Degrassi Junior High Reviewed

Degrassi Junior High Reviewed is a blog about the sometimes cheesy, a lot of times badly acted, but beloved Canadian 80's tv series. Each episode will be reviewed in order by a guy who just loves Canadian melodrama. New reviews every week, on Mondays and Thursday's.


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Behind The Bell

We interrupt our regular program. (It hasn’t been regular for years now haha)

So I’m also a huge Saved by the Bell fan and my friend Janice got me Screech’s book about his time on the show for an early Christmas present. Some of it was interesting and a lot of it was bullshit. I’ll talk about the highlights, or low lights if you will.

behind-the-bell

First I’ll just say that there’s a lot of spelling and punctuation mistakes. They even repeated the same paragraph twice. I guess no one edited this motherfucker. But Screech comes off as a very bitter person by saying that everyone didn’t want to hang out with him. But he should realize that they didn’t want to hang out with an annoying little shit. Because Screech was about three years younger. Everyone was about 15 or 16 and he was only 13.

set_saved_by_the_bell_cast_640

He has a lot of hatred for the creator of the show Peter Engel, who he repeatedly called Saint Peter because he was a born again Christian and formerly huge druggie and party animal. Tiffany Amber Thiessen, is described as a huge bitch who was once a sweet girl. Mainly because she was mean to him in front of everyone. He goes on to call her a whore because according to him she slept around a lot. The same goes for Mario Lopez who he called a man whore and a bully with anger issues.

kelly

Mark Paul Gosselaar who played Zack was simply called a douche, but he also always called him the golden child because he was obviously the favored star of the show. He goes on to say that Zack would dye his hair blonde and didn’t want anyone to know it. He just loves the fact that he knew that his real hair was brown. Later on in the college years he says that Zack admitted to everyone that he was juicing on steroids. To give him credit, he did say that at the end of the series Zack became a decent human being. Again this is according to Screech.

Poor Lisa Turtle was described as a huge bore who hardly ever spoke and Jessie was just a sweet girl. So not so much hatred there. Even though eventually Jessie also became a hoe because she started banging both Zack and Slater. Obviously he’s angry because none of the girls wanted to be with his goofy looking ass.

Mr Belding is described as an annoying know it all who had horrible luck getting with women. Screech even describes an embarrassing episode where and extra told him to fuck off in front of everyone at the set. He does consider him a good friend so Mr Belding got off easy. And Max, remember Max? He pretty much says that he had a gay love affair with Neal Patrick Harris.

Ok, here’s some of the juicy stuff that everyone wants to know, because I sure didn’t give a shit about how a week of making an episode of Saved by the Bell went.

Kelly apparently was dating the actor who played Johnny Dakota  but she cheated on him with everyone who had a dick. Even with Zack and Slater. At least according to him. During that same anti drug episode he goes on to say that the cast would get high on weed and by cast I mean Kelly, Zack and Slater.

johnny-dakota

Mario Lopez raped a girl and NBC covered it up much to his disgust. He really hates Mario Lopez and it’s obvious that Screech is just a hater because it was easy for him to pick up women. See, Slater couldn’t keep it in his pants and would have sex with mostly all the extras and some audience members too. Which leads me to Screech bragging about the fact that he has a huge dick and that he’s had sex with over 2000 women. While I was reading it I couldn’t help but blurt out, “Yeah right!”

One fucked up thing he says is that he banged NBC executive Linda Mancuso who has since died from breast cancer so she can’t even defend herself. Again, it’s most likely a bunch of bullshit especially since he was still a minor and she was in her 30’s. One thing that I sort of do believe is that he got lucky here and there at Disneyland. Some people will go low and have sex with someone like him. So I’ll give him that.

linda-mancuso

Staying with the sex thing, he says that he witnessed Zack and Kelly going into three hour meetings with the creator Peter Engel. Being an asshole he just assumed that they were having a threesome. He firmly believes that because he and Zack were supposed to go to Paris for a promotion and once Kelly got out of the meeting he was bumped and she got to go instead, even though he got the most fan mail out of everyone. So yeah, clearly he’s still not mad at that right?

Zack once got in trouble with the law for taking a leak outside of a Seven Eleven in Phoenix. I love how Screech delighted at his misfortunes. Another incident was when they played a company softball game and Zack fucking beamed a guy with the ball when he hit a home run. Screech just loved how upset Zack was that he knocked some poor guy out on accident.

Another thing to make him the picked on outsider was that an extra dared to call him a fucking asshole and humiliated him in front of the cast and crew. So in retaliation he took a piss in her purse. Way to go there Screech!

He goes onto a chapter about celebrity’s that he met and big surprise he hated most of them. But I gotta go on to say that the chapter was really short and pretty much went nowhere. Which tells me that he just met a bunch of D listers like Gary Coleman and Webster.

One chapter I do believe is that he got involved with some mooching piece of shit who just used him for his fame because he was gullible enough to believe this guy was actually his friend. Basically the guy just wanted to get ahead in the business and even got him to buy a car for him. What a fool. Eventually the guy wanted to black mail him because he recorded Screech smoking some weed. So the NBC lawyers got involved and took care of this guy real quick.

Another thing that is unbelievable to me is that he’s some sort of badass who will kick your ass if you get in his face. He says that he’s heavily into the marital arts and knows how to take care of himself. He cites kicking Horshack’s ass at celebrity boxing as a prime example. So I guess we can call him a lethal weapon.

celebrity-boxing-screech

Some of the interesting tipids where things like his dad was on the show a few times playing the teacher who told Slater that he wasn’t on Soul Train. Mr Tuttle, the funny obese teacher was actually the accountant there at NBC. A lot of the parents were on the show, but he didn’t go on to say who they played. Thanks for elaborating further Screech!

screechs-dad

I couldn’t help laughing when he was disappointed when Tori Spelling wanted to get with Zack when she was guest starring on the show as his girlfriend. Angrily he says that she would ask him if Zack was talking or asking about her. Eventually he credits himself for trying to hook her up with him.

The book is pretty sad when you stop to think about it. Especially where he is right now after that stabbing incident. Talk about major anger issues because he’ll forever be known as Screech.

screech-knife

He said that he doesn’t speak to his dad anymore because he pretty much lost all of that Saved by the Bell money. Plus the bitterness is still with him to this day. Bitterness on being picked on by the cast, None of the girls wanting to get with him. Considering himself an outsider who pretty much hated everyone there. He said at the beginning of the book that this wasn’t a woe is me book, but it’s a huge pity party of one. I would only recommend this book if you’re a huge fan of Saved by the Bell. Otherwise, who gives a shit.