’s boring everyone with her plans for the future. Again Joey wants her to take at least a year off so that he can graduate and be with her and she tells him what the point was of her taking the extra classes for graduating early. Joey’s all, “Oh that’s right, I’m stupid.” They start to kiss and Joey is a fucking walking hard on in this movie. He starting to rub his hands inside of her thighs, slowing moving up for a good finger bang. But Caitlin is a fucking prude and stops him. You can tell that he has the worst blue balls ever with her. She then gives him the lame excuse of her not being ready for sex. They try to set up another date, but it seems like they’re hardly going to see each other that Summer because of their different work schedule’s.

caitlin thighs Joey blue balls

It’s funny that for the first time ever we’re getting all these exterior shots of their respective houses. Joey walks in and his hot milf of a mom is having a cup of tea or whatever. She answers the phone and it’s Tessa calling him up. Joey get’s all excited and tells her that he’ll take the call in his room. She’s sitting in bed in the nude. No she isn’t, but once again she asks him out and Joey being horny totally wants to see her again. She invites him to her house and is even offering him dinner. This really lame song then comes on, with the lyrics, “Temptation!!”

joeys hot mom tessa temptation

Joey comes dressed like a fucking nerd and Tessa of course looks hot as hell again. Meanwhile Caitlin is busy once again fucking up people’s order’s at the German themed restaurant. Back to Joey and Tessa, She drops all of her spaghetti and burned the goddamn garlic bread. The fire alarm then goes off and Joey being a short little pipsqueak can’t even reach the thing so he has to use a broom to shut it off. After they have a little food fight they start to make out like crazy and this time she’s all in her bra on top of him and she says, “Wait.” Joey get’s all pissed off again, because he thinks that she’s going to stop everything, but she just simply asks him if he has a condom. So Joey is finally going to get to do the nasty and not with himself this time. He busts one out of his wallet and he undo’s her bra. All the while this song called Moonlight Desires is playing. So cheesy!!

sex tessa joey

Back to Snake’s subplot at the pool. This really hot chick asks him if he gives swimming lessons and he bullshit’s her by saying that he teaches swimming himself. This little kid comes along and she tells him that he’s going to teach him how to swim for the whole Summer. He instantly get’s this look of disappointment on his face. I love how he thinks that by being a life guard that he’s just going to be swimming in the pussy for the Summer. Boy is he wrong.

snake horny snake disappointed

In the garage Snake is bitching to Wheels all about not being able to find a woman to put his penis in because they’re all either married or have boyfriends. He asks Wheels if he’ll ever have sex and Wheel’s says, “Sure when you’re older, 95 maybe.” Joey walks in and Snake says, “And here we go ladies and gentlemen, virgin number two!” But Joey tells them that he had sex. Snake can’t believe it and asks if it was he and Caitlin and Wheels figures out that it was Tessa. Wheels congratulate’s him and of course Snake just has to be a fucking hater and acts all judgmental with him. Joey reasons that Caitlin can take her sweet time if she wants to, in the meanwhile he’s going to be fucking his brains out with Tessa.

joey bragging

In the photomat Tessa is telling Spike all about having sex with Joey and hoping that he doesn’t think that she’s a big fucking slut. But Spike being Spike says, “Excuse me, if you’re easy, he’s easy.” Yup, pretty much what I’d expect from her. Tessa being stupid reasons that since they’ll both be going to high school together next year, she’s going back as his girlfriend.

We then get a montage with another shitty Canadian song playing in the back ground. Basically it’s all about Joey cheating on Caitlin with Tessa and vice versa. With a little of Joey banging Tessa every chance he can get. I don’t know how he isn’t getting caught because everyone knows everyone’s business there. Oh and we get some more bullshit of Snake striking out with women all over the place. Plus it seems like Wheels is starting to develop a drinking problem. We see Caitlin and Lucy hanging out in the pool and Caitlin randomly just asks her if she likes sex. Lucy asks her what that was all about and she tells her that she thinks that she’s ready to finally pork Joey. And got damn! She looks good in a bathing suit. Finally Lucy is teaching Caitlin how to put a condom on Joey’s dick using a banana for a stand in.

tessa joey sexjoey caitlin beachlucy condom

After all that Joey is telling Snake and Wheels what a great Summer he’s had with both Caitlin and Tessa. Snake meanwhile is all miserable because it’s now the middle of August and he still hasn’t banged a single woman yet. Joey of course can’t help rubbing it in that he fucked Tessa again the other night. After seeing that Snake is all pissed off Wheels offers him a beer. But Snake is being a dick tells him that it’s his third beer. I hate people like Snake that keeps tabs on everything. Wheels just tells him, “So? I replace what I drink.” After it seems like they’re going to get into a fight Joey changes the subject and tells Snake how he’s getting into Tessa’s pants at least once a week. Snake acting all high and mighty tells Joey that he should break up with one of them and Joey reasons since they don’t know about each other, no one’s going to get hurt. Finally after weeks of failure, Wheels turns on the engine for his turd of a car. He’s so excited that he wants to go driving around in it, but they convince him that once around the block is enough, especially since he’s been drinking.

wheels beer zits garage

Back in the photomat Tessa tells Spike that she’s feeling like complete shit and Spike tells her to go home. Just before she leaves, Alexa and Simon come back in. Alexa more bubbly then ever! As they’re coming back to the garage Joey is telling the dudes that he can’t believe what a great week he’s having. Especially the part about Caitlin taking him out for his birthday. But Snake is still being a fucking bitch and starts giving Joey shit about cheating on her. Wheels says that if he can get the car certified he wants to drive up to Bronco’s party, where ever that is. Snake for once not being a puss agrees to go along.

tessa sick alexa simon annoying

Uh oh. It seems like the inevitable has happened and Tessa has gone to a Women’s Health Clinic and she tells the receptionist that she wants to see someone because she thinks that she’s pregnant. We then see her telling someone that she doesn’t know how she got pregnant since they always used a condom when they screwed. But the lady tells her that they’re not perfect and that accident’s happen. She confirms that she’s pregnant with Joey’s grease ball child. But Tessa tells her that she wants to have an abortion. The lady tells her that she has an appointment but that she should still think it over and talk to someone about it.

tessa pregnant

And that’s where we’re going to end this one. It’s been pretty good so far. Who would have thought that they would have showed Joey feeling up Tessa’s tits like that. On TV no less. But it doesn’t end here. The next part is where the shit really hits the fan and the Degrassi Universe will never be the same again!