Degrassi Junior High Reviewed

Degrassi Junior High Reviewed is a blog about the sometimes cheesy, a lot of times badly acted, but beloved Canadian 80's tv series. Each episode will be reviewed in order by a guy who just loves Canadian melodrama. New reviews every week, on Mondays and Thursday's.


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Behind The Music: The Zit Remedy

Edit: Check out the new companion blog Degrassi The Next Generation Reviewed.

https://degrassithenextgenerationreviewed.wordpress.com/

zit remedy behind the music

In the Pantheon of popular Canadian musical artists such as Rush, Nickelback, Celine Dion and Snow. Comes what is possibly one of the greatest school bands in the history of school bands. The Zit Remedy! Led by front man and keyboardist Joey Jeremiah. Lead guitarist Archie “Snake” Simpson and bassist Derek “Wheels” Wheeler. They were so bad ass, they said, “Fuck it, we don’t need a drummer!” Their one and only single Everybody Wants Something catapulted them right into the stratosphere. In Joey’s mind that is. They’re what every lazy, short sighted juvenile band strives to become.

The zits joey snake and wheels

THE EARLY YEARS.

The Zit Remedy had their humble beginnings in the Degrassi Junior High Cafi-gymitorium stage. They originally formed because they wanted to play at the school talent show. Their first rehearsal was a disaster. Musically they sucked a bunch of donkey dicks. Ms Avery wanted to have a heart attack when she first heard them play. Joey also started sporting a stupid looking wig that made him look like the guy from Kajagoogoo. We never did find out how that talent show played out. But we can assume it was bad.

Some early name suggestions were The Creatures, Lovely Lads, The Electric Shoes, The Hong Kong Cavaliers, The Joey Jeremiah Experience, Snake and the Charmers and Joey and the Joey Buzzers. After much arguing they decided on The Zit Remedy and thus a musical legend was born.

zit remedy band pic

About that time Wheels grades were so much in the shitter, his parents made him quit the band while his grades improved. Joey and Snake then decided to recruit Simon Dexter to become a Zit because Simon could also play the bass. Wheels asked them what happens when he comes back. Joey’s brilliant idea is that they’ll be the first band to have two bass players. That Joey Jeremiah, always an innovator. Soon after that, Simon lost all interest in the Zit Remedy because he would rather play Soccer. Snake was so disgusted with him that he called him a Narbo. Wheels’s grades eventually improved and he returned to join the band. The boys kept practicing and practicing the first 5 seconds of the song and then they’d call it a day.

zits practicing

They then hit their second snag as the band slept over at Snakes house. This was also the time when talk of making a music video first started to surface. Wheels was late for an eye Dr appointment the next morning so they decided to take Snakes dad’s car for a little joy ride. Of course they got caught, especially after Snake ratted them out. So their parents hit them where it really hurt and forced them to disband. Joey’s parents who normally don’t do jack shit to him took away his Z 7000 keyboard.

zit remedy no more

Some how the band survived and continued to rock on. It was never explained but not that long after that the band reformed and Joey being their leader started to bother Stephanie Kaye if they could play at the school graduation dance. After much begging, she finally agreed to talk to Mr Lawrence to see if they could even play. Right away Joey had stars in his eyes.

THEIR FIRST AND ONLY CONCERT.

zit remedy

But this was the moment that tested one young Joey Jeremiah. He found out that he actually flunked the 8th grade and had to repeat. Wheels found him at the local arcade sulking. Joey informed him that he wasn’t going to play at the dance due to extreme embarrassment. Wheels basically called him a pussy and if he can’t even play at the dance for their classmates, then how could he play in front of thousands of people. Finally Joey came to terms with his stupidity and came dressed in his best tuxedo shirt. Of course the Zit Remedy rocked the house. Maya started to boogie in her wheel chair, Ms Avery started to twerk way before that was a thing. Spike went into labor during their rockin performance because even Emma wanted to get into all the fun. This was to be the greatest night of Joey Jeremiah’s life, especially after he heard the crowd chanting, “Zits! Zits! Zits!”

zit remedy concert zits joey and sanke concert

STARDOM.

After that, everyone at Degrassi couldn’t get enough of the Zit Remedy. That’s when Joey decided to sell copies of Everybody Wants Something in a live album called The Zit Remedy: Live at the Budokan. Too bad the band never made a vinyl. These things were hot and selling for 2 dollars a pop. Too bad Alex only wanted it so that he could tape over it. How dare he. This single is music history because it was recorded at Joey’s basement at the same time that Wheel’s nerdy parents went to go meet their maker. But we’re getting a little ahead of ourselves here. This was also around the time that Caitlin Ryan became their biggest fan and Joey’s groupie. She bought the cassette and played it where ever she was, whether it was in Mr Raditch’s class or at her home where she was daydreaming of becoming Joey’s girlfriend. Of course Joey broke her heart because he was more interested in Liz. He must have started a drug habit, because what was he on when he decided that? So what did Caitlin do? She threw the single into the trash. Da noive!

caitlin buying tape zit cassette tape

A DARK TIME.

Inevitably with every band there comes a dark period and the Zit Remedy were no different. It all started when Wheels parents were tragically killed in a car accident by a drunk driver. Wheels fell into a deep depression and lost all interest in the Zit Remedy. He even told Joey that he sold his bass. Then he added the insult to injury that the Zits weren’t going anywhere and he didn’t care about the “stupid” band anymore. This news devastated Joey and they had to cancel what would have been their triumphant world tour. Too bad because they had London, Paris, Munich, and Degrassi all lined up.

zit remedy ad

So having nothing left to lose, he decided to run away to Port Hope to be with his real dad and possibly join his shitty cafeteria band. Even though Wheels was out of the band, he still had the bass guitar rock god living inside him. So he couldn’t help slapping the bass with his air guitar while he was walking over there. But he soon found out that his dad wanted nothing to do with him and his nag of a grandmother told him that she does love him and for him to come back to live with her and his vegetable of a grandpa. It was also around this time where Joey wanted The Zit Remedy to make it big in the air waves, so he decided to go get a job at CRAZ radio. Even Snake didn’t think that the Zits were going anywhere. His job there was mostly just a front so that he could leave his demo with the program director. But he was such a bad janitor that he got fired and nothing really came of his attempts of making it big in the Toronto area.

wheels rocking joey radio station

A CHANGE IN DIRECTION.

The boys then started high school and it was at this point in their careers that the group decided to change with the times so they decided to change the name of the band. One suggestion was The Barf Bags. But Wheels and Snake hated that name. So what did they chose? They simply decided to drop Remedy from the name. So from then on the band was simply known as The Zits. Very creative huh. They also decided to write more songs that was big to the teen market. This entailed writing about getting a car and getting good grades. I’m sure Joey wanted to include a song about boning, but more than likely he was vetoed by Snake.

the zits

THE MUSIC VIDEO.

Finally after much talk through out the years The Zits finally made their long anticipated music video. But even this had a few hurdles they had to over come first. The biggest one was getting Lucy Fernandez in directing it for them because she was the only one who had a camcorder. But Lucy being drunk with sudden power wanted 100% creative control and told Joey that there would be no way that there would be girls in bikini’s in the video. It’s a shame because those girls would have been the hot duo of Allison and Amy. Joey and the band decided to give in and she finally agreed to direct. Of course the video was filmed around Degrassi. They even included Clutch’s paint ball shot up car to be the Zit Mobile. The video then had it’s world wide premiere on public access and it seems like they finally recorded a studio produced version of the song. Because it’s much more superior than the demo version.

zits video

THE END OF AN ERA.

After the video came out all three band members seemed to lose interest in The Zits and eventually never talked about it again. Joey and Snake moved on to driving and dating woes. Meanwhile Wheels went into a downward spiral and resorted to stealing. Especially after his grandma kicked him out of their house for being an unruly asshole. Thus the brilliant career of The Zit Remedy came to a close.

the zits ending

LEGACY.

Years later the group continues to get new fans and influence people the world over. People even love to dress up like their favorite Zit. Even though here, whoever’s dressed like Snake looks like Buffalo Bill from The Silence of the Lambs. They’re so influential that someone  even recorded a reggae version of Everybody Wants Something. Yet again proving how timeless the music of The Zits actually is.

zit fans

Well there you have it. The long anticipated retrospective of The Zit Remedy. This one had it all. Humble beginnings, triumph and tragedy. It’s a shame their career was so short lived. Who knows what other singles they could have came up with if they sung about getting a car. But their music will live on forever, even though it was just one song. But you never know, maybe this will help the Zit Remedy get a whole new generation of legions of loyal fans. Especially since this is one of Degrassi’s most iconic musical gifts.

zit remedy banner

And the rest as they say is Rock and Roll… The Zit Remedy foreva!

I’d like to thank my friend the lovely Veronica for doing the Behind the Music pic. Thanks Ronniecakes!!


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Degrassi The Next Generation, “Should I Stay Or Should I Go?”

Edit: Check out my new blog Degrassi The Next Generation Reviewed.

https://degrassithenextgenerationreviewed.wordpress.com/

Ok, since people enjoyed the first episode of the Next Generation. How about another one? But this time it’s Wheel’s triumphant return to Degrassi. Although it’s brief as hell. This is another one that’s named after a song, this time the classic tune by The Clash.

Pre-credit opener: Oh lord, we see Craig and Ashley making out on her bed. Craig trying his hardest to unbuckle her belt. But she hasn’t shaved that week, so she doesn’t want him to. No the real reason is, she simply doesn’t want to. Or isn’t ready for it. So Craig get’s the biggest blue balls since Joey. And right away I’m thinking, “Recycled story line!” Because this is basically Joey and Caitlin’s story line about Joey wanting to bone her real hard but Caitlin is being a prude. But this time Craig is the horndog and Ashley is the prude. Going on, she tells him, “I love you.” Craig of course acts all weird about it, because he just wants to get some. Might I add, why did girls think this guy was hot? He looks like Arnold Horshack from Welcome Back Kotter.

ashley craig
craig horshack

Back at Degrassi Community School. God I hate that name. Craig is talking to resident gay kid, Marco. They run into Spinner and Paige and they’re so disgusting with how affectionate they are. Looking at Spinner I’m reminded of the time when guy’s were getting the Frodo Baggins/Bobby Brady hair cut for some insane reason. After Paige leaves, Craig tries to ask Spinner advice on what he does when Paige rebuke’s him sexually too. But Spinner is such an idiot, he just says, “Dude, I don’t know what to do.” Marco correctly says that all Spinner does is jerk off in his room because he ain’t getting none from Paige either. Spinner replies with, “Like you know anything about getting to home plate. You’re too busy checking out the bat boy.” The machismo is strong in Spinner.

spinner, paige marco craig

Ok, from what I’m seeing Snake has cancer. Leukemia if I’m not mistaken. Spike is dropping him off and she’s telling him that he should just stay home since he’s feeling like complete shit. But he says that it’s too late because they can’t get a sub. She tries to be understanding about it. But Snake can’t help being a dick due to the chemo. Or is that his natural self? I can’t tell anymore.

snake

In the hallway. Marco asks Craig if he loves Ashley, but Craig can’t even explain himself to Marco. Manny, the slut of the school comes by and says hi to Craig all seductive like. I gotta say, for some reason I never mentioned this in Degrassi Junior High. But it seems like the school has no dress code. Stephanie Kaye was dressed like the biggest skank in the history of ever and here comes Manny wearing booty shorts which leave nothing to the imagination. And not once are they told that they can’t dress like that on school grounds. Anyways rant done. Even Marco can sense that she want’s Craig’s dick. Marco then get’s the bright idea of Craig sending Ashley a Rose-a-gram, so that she can really see how he feels about her. Being a big kiss ass, he makes it a dozen.

manny craig marco

In class Spinner some how suckered Ashley into having a birthday party for Paige at her house. Archie comes into class and is being an asshole with everyone in his class, telling everyone to shut the hell up. Everyone starts to get their roses and Ashley receive’s her bouquet. She’s delighted at first, but then we see that Craig once again fucked up. He wrote down, “Ash, you rock. XO Craig.” Which is something you say to someone if you want to banish them into the friend zone. What an idiot.

ashley disappointed

Oh my God! Manny has the world’s ugliest boyfriend, some guy named Sully. This motherfucker looks like a zit faced Hailey Joel Osment. Seriously, in what world is this guy supposed to be popular, let alone attractive to women? Anyways, he acts like a dick towards her and he blows her off by saying that he won’t be going to Paige’s party. He’d rather hang out with some Bob character. This guy has no right to be that confidant. He leaves her all disappointed, but not before he slaps her ass.

sully ugly

Back at Ashley’s, she’s busying making Paige a cake. Man, she sure is going out of her way for her. Especially since Paige treats everyone like complete shit. Craig walks in and she tells him that they need to talk. Which is never a good thing. Basically she wants to take a break from him because she feels that he doesn’t feel the same way. But how could anyone like a sour puss like her? See how annoying the Next Generation kids are to me?

Uh oh. We see Craig’s band consisting of Spinner, Marco and Jimmy. But he’s better known to the world at large as Drake. I wonder if he still talks to his Degrassi peeps? Give Spinner a bone Drake! Anyways, their band sucks. But they’re still way better than the Zit Remedy ever was. After Jimmy berates Spinner for being off beat, Spinner throws his drumstick, which just happens to connect with Craig’s Jewfro. After telling them that they fucking suck, Jimmy suggests that they go have a burger so Craig can wallow in self pity with Marco. So they’re off to Big Kahuna Burger. Marco suggests that he just tell her how he feels. Craig telling him that he is a girl. Man Marco is getting fruity jokes at his expense all episode long.

marco spinner jimmy craig jewfro

So what does Craig do? He leaves a note for Ashley and she meets him in the gym. And he goes on to sing the world’s cheesiest, emo love song ever. Ashley and Manny, who’s gawking at them get weak at the knees. Manny saying, “I wanna have your babies!” But of course this lame gesture totally suckered Ashley in again. You can tell by that, “Oh God I love him!” smile on her face.

manny ashley

Back at Ashley’s, they’re busy decorating for Paige’s party. I would definitely make Spinner’s ass help out at least. Put him on garbage detail or something. Moving on, Ashley was so touched by Craig’s stupid song that she totally wants to bang him now, so she invites him to stay over. He probably got instantly rock hard when he heard that.

At Spike and Snake’s house. Spike tries to cheer Snake up by making him some nacho’s. But Snake wants to fucking throw up from the smell alone. He tells her, “Are you insane Christine? Nacho’s? You know I’m nauseous.” Just then Joey comes in, being more obnoxious than usual. He tells Snake that they’re going bowling, but Snake can’t help being a fucking prick. At that Spike can’t take it anymore and she goes off on his ass. She’s all, “Put the shirt on Archie. You’re not dead yet. Put the damn shirt on and go.” Nice to see that Spike hasn’t changed one bit in being a bossy bitch. It’s funny to see that Emma seems like she wants to laugh her ass off.

joey snake spike emma

We go to the bowling alley where they seem to be playing the Canadian version of bowling. Snake finally seems to be perking up. Until we hear a familiar voice. It’s the most Canadian of all voices. That’s right it’s Wheels and goddamn. He’s as bald as the both of them. Snake get’s instantly annoyed, and uncomfortable and just says, “Joey.” Joey gives Wheels his bowling shirt that says, Pin Pals on it and leaves the two of them alone.

wheels

Finally it’s Paige’s big surprise party and stupid Craig does the huge mistake of telling Spinner all about fucking Ashley the moment everyone leaves the party. She notices Spinner giving Craig a Top Gun wind mill high five, but thinks nothing of it. Manny meanwhile is just sitting there completely bored. I have no idea what she’s even doing there.

We cut back to the Zit’s bowling some more. Wheels tells Snake that he heard that he was sick, but that he doesn’t look it. Snake acts all sarcastic towards him. Because he just can’t resist being a jerk to him. Wheels goes on to ask Snake how he’s doing. Snake admits that he wishes that he was dead. Wheels tells him that he knows how that feels. Snake retorts with, “No you don’t, I’m sorry, but there’s no way you do.” Wheels bringing up the past tells him, “Snake, I was drunk, I drove. I killed a kid. I think I know what wanting to die feels like.” Which is pretty sad if you think about what really happened to Neal Hope. Snake asks him what he did to cope. And Wheels tells him that he found something inside him that wanting to keep going. Snake close to tears admits that he’s really scared, so scared that he can’t even tell Spike about it. Wheels simply tells him that he has to keep fighting. Just then Joey comes along with their drinks and they do a toast to old friends. So finally after about what, 13, 14 years? Snake seems to have forgiven Wheels and stopped being such a judgmental asshole.

snake wheels the zits

Back at the party, Spinner completely fucks things up for Craig by blowing up a balloon to epic dick size. Ashley instantly looks at Craig, pissed off. Craig doesn’t help the situation by looking guilty as hell mouthing, “Spin.” She takes him outside to rip him a new asshole and she accuses him of conning her into sleeping with him with his stupid lie of a song. She then says the whammy that he doesn’t even love her. Craig of course get’s all pissed off and storms out of the house. Manny that Devilish little Succubus see’s her chance and follows him out. She goes for the kill by mentioning how great the song was and how she would have sucked him off right then and there if she was Ashley.

spinner balloon ashley pissed

At Spike’s house. She and Emma look out the window as the Zits are heard pulling up in Joey’s car, singing their number one hit with a bullet, Everybody Wants Something. Both seem to be delighted that Snake finally got that huge stick out of his ass.

wheels snake joey

Uh oh, We go to Joey’s garage and Manny asks Craig to sing his stupid song again. He starts off a bit, but her sexual powers are so great that there’s no way that Craig can resist. So of course they start to make out and Craig goes for it, unbuttoning her shirt. Possibly her very tight pants too.

craig manny

The next day at Degrassi, Manny is telling Emma all about how that was the best day of her life. Emma wants to know all the horny details, but Manny tells her that she can’t for some reason. Craig comes by and he’s basically treating Manny how Wheels treated Heather after he finger banged her outside of her porch in that one episode. She starts to tell Craig that she missed him over the weekend, (Which instantly makes her sound clingy as hell.) but they’re interrupted by a repentive Ashley. She tells him that she talked with Paige and she admits that she completely over reacted. Craig is now guilt ridden like a motherfucker, but she won’t let him talk. She goes on to say that she wants him back and that she loves him. Craig making direct eye contact with Manny says, “I love you too.” Breaking her skanky little heart.

manny heart broken craig end freeze frame

Well this episode hardly had any Wheels in it. It was just a brief cameo that he had. But it was probably done this way because the kid’s watching it probably had no idea who Wheels was to begin with. Once again I gotta point out how they just recycled old Degrassi story lines. But stay tuned for more posts. I thought I was done with School’s Out, but apparently, there’s plenty more to talk about.


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Degrassi The Next Generation, “Mother And Daughter Reunion”

Edit: Be sure to check out my new blog where I rip Degrassi The Next Generation a new asshole.

https://degrassithenextgenerationreviewed.wordpress.com/

Ok peeps, you asked for it and now you’re gonna get it. That’s right! Here is the one and only episode that I’m going to watch for you all from the Next Generation, so I hope you all enjoy it. I’ve noticed that most of the episode titles are song titles. This one being a Paul Simon song, but I doubt the kids that watch this show have any idea who he even is.

Pre-Credit Opener: Yes even this show has a pre-credit opener. We open things up with a now older and googly eyed Emma asking her best friend Manny to read an email from some twink looking kid named Jordan. By the way, I’m hating the acoustic guitar music in the background. Anyways, Manny says that she’s read it six times already. Which tells me that apparently Emma can’t read. What the hell? Manny goes on to read the email that basically talks about this environmental bullshit. Emma swoons because this Jordan character wrote, “love you.” Oh lord. Emma has a magazine and she tells Manny not to rip it because she wants Caitlin to autograph it. And guess who’s on the cover, that’s right Caitlin. And goddamn, she is looking good still! The cover by the way says, “Ryan’s Planet.” We then cut to Spike and she’s aged pretty well too. So glad she finally got rid of that horrible hair of hers. She walks into Emma’s room, bitching her out about getting off the computer and cleaning her room. Seems like she’s still the same. Emma lies and tells her that she was just showing Manny her reunion website. We then get a bunch of what looks like publicity stills from Degrassi Junior High and High. They finally leave but Emma sees that she has a new email but she can’t read it due to Spike yelling at her to get her ass in gear.

emma manny jordan twink spikedegrassi reunion lucy ld twins

Ah the stirring theme song sung by the Degrassi Children’s Tabernacle Choir. But then mid song, this black chick who sounds like the same singer from Christmas Vacation takes over the song and screech’s, “I know! I know, IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII, I know I can make it through.” The name of the show then comes up on some girl’s ass. Just like in Degrassi High.

degrassi logo

Seems like Degrassi is now called Degrassi Community School. I don’t know why, but that sounds so lame to me! Spike drops the kids off with a bunch of crap for her 10 year reunion. They picked up some kid named JT and he’s such a wimp that he can’t even carry a few boxes. So of course as soon as they walk in he drops everything. While he’s doing that, Emma is going on and on about not being able to read her new email and talking about Jordan some more. Emma finds a picture of the Zit Remedy with Joey looking like an ass with that stupid wig he would put on at times. The picture does a huge close up of him and we all know what’s going to happen next.

Emma JT Manny

Yup, we cut away from the kids and what a surprise, Joey became a sleazy used car salesman, and he’s trying to talk Lucy into buying a car. He’s completely bald now because you can tell he was losing his hair so he said fuck it and shaved it all off. I know I’d do the same. Lucy meanwhile looks old as fuck! What happened to her?! But she seems to have gotten her eye sight back and is walking about, but she still needs to use a cane to get around. Seems between the years Joey had a daughter named Angela and apparently Joey’s wife is dead and Joey doesn’t want to go to the reunion because of it.

joey lucy

Back to the school they run into Snake who’s a teacher there now and he looks way older than he should too. Probably because he’s losing his hair big time. So far Caitlin and Spike are the only one’s who have aged well. They give him the crap and then run away ignoring Snake telling them to stop running. We then run into this kid named Toby and his dad. They seem to be getting a private tour of the school by Mr Raditch himself. Seems like Raditch is principle now. Oh God no. JT and Toby seem to know each other and do a stupid Summer camp chant. Right away I can tell that they’re the new Yick and Arthur. Emma then sneaks into the computer lab to check her email from Jordan because she’s fucking obsessed with him.

snakemr raditch toby jt

We then cut back to Snake who’s going through old publicity stills, I mean photo’s of the old cast. Just then Caitlin pulls up in some prom limo talking to some guy named Keith on her old ass flip phone and they do a close up of an engagement ring on her hands, just so we know that she’s engaged to this person. But who gives a fuck, she walks up to the school and Caitlin still has a great ass. She definitely still has it going on. But it seems so strange to me that she would get dropped off at a school that she didn’t even go to, because it’s obvious that this is an entirely new building. She spots Snake and they hug and talk about how happy they are to see each other. I love how Snake’s not even embarrassed for ruining her and Joey’s relationship. Ok, now Joey and Lucy show up at Degrassi for no reason at all and both Joey and Caitlin look at each other with hurt in their eyes. Funny that they’re both not over their bad break up that happened ten years before.

caitlin ass joey hurt caitlin hurt

In the computer lab Emma reads the email from Jordan and she informs Manny that Jordan is coming there to meet her. It says, “TOMORROW!”

Back to Caitlin and the rest of the old Degrassi gang. She’s telling them all about getting married to some director in LA. You can tell that she thinks she’s hot shit because of it. Joey all awkwardly says, “I always knew you’d meet the guy.” While he’s telling her that, Caitlin can’t stop staring at Angela, almost like, “You should have been mine!!” After that Joey confirms that he’s not going to go to the reunion, but Caitlin begs him to go have drinks with them that night. Lucy inviting herself along.

angela caitlin angela

Showing what little kids they are. Emma and her crew are playing in a playground talking about Jordan. Both JT and Toby think that it’s some older guy pretending to be the kid. Emma being stupid get’s mad at them and tells Toby that he’s not a stranger since he emailed her his picture. So yeah, that totally makes it legit. They both continue to say that it seems strange that he’s coming over on a school trip since school is out for the Summer but Emma keeps insisting that Jordan is on the level. Seems like she was born without commonsense. They then have a stupid water gun fight.

park

Back in Emma’s room, both Spike and Caitlin are going through the reunion web site and looking at the same photo’s that we’ve seen through out the episode. Ok wait a second. Why is Caitlin even hanging out with Spike for? Besides Spike ripping her a new asshole for outing her being pregnant in the school newspaper they haven’t had an interaction since! So now they’re best friends? Ok, for this we’ll just have to assume that they became friends afterwards. Still annoying though. Going on, Caitlin admits to Spike that she actually picked out her own engagement ring, which really makes her sound pathetic. But then they’re interrupted by Emma acting like a shit head telling Spike to ask permission next time to enter and use her own goddamn computer. Emma then see’s Caitlin and acts like Caitlin is a huge deal. Spike then asks Emma if she got a new email from Jordan and right away Emma get’s all fucking pissed off accusing Spike of hacking her email. You can tell that Spike barely knows how to turn on the computer, let alone hack her email. Going by all this, I already don’t like Emma.

spike caitlin

We then see Emma and Manny talking about any red flags in Jordan’s emails. But of course Emma doesn’t spot anything. Manny goes on to say that Toby does have a point in the dangers of meeting someone online. But it seems like Emma got her brains from a brain damaged Shane because she tells Manny that she can take care of herself. Manny then suggests that Emma talk to her mom, but she doesn’t want to do that either.

Later that night at the bar, Keith is talking to Snake about wanting to make a movie about teachers. “I’m working on a script about you guys, sort of a Dangerous Minds meets Footloose kind of thing.” This and the fact that he’s wearing shades inside pretty much confirms that Keith is a douchebag of the highest proportions. He then talks on the phone trying to sound like a big shot. Just then Lucy mentions Caitlin’s tv show and all the dumbass situations she get’s herself in. They then start talking about how great Lucy turned out. Not ending up a blind, cripple and almost getting her PH D. Oh boy, Lucy then brings up the accident and mentions how she got off easy. Fucking hell. After all these years you can tell that Snake is still angry at Wheels because of the accident. He says, “Sort of like Wheels, Kills a kid. Ten years later, Scott free.” What a fucking dick, I swear! He did his time Snake, fuck off! Joey then comes on the TV in a very cheesy commercial. Keith then goes on to insult Joey by calling him a shifty used car salesman. Caitlin goes on to mention how Joey hasn’t changed a bit from high school. Funny how Joey takes great offense to this and not the shit that Keith just told him. He goes on to tell Caitlin that he has changed, and so has she. Burn!

keith douchebag joey commercialcaitlin bar

Snake comes up to Joey waiting for his cab at the bar and Joey tells Snake to get off his back because he knew it was a bad idea to have gone to the bar with them. Snake goes on to say that cutting off the world won’t bring back his dead wife. Joey goes on to say that that’s the reason why he doesn’t want to go to the stupid reunion because it will just make him feel worse. Snake of course hit’s the nail on the head and asks him if it’s because of Caitlin. Joey then starts going off about Keith saying what a fucking asshole he is. Snake then mentions that Joey is just dwelling in a world of self pity. Fuck you Snake! God I hate him so much!

Emma is fast asleep but is woken up by Caitlin, Spike and Lucy singing a drunken rendition of Everybody Wants Something. Caitlin has a talk with Emma on the stairs about Jordan. Emma tells her that her friends don’t think she should be with him. She’s only leaving out a huge fucking detail and doesn’t mention how he’s off from the internets. Caitlin once again tries to help, and once again proves that whenever she tries to help, she makes things about ten times worse. She ends up telling Emma to go for it and take a chance. In the kitchen both Spike and Lucy mention how they can’t stand Keith’s annoying, pretentious ass. Emma goes up to her room and emails Jordan that she would love to meet him. What a fucking moron, but what do you expect from a dumb kid.

emma caitlin

It’s finally the day of the big reunion and Spike is a nervous wreck. She looks pretty good in her dress, but then she just has to ruin things by saying, “I feel like I’m going to the prom that I never got to go to.” Then get’s disgusted at herself for saying that. But whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop the clock! She totally went to her formal when Snake dumped her for Michelle. Spike is completely making up her own memories now. It’s clear that Emma wants Spike to leave already so that she can go get ready and see Jordan.

emma spike

At the school everyone is just starting to show up and Snake tells Caitlin and Keith to take a tour of the new Degrassi, but Keith weasel’s out of it by saying he’s going to go get them some drinks instead. As she’s going on the tour she spots Joey’s corny ass.

degrassi

We then cut to Emma and Manny talking on the phone. Emma tells her that she’s not going to go see Jordan after all and is just going to stay in to watch some environmental show. Manny says, “I can help you research.” Holy shit, what a couple of nerds! Who researches a show like that? Anyways, Emma tells her no cause that would ruin her meeting Jordan.

Shit, glad to see Maya is still in her wheel chair. But why is that black chick Joy pushing her around? And why isn’t she with Caitlin? She was only up her ass about everything when they were in high school. See, it’s little things like that, that annoy the hell out of me. Going on, Joey apologizes to her and is rambling about wanting to be friends with her again. She begs him to stay and that it wouldn’t be a reunion without him there. But they’re interrupted by Allison. She looks older, but still hot as hell. She tells Joey how sexy it was that he ripped off his shirt in his commercial and drags him off to have some free drinks.

maya allison

Meanwhile Emma goes to the hotel to meet Jordan. She calls him up and leaves him a message that she’s down there waiting for him. At Toby’s house, Manny shows up and tells Toby and JT that she has a bad feeling. Seems like she went to Emma’s house and she wasn’t there and she won’t answer her phone. Toby goes on to tell some story about a girl who got killed because she met someone online. He then decides that they should totally invade Emma’s privacy and read her email.

manny

Back at the school Joey over hears Keith and Allison talking and it seems like he doesn’t want to marry the goddess Caitlin. What an asshole, he tells Allison that he’s about to make it big so Caitlin’s career would have to take a back seat to his. Joey doesn’t like this one bit. Allison of course is acting like a huge fucking gold digger, but Keith is going for it. Telling her that he would love to take her out if she were ever to go to LA.

keith allison

At the hotel this guy with a pizza asks Emma if she’s Emma. She asks him who the fuck he is and he tells her that he’s Jordan’s teacher and that he’s heard all about her. Ok, at this point anyone with a brain would put two and two together and gotten the hell out of there. But not Emma. He invites her up to have some pizza with Jordan and some other kids, but she isn’t too sure about it. She’s then suckered in because he mentions that Jordan brought some stupid environmental petition for her to sign. So up goes Emma into the Temple of Doom.

emma pedo

Back at Toby’s, they seem to be having a hard time answering Emma’s email security question. At the same time Emma is seen going into that creepy guy’s hotel room. He confirms that he’s a pedo because he looks around before he goes into the room behind her. He knocks on a door and pretends to call the kids in for some pizza. Emma should have realized how much deep shit she’s in, because kids that age fucking rush in just to get a single slice of pizza before it’s all gone. But it seems like she’s still willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Oh boy, he has a video camera on his bed and he tells her that they’re making a video journal of their trip. But it’s really a device to showcase Emma on child porn sites throughout the world. She finally picks up on how full of shit this guy is and she tries to leave the room, but she can’t open the fucking door for some reason so she lock’s herself in the bathroom. She says, “You’re Jordan aren’t you?” Well no fucking shit Emma! Everyone just warned you about him all episode long!

perv emma

At the reunion Raditch is going on about Caitlin and introduces her to give a speech. In the crowd I notice Kathleen, Diana, Trish, someone who looks like Alex, but he looks fucking horrible. Back at Joey’s table Joey makes a scene with Allison and Keith. Joey goes on to call Keith a loser for coming to his fiance’s reunion and tells a slut like Allison that he’s going to break things off with Caitlin once he makes it big. But I don’t remember Keith saying that. He just wanted Allison as a side bitch while he’s still banging Caitlin. Anyways, Simon and Alexa catch wind of this and look over all pissed off. They seemed to have aged pretty good too. Keith goes on to tell Joey to mind his own fucking business, but Joey says that Caitlin is his friend so he’s making it his business. Uh oh. Them’s fighting words. Keith tells Joey to relax and lightly slaps Joey on the face. Joey get’s pissed and tries to grab Keith but Keith punches him. God, Joey is still a fucking puss who is getting beat up by people. Keith then get’s him in a head lock but Joey get’s out of it. Ha. Look at Yick there trying to break up the fight. Just then Keith’s phone rings and Joey picks it up. He tells Keith, “Is this what you want?” and starts to bitch slap him a few times before Simon comes and tells Joey to cut it out. Caitlin comes around and asks them what the hell is going on. Keith tries to bullshit his way out, but Allison ruins shit by saying, “So he has doubt’s about getting married, who doesn’t?” Yup, once again Caitlin get’s her heart broken and runs off.

kathleen diana alex alexa simon yick allison bitch

In the hotel bathroom the pedo is telling Emma that he couldn’t tell her his real age because she would stop writing to him. She says that she wants to go home and he tells her that he’s going to go down to the lobby and she can leave. Emma being stupid believes him because she heard the door open and close.

Back at Degrassi Caitlin is crying to Joey in the bathroom and bitching about almost being 30 and not really having a serious relationship. She blames it on always working, but it’s really just her. She goes on to tell Joey how desperate she was to get married that she basically got with anyone. Joey then starts to kiss her ass by telling her how awesome she is. She then mentions his wife Julia and wonders how the hell did Joey know she was the one for him. Joey starts to say that he loved that she called him Joe and she was basically the cat’s meow. Joey ends his monologue by saying how lucky he was that a greaseball like him got with such a wonderful woman. You can say that again.

joey caitlin

Back at Toby’s they’re still trying to figure out Emma’s security password. He finally figure’s out that the password is The Pogues because they saw yet another still photograph of Spike sporting the shirt. Probably when she met that horse faced Irish guy Patrick. Emma finally tries to make a run for it, but the door is locked. I don’t know why she’s having so much trouble opening it though. The guy pops out of no where and he tells Emma, “One noise and I tape your mouth and I don’t think you’d want that.” Emma is so boned now.

emma deep shit

Oh God! We go back to Toby’s and he’s wasting time by schooling JT and Manny how the creepy pedo guy got into Emma’s emails and basically told her what she wanted to hear. He correctly guessed that Emma was stupid enough to fall for it. No one is interested in the environment damn it!

This is getting creepier by the minute. We see the guy set up his camera on a high angle towards the bed. Emma is just sitting there trying not to cry. She should have kicked him in the balls while he was doing all that. He has some real balls though, because he mentions how her mom is at her reunion and doesn’t even know that she’s missing.

emma video

Finally Toby finds out what hotel they’re at and they run all the way to Degrassi. But Toby can’t keep up with JT and Manny because he’s a bit of a chubby dork. HAHA! At the dance we hear the same ballad that was heard in the end credits of the School’s Out movie. Snake and Spike are talking about God knows what, Spike saying that Snake has gotten smoother during the last ten years. But he really hasn’t. Just as Snake is closing the deal, they’re interrupted by JT, Toby and Manny. Toby wheezing to death while JT and Manny talk over each other trying to warn Spike about Emma. Suddenly we see Spike coming out of the school with Snake calling the police.

spike snake and kids

In the hotel room this guy is giving Mr Colby a run for his money for being a huge fucking creep. Smelling her hair, touching her hands. Snake and Spike finally get into the hotel running like maniacs. Back in the room the guys touches Emma’s lips and says, “I feel so close to you.” But they’re interrupted by Spike pounding on the door. Just then Emma yells out, “MOM!” And bites the perv’s hand. She does a back flip and finally opens the goddamn door. Even though she couldn’t do it twice before. She rushes out and Spike looks at her like what the fuck? Snake grabs the guy and shoves him against the wall. He says, “You make a move and I’m going to break your neck.” But please, if he wasn’t intimidated by his height, the guy could easily give Snake a swift kick to his gluteus assimus. But the Mounties finally arrive to arrest the guy.

spike wtf face snake choke hold

Back at Spike’s house. She’s talking to this detective and he mentions how the guy is a repeat offender, but thanks to the ass load of evidence in Spike’s hard drive, they think that they can finally put him away for good. He goes on to tell her, “When this comes back, keep it down stairs, keep the cyber stalkers out of her room.” Yeah, no shit. Nice parenting Spike!

spike asian man hard drive

In Emma’s room, she apologizes for ruining her reunion. But Spike get’s into it with her and tells her how could she do something so fucking stupid like that. Emma tries to reason that she simply made a mistake and that she’s a dumb kid so it’s to be expected. Spike tells her that she’s not dumb and that’s why she doesn’t get why she pulled that shit. But she is dumb Spike! Turns out that Emma kept this guy a secret for eight months. Spike tells her that she can talk to her about anything. But Emma tells Spike that she can’t talk to her cause she’s her mom and she doesn’t remember what it’s like to be a kid. I swear Spike told her mom the same thing all the way back in Degrassi Junior High, so she must have had a flash back when she heard this. Spike goes on to say that she does remember and makes Emma promise to talk to her about things. No matter what. Emma finally breaks down crying and says, “Mommy I was so scared!” Spike cries too and hugs it out with her and that’s how this episode ends, with Emma’s crying face in a freeze frame.

emma end credits freeze frame

So yeah, you guys are out of your fucking minds if you think I’m going to review the entire series. I was all, “Yeah, this should take me about an hour to write up.” Meanwhile this took me about three hours to write. I don’t know why, but this just took forever to get through. But I have heard that there was a scene where Wheels showed up at the reunion and asked Lucy for forgiveness. But it wasn’t in the version I saw. This was an ok episode. It was good to see what some characters were up to since the original series ended. Some aged like a fine wine and others looked like complete shit. It would have been good to see what all the other characters were up to though.