Degrassi Junior High Reviewed

Degrassi Junior High Reviewed is a blog about the sometimes cheesy, a lot of times badly acted, but beloved Canadian 80's tv series. Each episode will be reviewed in order by a guy who just loves Canadian melodrama. New reviews every week, on Mondays and Thursday's.


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Top Fifteen Degrassi Moments

Edit: Check out my new blog Degrassi The Next Generation Reviewed.

https://degrassithenextgenerationreviewed.wordpress.com/

degrassi cast

Since it’s a year since I started this little blog, why don’t I do a top fifteen of the most memorable moments in Degrassi history? Because a top ten wouldn’t be enough. I think in the future I’ll also do a top ten shittiest moments. But I have a feeling it’ll mostly be Arthur plots. Trying to pick out the best moments was pretty hard, there’s just so many of them to chose from. I tried to come up with the ones that best represented the series. Some of you may have other moments that come to mind and that’s ok. I hope to read what you guys think are the best moments to you.

15. Stephanie Kaye reveals her new look for the school year. (Degrassi Junior High Season 1, Episode 1, “Kiss Me, Steph”)

And oh boy, it’s the most sluttiest, whorish outfit one could have found circa 1987. By a 14 year old girl in Junior High no less. All the boys and the girls can’t stop checking her out. Even Fat Nancy. She basically sells her body to win the school election but quickly regrets it because the job sucks. Eventually her clothing is so revealing that the boys start to chant that they want to see her completely naked. Later on her slutticus wardrobe get’s her into trouble a few times. Mostly by the Pedophile actor Damon King forcing himself on her and by her own mom after she found out that she and Wheels were going to have sex. It’s a shame Stephanie Kaye disappeared after just two seasons, because she was one of the more interesting characters that was on the show.

stephanie fat nancystephanie kaye

14. Erica get’s an abortion. (Degrassi High Season 1, Episodes 1 and 2, “A New Start”)

Yup, Erica, the more promiscuous of the twins actually had sex with some camp counselor during the Summer and ended up getting pregnant. So she quickly decides that she doesn’t want to keep it so, off to the Canadian equivalent of Planned Parenthood she goes. But Heather her prudish twin sister has a real big problem with this, but it’s quickly resolved because she figures that she has to be there for her, no matter what. Liz on the other hand is a different thing. She’s consumed by hatred and starts to anonymously harass Erica, but she quickly catches her and gives her a big beat down. This story line was too hot for American TV and it was banned from airing. Most people here didn’t see it until the DVD sets were released.

erica pregnant erica pissed

13. Mr Colby molests Lucy. (Degrassi Junior High Season 2, Episode 2, “A Helping Hand…”)

Certainly the most creepy episode by far. Mr Colby the sex demon of Degrassi Junior High arrives and all the girls hormones go into overdrive for him. I don’t know why they find him attractive for, must be his pockmarked face and Cosby sweaters that did it for them. Anyways, he takes a liking for Lucy and eventually starts to want to give her a sensual massage. LD meanwhile noticed that he was looking down her shirt, but Lucy didn’t want to believe a thing because she’s lonely and pathetic. But Colby get’s too handsy and Wheels discovers them in the class room with his dirty mitts all over her. Wheels is all, “I’m going to glare the hell out of him.” Of course Lucy doesn’t report him and he returns at the end of the season to do the same thing to Susie. Finally after much nagging from LD and Wheels they decide to report his nasty ass. Too bad we never found out what happened to him. But that’s Degrassi for you.

lucy mr colby wheels glaring

12. The Zits make their music video. (Degrassi High Season 1, Episode 5, “Everybody Wants Something”)

Finally after much bullshit talk from Joey, the Zits finally made their one and only music video. Of course the song was their chart topper, Everybody Wants Something. After much begging, Lucy agreed to film the video for them because she was the only one with a VHS camera. And yeah, the video was a cheesy piece of shit that ended up only showing on public access. The making of it was pretty damn great though. Poor Wheels ended up looking like he had beaver teeth because of the poor quality of the video tape. Joey on the other hand couldn’t bask in the glory because that was the day that Caitlin told him that she was cheating on him with Claude and then she dumped his corny ass for Claude’s prissy ass.

zits music video wheels beaver teeth

11. The girls have a birthday slumber party for Diana. (Degrassi High Season 2, Episode 7, “The All-Nighter”)

I mostly like this episode because Melanie completely humiliated Kathleen while being stoned off of a super blunt that Kathleen stole from Luke. You must be saying, how can you like that? But Kathleen is a bitch and she’s had it coming since the first season of the series. Melanie tells Caitlin, Maya, and Diana how Kathleen’s an anorexic, her mom is an alcoholic and her boyfriend beat her up. Horrified Kathleen runs off to cry outside and Caitlin of all people goes out there to comfort her. Even though Kathleen has been a cooze to her through out the show’s entire run. The ramifications of this episode was that it seemed like that was the end of the friendship between her and Melanie. I say that Melanie wins because Kathleen is such a horrible person.

kathleen upset melanie

10. Wheels’ parents are killed in a car crash. (Degrassi Junior High Season 3, Episodes 1 and 2, “Can’t Live with ‘Em”)

Wheels was adopted by two nerds who preferred dead crooners rather then listen to the popular music of their times, which would have been oldies music. Before all this happened they were having trouble with Wheels because they blamed Joey on being a bad influence on him, so they forbade him to see him again. But Wheels was not to be daunted and he snuck away to record Everybody Wants Something while they went out for a flick  They ended up getting killed by a lousy drunk driver after they came back from watching Caligula. Poor Wheels never really got over their deaths and he was forced to go live with his annoying nag of a grandma. This episode definitely started his downward spiral into the abyss that he dwelled in for the rest of the series.

wheels grandma wheels joey grandma

9. Joey asks Liz if she wants to have sex. (Degrassi Junior High Season 2, Episode 3, “Great Expectations”)

Definitely the most cringe worthy scene in the entire run of Degrassi Junior High. Joey became a walking hard on as soon as he saw Liz and he figured she was a whore just because of the way she dressed. Yeah, when I see a bald chick with smelly looking clothes I immediately think, yeah, she’s a skank and she’d do anybody. Joey assumes that she is, goes and buys some condoms, (which he’s embarrassed about.) and awkwardly asks her, “Do you wanna do it?” Liz has a colossal melt down and boots Joey’s horny ass out of her house. But not before she tells him that she hates his guts and never wants to talk to him again. Later on Joey would once again let his sex drive get the better of him.

joey liz condom

8. Lucy films It Creeps. (Degrassi High Season 1, Episode 14, “It Creeps!!”)

Another great moment was when Lucy made her ultra low budget feminist horror movie. She totally ripped off Psycho for Simon’s shower death scene. But the magic of this episode was the making of it. Snake showed what a shitty horrible actor he was. Joey showed what a bigger dick head he actually is. Saying during filming how fake and unscary the movie was. Finally after she somehow edited the whole thing together she debuted it during Mr Walfish’s 2nd period class. She was severely disappointed because no one took the movie seriously and were just laughing their asses off. Especially at the way Snake was talking in the movie. But she ended up happier than a pig in shit because the final scene of Simon’s murder was really effective and everyone cheered when it was over. Probably mostly because it was over. But hey, it made her happy.

it creeps it creeps simon killed

7. Caitlin publishes a protest. (Degrassi Junior High Season 2, Episode 10 “Censored”)

Caitlin not being able to mind her own business publishes some pirate nerd underground newspaper because she was just so infuriated at the news of Spike getting kicked out for being pregnant. But she forgot one thing. To ask Spike if it was even ok if she could do it, let alone get her side of. Not only does Caitlin not help Spike out at all, but she makes matters worse because now the school and the parents know all about Spike and her condition. The results are that Spike ripped Caitlin a new asshole for being a self righteous crusader and Spike got the boot from Degrassi Junior High. Thanks Caitlin!

spike caitlin

6. Dwayne finds out he has HIV. (Degrassi High Season 2, Episodes 1 and 2, “Bad Blood”)

Probably one of the most heartbreaking episodes of the series. Even though I fucking hated Dwayne’s guts through out the course of the series. But you couldn’t help feeling sorry for his fat ass because he was so boned in this two part episode. He actually manages to find a girl willing to bang him. But being unlucky, she just happens to be HIV positive. She tells him so over the phone while he was woofing down on some left over pizza. He goes to the Dr and has to wait an eternity to found out the awful results. Right away he changes his whole attitude and is actually nicer to his long time nemesis Joey. Unfortunately word get’s out that he has HIV and his friend Nick the cave boy shows his true colors and abandon’s him. His friend Tabby shows everyone what a true friend is.

dwayne pizza dwayne hiv test

5. Caitlin has erotic lesbianic dreams about Ms Avery. (Degrassi Junior High Season 1, Episode 6, “Rumor Has It”)

This was a story line that was quickly resolved and was never mentioned again. Caitlin couldn’t help having dreams where she and Ms Avery would hug each other. Of course Kathleen was the persecutor in the dream and real world. Even accusing the both of them of being lezzies. After acting weird towards the raven haired Ms Avery, Ms A calls Caitlin out on her shit and asks her to explain what’s going on. Ms Avery quickly puts Caitlin’s mind at ease and she reveals in the end that she’s been doing Mr Raditch the entire time.

caitlin ms avery

4. Kathleen’s mustached boyfriend beats her up. (Degrassi High Season 1, Episode 6, “Nobody’s Perfect”)

Kathleen, Degrassi’s resident bitch sasses her boyfriend Scott far too many times and he starts to beat the shit out of her. But he not only does this, he also verbally and mentally abuses her as well. After he viciously gives her the smack down for thinking that she was being a slut with Luke, she finally get’s the guts to dump him, but he won’t take that lying down. He tries to act like he’s nice and tells her that he needs her and even get’s her a present. But Kathleen tells him to fuck off once and for all. Scott hulks out and completely annihilates her ass. Breaking her arm or at least spraining it. That really is the last straw and she has him arrested. She tells him that if he even come nears her again that she’ll have his balls in a vise and have him charged again.

kathleen smackdown

3. Spike get’s pregnant. (Degrassi Junior High Season 1, Episode 11, “It’s Late”)

One of the major events that happens in the series. Shane pork’s Spike at one of Lucy’s legendary parties. Of course this being Degrassi, Spike just can’t have a scare. She ends up being pregnant at the tender age of 14. She and Shane have a talk in the darkened stair well and he points out that they made a huge mistake. Shane at first tries to be a good dad by giving her 10 dollars a month for child support. Even though Spike won’t even let him see Emma. That doesn’t last long though because he trips on some acid at a Gourmet Scum concert and swan dives off of a bridge, fucking him up severely. He ends up becoming completely retarded and Spike goes on her merry bitter way with Emma.

spike shane spike shane pregnant

2. Claude commits suicide. (Degrassi High Season 2, Episodes, 10 and 11, “Showtime”)

Another memorable two parter. After he showed his true cowardice by abandoning Caitlin while they were vandalizing a nuclear spare parts emporium and her subsequent dumping him. Claude reaches a low point in his life. More so because his parents got a divorce and it’s pretty clear that neither want him around. He conjures up an epic dark poem about death for the school talent show.  It’s a huge cry for help actually. But Bronco tells him that it’s a huge fucking downer and he’s not going to include it. Claude get’s pissed and calls everyone sheep. Joann, his annoying friend tries to reach out to him. Claude almost opens up to her, but instead keeps everything bottled up. He comes back the next day of school dressed like a pirate, along with his dad’s 45 pistol. He then blows his own head off in the boy’s rest room. Caitlin and Snake are the most affected by this. Caitlin by getting some flowers and a letter from him from beyond the grave. He basically blames her for his death. Snake is the unlucky bastard that found his headless corpse. Too bad the school got over his death in just a matter of days.

claude claude pointy boots

1. Caitlin finds out Joey cheated on her. (Schools Out)

Finally taking the number one spot is the scene from the School’s Out movie where that asshole Snake blurted out that Joey was fucking Tessa all Summer along. Too bad for Joey Caitlin over hears this and get’s her heart broken. Snake completely destroyed their relationship and just walks away. This was definitely the scene that was the end of an era. Caitlin says, “You were fucking Tessa Campanelli?” Joey tries to bullshit his way out of it, but Caitlin’s not having it. She breaks off their engagement and dumps Joey’s horny ass. This is so pivotal that it even becomes a plot point in Degrassi the Next Generation because it’s clear that they never got over each other.

caitlin pissed

Well there you go. The top fifteen most memorable moments in the Degrassi universe. Some of you may have some other ideas for the top fifteen. If so, leave a comment and share your thoughts. There were so many other moments I could have included, but then it would have been a top 70 moments and ain’t nobody got time for that!

Let me take the time to say that it’s so crazy that it’s already been a year since I started this blog. Some times it was a chore, but most of the time I worked on this because I loved doing it. Plus the feed back has been totally worth it. So to all you readers out there, thank you for taking the time in reading this. Hopefully you got a few good laughs out of it. There’s no way I would be able to take this blog and show seriously.


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Degrassi The Next Generation, “Should I Stay Or Should I Go?”

Edit: Check out my new blog Degrassi The Next Generation Reviewed.

https://degrassithenextgenerationreviewed.wordpress.com/

Ok, since people enjoyed the first episode of the Next Generation. How about another one? But this time it’s Wheel’s triumphant return to Degrassi. Although it’s brief as hell. This is another one that’s named after a song, this time the classic tune by The Clash.

Pre-credit opener: Oh lord, we see Craig and Ashley making out on her bed. Craig trying his hardest to unbuckle her belt. But she hasn’t shaved that week, so she doesn’t want him to. No the real reason is, she simply doesn’t want to. Or isn’t ready for it. So Craig get’s the biggest blue balls since Joey. And right away I’m thinking, “Recycled story line!” Because this is basically Joey and Caitlin’s story line about Joey wanting to bone her real hard but Caitlin is being a prude. But this time Craig is the horndog and Ashley is the prude. Going on, she tells him, “I love you.” Craig of course acts all weird about it, because he just wants to get some. Might I add, why did girls think this guy was hot? He looks like Arnold Horshack from Welcome Back Kotter.

ashley craig
craig horshack

Back at Degrassi Community School. God I hate that name. Craig is talking to resident gay kid, Marco. They run into Spinner and Paige and they’re so disgusting with how affectionate they are. Looking at Spinner I’m reminded of the time when guy’s were getting the Frodo Baggins/Bobby Brady hair cut for some insane reason. After Paige leaves, Craig tries to ask Spinner advice on what he does when Paige rebuke’s him sexually too. But Spinner is such an idiot, he just says, “Dude, I don’t know what to do.” Marco correctly says that all Spinner does is jerk off in his room because he ain’t getting none from Paige either. Spinner replies with, “Like you know anything about getting to home plate. You’re too busy checking out the bat boy.” The machismo is strong in Spinner.

spinner, paige marco craig

Ok, from what I’m seeing Snake has cancer. Leukemia if I’m not mistaken. Spike is dropping him off and she’s telling him that he should just stay home since he’s feeling like complete shit. But he says that it’s too late because they can’t get a sub. She tries to be understanding about it. But Snake can’t help being a dick due to the chemo. Or is that his natural self? I can’t tell anymore.

snake

In the hallway. Marco asks Craig if he loves Ashley, but Craig can’t even explain himself to Marco. Manny, the slut of the school comes by and says hi to Craig all seductive like. I gotta say, for some reason I never mentioned this in Degrassi Junior High. But it seems like the school has no dress code. Stephanie Kaye was dressed like the biggest skank in the history of ever and here comes Manny wearing booty shorts which leave nothing to the imagination. And not once are they told that they can’t dress like that on school grounds. Anyways rant done. Even Marco can sense that she want’s Craig’s dick. Marco then get’s the bright idea of Craig sending Ashley a Rose-a-gram, so that she can really see how he feels about her. Being a big kiss ass, he makes it a dozen.

manny craig marco

In class Spinner some how suckered Ashley into having a birthday party for Paige at her house. Archie comes into class and is being an asshole with everyone in his class, telling everyone to shut the hell up. Everyone starts to get their roses and Ashley receive’s her bouquet. She’s delighted at first, but then we see that Craig once again fucked up. He wrote down, “Ash, you rock. XO Craig.” Which is something you say to someone if you want to banish them into the friend zone. What an idiot.

ashley disappointed

Oh my God! Manny has the world’s ugliest boyfriend, some guy named Sully. This motherfucker looks like a zit faced Hailey Joel Osment. Seriously, in what world is this guy supposed to be popular, let alone attractive to women? Anyways, he acts like a dick towards her and he blows her off by saying that he won’t be going to Paige’s party. He’d rather hang out with some Bob character. This guy has no right to be that confidant. He leaves her all disappointed, but not before he slaps her ass.

sully ugly

Back at Ashley’s, she’s busying making Paige a cake. Man, she sure is going out of her way for her. Especially since Paige treats everyone like complete shit. Craig walks in and she tells him that they need to talk. Which is never a good thing. Basically she wants to take a break from him because she feels that he doesn’t feel the same way. But how could anyone like a sour puss like her? See how annoying the Next Generation kids are to me?

Uh oh. We see Craig’s band consisting of Spinner, Marco and Jimmy. But he’s better known to the world at large as Drake. I wonder if he still talks to his Degrassi peeps? Give Spinner a bone Drake! Anyways, their band sucks. But they’re still way better than the Zit Remedy ever was. After Jimmy berates Spinner for being off beat, Spinner throws his drumstick, which just happens to connect with Craig’s Jewfro. After telling them that they fucking suck, Jimmy suggests that they go have a burger so Craig can wallow in self pity with Marco. So they’re off to Big Kahuna Burger. Marco suggests that he just tell her how he feels. Craig telling him that he is a girl. Man Marco is getting fruity jokes at his expense all episode long.

marco spinner jimmy craig jewfro

So what does Craig do? He leaves a note for Ashley and she meets him in the gym. And he goes on to sing the world’s cheesiest, emo love song ever. Ashley and Manny, who’s gawking at them get weak at the knees. Manny saying, “I wanna have your babies!” But of course this lame gesture totally suckered Ashley in again. You can tell by that, “Oh God I love him!” smile on her face.

manny ashley

Back at Ashley’s, they’re busy decorating for Paige’s party. I would definitely make Spinner’s ass help out at least. Put him on garbage detail or something. Moving on, Ashley was so touched by Craig’s stupid song that she totally wants to bang him now, so she invites him to stay over. He probably got instantly rock hard when he heard that.

At Spike and Snake’s house. Spike tries to cheer Snake up by making him some nacho’s. But Snake wants to fucking throw up from the smell alone. He tells her, “Are you insane Christine? Nacho’s? You know I’m nauseous.” Just then Joey comes in, being more obnoxious than usual. He tells Snake that they’re going bowling, but Snake can’t help being a fucking prick. At that Spike can’t take it anymore and she goes off on his ass. She’s all, “Put the shirt on Archie. You’re not dead yet. Put the damn shirt on and go.” Nice to see that Spike hasn’t changed one bit in being a bossy bitch. It’s funny to see that Emma seems like she wants to laugh her ass off.

joey snake spike emma

We go to the bowling alley where they seem to be playing the Canadian version of bowling. Snake finally seems to be perking up. Until we hear a familiar voice. It’s the most Canadian of all voices. That’s right it’s Wheels and goddamn. He’s as bald as the both of them. Snake get’s instantly annoyed, and uncomfortable and just says, “Joey.” Joey gives Wheels his bowling shirt that says, Pin Pals on it and leaves the two of them alone.

wheels

Finally it’s Paige’s big surprise party and stupid Craig does the huge mistake of telling Spinner all about fucking Ashley the moment everyone leaves the party. She notices Spinner giving Craig a Top Gun wind mill high five, but thinks nothing of it. Manny meanwhile is just sitting there completely bored. I have no idea what she’s even doing there.

We cut back to the Zit’s bowling some more. Wheels tells Snake that he heard that he was sick, but that he doesn’t look it. Snake acts all sarcastic towards him. Because he just can’t resist being a jerk to him. Wheels goes on to ask Snake how he’s doing. Snake admits that he wishes that he was dead. Wheels tells him that he knows how that feels. Snake retorts with, “No you don’t, I’m sorry, but there’s no way you do.” Wheels bringing up the past tells him, “Snake, I was drunk, I drove. I killed a kid. I think I know what wanting to die feels like.” Which is pretty sad if you think about what really happened to Neal Hope. Snake asks him what he did to cope. And Wheels tells him that he found something inside him that wanting to keep going. Snake close to tears admits that he’s really scared, so scared that he can’t even tell Spike about it. Wheels simply tells him that he has to keep fighting. Just then Joey comes along with their drinks and they do a toast to old friends. So finally after about what, 13, 14 years? Snake seems to have forgiven Wheels and stopped being such a judgmental asshole.

snake wheels the zits

Back at the party, Spinner completely fucks things up for Craig by blowing up a balloon to epic dick size. Ashley instantly looks at Craig, pissed off. Craig doesn’t help the situation by looking guilty as hell mouthing, “Spin.” She takes him outside to rip him a new asshole and she accuses him of conning her into sleeping with him with his stupid lie of a song. She then says the whammy that he doesn’t even love her. Craig of course get’s all pissed off and storms out of the house. Manny that Devilish little Succubus see’s her chance and follows him out. She goes for the kill by mentioning how great the song was and how she would have sucked him off right then and there if she was Ashley.

spinner balloon ashley pissed

At Spike’s house. She and Emma look out the window as the Zits are heard pulling up in Joey’s car, singing their number one hit with a bullet, Everybody Wants Something. Both seem to be delighted that Snake finally got that huge stick out of his ass.

wheels snake joey

Uh oh, We go to Joey’s garage and Manny asks Craig to sing his stupid song again. He starts off a bit, but her sexual powers are so great that there’s no way that Craig can resist. So of course they start to make out and Craig goes for it, unbuttoning her shirt. Possibly her very tight pants too.

craig manny

The next day at Degrassi, Manny is telling Emma all about how that was the best day of her life. Emma wants to know all the horny details, but Manny tells her that she can’t for some reason. Craig comes by and he’s basically treating Manny how Wheels treated Heather after he finger banged her outside of her porch in that one episode. She starts to tell Craig that she missed him over the weekend, (Which instantly makes her sound clingy as hell.) but they’re interrupted by a repentive Ashley. She tells him that she talked with Paige and she admits that she completely over reacted. Craig is now guilt ridden like a motherfucker, but she won’t let him talk. She goes on to say that she wants him back and that she loves him. Craig making direct eye contact with Manny says, “I love you too.” Breaking her skanky little heart.

manny heart broken craig end freeze frame

Well this episode hardly had any Wheels in it. It was just a brief cameo that he had. But it was probably done this way because the kid’s watching it probably had no idea who Wheels was to begin with. Once again I gotta point out how they just recycled old Degrassi story lines. But stay tuned for more posts. I thought I was done with School’s Out, but apparently, there’s plenty more to talk about.


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Degrassi The Next Generation, “Mother And Daughter Reunion”

Edit: Be sure to check out my new blog where I rip Degrassi The Next Generation a new asshole.

https://degrassithenextgenerationreviewed.wordpress.com/

Ok peeps, you asked for it and now you’re gonna get it. That’s right! Here is the one and only episode that I’m going to watch for you all from the Next Generation, so I hope you all enjoy it. I’ve noticed that most of the episode titles are song titles. This one being a Paul Simon song, but I doubt the kids that watch this show have any idea who he even is.

Pre-Credit Opener: Yes even this show has a pre-credit opener. We open things up with a now older and googly eyed Emma asking her best friend Manny to read an email from some twink looking kid named Jordan. By the way, I’m hating the acoustic guitar music in the background. Anyways, Manny says that she’s read it six times already. Which tells me that apparently Emma can’t read. What the hell? Manny goes on to read the email that basically talks about this environmental bullshit. Emma swoons because this Jordan character wrote, “love you.” Oh lord. Emma has a magazine and she tells Manny not to rip it because she wants Caitlin to autograph it. And guess who’s on the cover, that’s right Caitlin. And goddamn, she is looking good still! The cover by the way says, “Ryan’s Planet.” We then cut to Spike and she’s aged pretty well too. So glad she finally got rid of that horrible hair of hers. She walks into Emma’s room, bitching her out about getting off the computer and cleaning her room. Seems like she’s still the same. Emma lies and tells her that she was just showing Manny her reunion website. We then get a bunch of what looks like publicity stills from Degrassi Junior High and High. They finally leave but Emma sees that she has a new email but she can’t read it due to Spike yelling at her to get her ass in gear.

emma manny jordan twink spikedegrassi reunion lucy ld twins

Ah the stirring theme song sung by the Degrassi Children’s Tabernacle Choir. But then mid song, this black chick who sounds like the same singer from Christmas Vacation takes over the song and screech’s, “I know! I know, IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII, I know I can make it through.” The name of the show then comes up on some girl’s ass. Just like in Degrassi High.

degrassi logo

Seems like Degrassi is now called Degrassi Community School. I don’t know why, but that sounds so lame to me! Spike drops the kids off with a bunch of crap for her 10 year reunion. They picked up some kid named JT and he’s such a wimp that he can’t even carry a few boxes. So of course as soon as they walk in he drops everything. While he’s doing that, Emma is going on and on about not being able to read her new email and talking about Jordan some more. Emma finds a picture of the Zit Remedy with Joey looking like an ass with that stupid wig he would put on at times. The picture does a huge close up of him and we all know what’s going to happen next.

Emma JT Manny

Yup, we cut away from the kids and what a surprise, Joey became a sleazy used car salesman, and he’s trying to talk Lucy into buying a car. He’s completely bald now because you can tell he was losing his hair so he said fuck it and shaved it all off. I know I’d do the same. Lucy meanwhile looks old as fuck! What happened to her?! But she seems to have gotten her eye sight back and is walking about, but she still needs to use a cane to get around. Seems between the years Joey had a daughter named Angela and apparently Joey’s wife is dead and Joey doesn’t want to go to the reunion because of it.

joey lucy

Back to the school they run into Snake who’s a teacher there now and he looks way older than he should too. Probably because he’s losing his hair big time. So far Caitlin and Spike are the only one’s who have aged well. They give him the crap and then run away ignoring Snake telling them to stop running. We then run into this kid named Toby and his dad. They seem to be getting a private tour of the school by Mr Raditch himself. Seems like Raditch is principle now. Oh God no. JT and Toby seem to know each other and do a stupid Summer camp chant. Right away I can tell that they’re the new Yick and Arthur. Emma then sneaks into the computer lab to check her email from Jordan because she’s fucking obsessed with him.

snakemr raditch toby jt

We then cut back to Snake who’s going through old publicity stills, I mean photo’s of the old cast. Just then Caitlin pulls up in some prom limo talking to some guy named Keith on her old ass flip phone and they do a close up of an engagement ring on her hands, just so we know that she’s engaged to this person. But who gives a fuck, she walks up to the school and Caitlin still has a great ass. She definitely still has it going on. But it seems so strange to me that she would get dropped off at a school that she didn’t even go to, because it’s obvious that this is an entirely new building. She spots Snake and they hug and talk about how happy they are to see each other. I love how Snake’s not even embarrassed for ruining her and Joey’s relationship. Ok, now Joey and Lucy show up at Degrassi for no reason at all and both Joey and Caitlin look at each other with hurt in their eyes. Funny that they’re both not over their bad break up that happened ten years before.

caitlin ass joey hurt caitlin hurt

In the computer lab Emma reads the email from Jordan and she informs Manny that Jordan is coming there to meet her. It says, “TOMORROW!”

Back to Caitlin and the rest of the old Degrassi gang. She’s telling them all about getting married to some director in LA. You can tell that she thinks she’s hot shit because of it. Joey all awkwardly says, “I always knew you’d meet the guy.” While he’s telling her that, Caitlin can’t stop staring at Angela, almost like, “You should have been mine!!” After that Joey confirms that he’s not going to go to the reunion, but Caitlin begs him to go have drinks with them that night. Lucy inviting herself along.

angela caitlin angela

Showing what little kids they are. Emma and her crew are playing in a playground talking about Jordan. Both JT and Toby think that it’s some older guy pretending to be the kid. Emma being stupid get’s mad at them and tells Toby that he’s not a stranger since he emailed her his picture. So yeah, that totally makes it legit. They both continue to say that it seems strange that he’s coming over on a school trip since school is out for the Summer but Emma keeps insisting that Jordan is on the level. Seems like she was born without commonsense. They then have a stupid water gun fight.

park

Back in Emma’s room, both Spike and Caitlin are going through the reunion web site and looking at the same photo’s that we’ve seen through out the episode. Ok wait a second. Why is Caitlin even hanging out with Spike for? Besides Spike ripping her a new asshole for outing her being pregnant in the school newspaper they haven’t had an interaction since! So now they’re best friends? Ok, for this we’ll just have to assume that they became friends afterwards. Still annoying though. Going on, Caitlin admits to Spike that she actually picked out her own engagement ring, which really makes her sound pathetic. But then they’re interrupted by Emma acting like a shit head telling Spike to ask permission next time to enter and use her own goddamn computer. Emma then see’s Caitlin and acts like Caitlin is a huge deal. Spike then asks Emma if she got a new email from Jordan and right away Emma get’s all fucking pissed off accusing Spike of hacking her email. You can tell that Spike barely knows how to turn on the computer, let alone hack her email. Going by all this, I already don’t like Emma.

spike caitlin

We then see Emma and Manny talking about any red flags in Jordan’s emails. But of course Emma doesn’t spot anything. Manny goes on to say that Toby does have a point in the dangers of meeting someone online. But it seems like Emma got her brains from a brain damaged Shane because she tells Manny that she can take care of herself. Manny then suggests that Emma talk to her mom, but she doesn’t want to do that either.

Later that night at the bar, Keith is talking to Snake about wanting to make a movie about teachers. “I’m working on a script about you guys, sort of a Dangerous Minds meets Footloose kind of thing.” This and the fact that he’s wearing shades inside pretty much confirms that Keith is a douchebag of the highest proportions. He then talks on the phone trying to sound like a big shot. Just then Lucy mentions Caitlin’s tv show and all the dumbass situations she get’s herself in. They then start talking about how great Lucy turned out. Not ending up a blind, cripple and almost getting her PH D. Oh boy, Lucy then brings up the accident and mentions how she got off easy. Fucking hell. After all these years you can tell that Snake is still angry at Wheels because of the accident. He says, “Sort of like Wheels, Kills a kid. Ten years later, Scott free.” What a fucking dick, I swear! He did his time Snake, fuck off! Joey then comes on the TV in a very cheesy commercial. Keith then goes on to insult Joey by calling him a shifty used car salesman. Caitlin goes on to mention how Joey hasn’t changed a bit from high school. Funny how Joey takes great offense to this and not the shit that Keith just told him. He goes on to tell Caitlin that he has changed, and so has she. Burn!

keith douchebag joey commercialcaitlin bar

Snake comes up to Joey waiting for his cab at the bar and Joey tells Snake to get off his back because he knew it was a bad idea to have gone to the bar with them. Snake goes on to say that cutting off the world won’t bring back his dead wife. Joey goes on to say that that’s the reason why he doesn’t want to go to the stupid reunion because it will just make him feel worse. Snake of course hit’s the nail on the head and asks him if it’s because of Caitlin. Joey then starts going off about Keith saying what a fucking asshole he is. Snake then mentions that Joey is just dwelling in a world of self pity. Fuck you Snake! God I hate him so much!

Emma is fast asleep but is woken up by Caitlin, Spike and Lucy singing a drunken rendition of Everybody Wants Something. Caitlin has a talk with Emma on the stairs about Jordan. Emma tells her that her friends don’t think she should be with him. She’s only leaving out a huge fucking detail and doesn’t mention how he’s off from the internets. Caitlin once again tries to help, and once again proves that whenever she tries to help, she makes things about ten times worse. She ends up telling Emma to go for it and take a chance. In the kitchen both Spike and Lucy mention how they can’t stand Keith’s annoying, pretentious ass. Emma goes up to her room and emails Jordan that she would love to meet him. What a fucking moron, but what do you expect from a dumb kid.

emma caitlin

It’s finally the day of the big reunion and Spike is a nervous wreck. She looks pretty good in her dress, but then she just has to ruin things by saying, “I feel like I’m going to the prom that I never got to go to.” Then get’s disgusted at herself for saying that. But whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop the clock! She totally went to her formal when Snake dumped her for Michelle. Spike is completely making up her own memories now. It’s clear that Emma wants Spike to leave already so that she can go get ready and see Jordan.

emma spike

At the school everyone is just starting to show up and Snake tells Caitlin and Keith to take a tour of the new Degrassi, but Keith weasel’s out of it by saying he’s going to go get them some drinks instead. As she’s going on the tour she spots Joey’s corny ass.

degrassi

We then cut to Emma and Manny talking on the phone. Emma tells her that she’s not going to go see Jordan after all and is just going to stay in to watch some environmental show. Manny says, “I can help you research.” Holy shit, what a couple of nerds! Who researches a show like that? Anyways, Emma tells her no cause that would ruin her meeting Jordan.

Shit, glad to see Maya is still in her wheel chair. But why is that black chick Joy pushing her around? And why isn’t she with Caitlin? She was only up her ass about everything when they were in high school. See, it’s little things like that, that annoy the hell out of me. Going on, Joey apologizes to her and is rambling about wanting to be friends with her again. She begs him to stay and that it wouldn’t be a reunion without him there. But they’re interrupted by Allison. She looks older, but still hot as hell. She tells Joey how sexy it was that he ripped off his shirt in his commercial and drags him off to have some free drinks.

maya allison

Meanwhile Emma goes to the hotel to meet Jordan. She calls him up and leaves him a message that she’s down there waiting for him. At Toby’s house, Manny shows up and tells Toby and JT that she has a bad feeling. Seems like she went to Emma’s house and she wasn’t there and she won’t answer her phone. Toby goes on to tell some story about a girl who got killed because she met someone online. He then decides that they should totally invade Emma’s privacy and read her email.

manny

Back at the school Joey over hears Keith and Allison talking and it seems like he doesn’t want to marry the goddess Caitlin. What an asshole, he tells Allison that he’s about to make it big so Caitlin’s career would have to take a back seat to his. Joey doesn’t like this one bit. Allison of course is acting like a huge fucking gold digger, but Keith is going for it. Telling her that he would love to take her out if she were ever to go to LA.

keith allison

At the hotel this guy with a pizza asks Emma if she’s Emma. She asks him who the fuck he is and he tells her that he’s Jordan’s teacher and that he’s heard all about her. Ok, at this point anyone with a brain would put two and two together and gotten the hell out of there. But not Emma. He invites her up to have some pizza with Jordan and some other kids, but she isn’t too sure about it. She’s then suckered in because he mentions that Jordan brought some stupid environmental petition for her to sign. So up goes Emma into the Temple of Doom.

emma pedo

Back at Toby’s, they seem to be having a hard time answering Emma’s email security question. At the same time Emma is seen going into that creepy guy’s hotel room. He confirms that he’s a pedo because he looks around before he goes into the room behind her. He knocks on a door and pretends to call the kids in for some pizza. Emma should have realized how much deep shit she’s in, because kids that age fucking rush in just to get a single slice of pizza before it’s all gone. But it seems like she’s still willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Oh boy, he has a video camera on his bed and he tells her that they’re making a video journal of their trip. But it’s really a device to showcase Emma on child porn sites throughout the world. She finally picks up on how full of shit this guy is and she tries to leave the room, but she can’t open the fucking door for some reason so she lock’s herself in the bathroom. She says, “You’re Jordan aren’t you?” Well no fucking shit Emma! Everyone just warned you about him all episode long!

perv emma

At the reunion Raditch is going on about Caitlin and introduces her to give a speech. In the crowd I notice Kathleen, Diana, Trish, someone who looks like Alex, but he looks fucking horrible. Back at Joey’s table Joey makes a scene with Allison and Keith. Joey goes on to call Keith a loser for coming to his fiance’s reunion and tells a slut like Allison that he’s going to break things off with Caitlin once he makes it big. But I don’t remember Keith saying that. He just wanted Allison as a side bitch while he’s still banging Caitlin. Anyways, Simon and Alexa catch wind of this and look over all pissed off. They seemed to have aged pretty good too. Keith goes on to tell Joey to mind his own fucking business, but Joey says that Caitlin is his friend so he’s making it his business. Uh oh. Them’s fighting words. Keith tells Joey to relax and lightly slaps Joey on the face. Joey get’s pissed and tries to grab Keith but Keith punches him. God, Joey is still a fucking puss who is getting beat up by people. Keith then get’s him in a head lock but Joey get’s out of it. Ha. Look at Yick there trying to break up the fight. Just then Keith’s phone rings and Joey picks it up. He tells Keith, “Is this what you want?” and starts to bitch slap him a few times before Simon comes and tells Joey to cut it out. Caitlin comes around and asks them what the hell is going on. Keith tries to bullshit his way out, but Allison ruins shit by saying, “So he has doubt’s about getting married, who doesn’t?” Yup, once again Caitlin get’s her heart broken and runs off.

kathleen diana alex alexa simon yick allison bitch

In the hotel bathroom the pedo is telling Emma that he couldn’t tell her his real age because she would stop writing to him. She says that she wants to go home and he tells her that he’s going to go down to the lobby and she can leave. Emma being stupid believes him because she heard the door open and close.

Back at Degrassi Caitlin is crying to Joey in the bathroom and bitching about almost being 30 and not really having a serious relationship. She blames it on always working, but it’s really just her. She goes on to tell Joey how desperate she was to get married that she basically got with anyone. Joey then starts to kiss her ass by telling her how awesome she is. She then mentions his wife Julia and wonders how the hell did Joey know she was the one for him. Joey starts to say that he loved that she called him Joe and she was basically the cat’s meow. Joey ends his monologue by saying how lucky he was that a greaseball like him got with such a wonderful woman. You can say that again.

joey caitlin

Back at Toby’s they’re still trying to figure out Emma’s security password. He finally figure’s out that the password is The Pogues because they saw yet another still photograph of Spike sporting the shirt. Probably when she met that horse faced Irish guy Patrick. Emma finally tries to make a run for it, but the door is locked. I don’t know why she’s having so much trouble opening it though. The guy pops out of no where and he tells Emma, “One noise and I tape your mouth and I don’t think you’d want that.” Emma is so boned now.

emma deep shit

Oh God! We go back to Toby’s and he’s wasting time by schooling JT and Manny how the creepy pedo guy got into Emma’s emails and basically told her what she wanted to hear. He correctly guessed that Emma was stupid enough to fall for it. No one is interested in the environment damn it!

This is getting creepier by the minute. We see the guy set up his camera on a high angle towards the bed. Emma is just sitting there trying not to cry. She should have kicked him in the balls while he was doing all that. He has some real balls though, because he mentions how her mom is at her reunion and doesn’t even know that she’s missing.

emma video

Finally Toby finds out what hotel they’re at and they run all the way to Degrassi. But Toby can’t keep up with JT and Manny because he’s a bit of a chubby dork. HAHA! At the dance we hear the same ballad that was heard in the end credits of the School’s Out movie. Snake and Spike are talking about God knows what, Spike saying that Snake has gotten smoother during the last ten years. But he really hasn’t. Just as Snake is closing the deal, they’re interrupted by JT, Toby and Manny. Toby wheezing to death while JT and Manny talk over each other trying to warn Spike about Emma. Suddenly we see Spike coming out of the school with Snake calling the police.

spike snake and kids

In the hotel room this guy is giving Mr Colby a run for his money for being a huge fucking creep. Smelling her hair, touching her hands. Snake and Spike finally get into the hotel running like maniacs. Back in the room the guys touches Emma’s lips and says, “I feel so close to you.” But they’re interrupted by Spike pounding on the door. Just then Emma yells out, “MOM!” And bites the perv’s hand. She does a back flip and finally opens the goddamn door. Even though she couldn’t do it twice before. She rushes out and Spike looks at her like what the fuck? Snake grabs the guy and shoves him against the wall. He says, “You make a move and I’m going to break your neck.” But please, if he wasn’t intimidated by his height, the guy could easily give Snake a swift kick to his gluteus assimus. But the Mounties finally arrive to arrest the guy.

spike wtf face snake choke hold

Back at Spike’s house. She’s talking to this detective and he mentions how the guy is a repeat offender, but thanks to the ass load of evidence in Spike’s hard drive, they think that they can finally put him away for good. He goes on to tell her, “When this comes back, keep it down stairs, keep the cyber stalkers out of her room.” Yeah, no shit. Nice parenting Spike!

spike asian man hard drive

In Emma’s room, she apologizes for ruining her reunion. But Spike get’s into it with her and tells her how could she do something so fucking stupid like that. Emma tries to reason that she simply made a mistake and that she’s a dumb kid so it’s to be expected. Spike tells her that she’s not dumb and that’s why she doesn’t get why she pulled that shit. But she is dumb Spike! Turns out that Emma kept this guy a secret for eight months. Spike tells her that she can talk to her about anything. But Emma tells Spike that she can’t talk to her cause she’s her mom and she doesn’t remember what it’s like to be a kid. I swear Spike told her mom the same thing all the way back in Degrassi Junior High, so she must have had a flash back when she heard this. Spike goes on to say that she does remember and makes Emma promise to talk to her about things. No matter what. Emma finally breaks down crying and says, “Mommy I was so scared!” Spike cries too and hugs it out with her and that’s how this episode ends, with Emma’s crying face in a freeze frame.

emma end credits freeze frame

So yeah, you guys are out of your fucking minds if you think I’m going to review the entire series. I was all, “Yeah, this should take me about an hour to write up.” Meanwhile this took me about three hours to write. I don’t know why, but this just took forever to get through. But I have heard that there was a scene where Wheels showed up at the reunion and asked Lucy for forgiveness. But it wasn’t in the version I saw. This was an ok episode. It was good to see what some characters were up to since the original series ended. Some aged like a fine wine and others looked like complete shit. It would have been good to see what all the other characters were up to though.


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School’s Out Part 2

Previously on School’s Out. The Degrassi kids have finally graduated, except for Joey and the rest of the underclassmen. He completely ambushes Caitlin by giving her an engagement ring but of course she turns him down because he’s a huge loser who’s still in high school. So Joey let’s his newly discovered sex drive get the better of him and decides to go and pork Tessa on the side, but uh oh. She get’s pregnant! Snake and Wheels meanwhile are having their own misadventure’s. Wheels with his piece of shit Family Truckster and Snake not being able to find any female willing to have sex with him.

And now, we continue with the shocking conclusion to School’s Out! The next day after her appointment Tessa’s at the pharmacy bitching out Joey because she can’t go to Bronco’s party with him. He tells her that it’s because it’s for graduate’s. But the real reason is because he would get caught red handed. After he tells her no again, she asks him if he still likes her and he lies and tells her of course he does. She’s starting to get all clingy and asks him if she can see him the next night, but he tells her that he can’t because he’s going out to dinner with his parents for his birthday. She get’s all pissed off at him and gives him his birthday present. A lousy t shirt that says, “Naughty and Nice.” He could give two fucks about it and just puts it on a grocery cart.

tessa angry stupid t shirt

The next morning his hot mom wakes him up and tells him to get his ass up for work. I love how he has the nerve to be wearing the stupid shirt that Tessa got for him. Shit, Joey is 19 years old now and she continues with telling him how proud they are of him and that he doesn’t have to worry about his car payments anymore. She tells him Happy Birthday and that they’ll take care of his payments for now on. See? I told you he was spoiled as hell.

joey's hot mom

In Caitlin’s room, she’s getting ready for their date and she looks smoking hot. Especially with that choker she’s wearing. It seems like her mom is going to Montreal for the weekend or something. I could be wrong, but it seems like the dad has been given the old heave ho now. After her mom leaves Caitlin busts out a condom and puts it into her purse. So wow, she’s giving him her body for his birthday. Lucky fuck.

caitlin hot

At some restaurant Joey is trying to act like he know’s his wine. But of course he has no idea what he’s doing. She mentions how she’s going to Bronco’s cottage the next day with Lucy and asks him if he wants to come along, but he says that he’s going up with Wheels and Snake. Ok am I the only one bothered by Caitlin and Lucy all of a sudden being best friends? Anyways, Caitlin shows how horny she is for him now and tells him about her mom going away for the weekend. She tells him, “You know how I hate to sleep all by myself in a big house.” She completely emphasizes the word Sleep, but Joey is so fucking stupid he doesn’t catch on to the hint. So she plays footsies with him and literally tells him how she’s all alone and puts a condom into his hand. You can tell he got instantly rock hard there.

caitlin joey condom

Uh oh, we hear some heavy breathing and you can tell that Joey is pounding her as hard as he can. But no, I’m wrong. She’s actually crying because she’s so emotional about letting Joey pork her for the first time. Joey tells her that he has to go and holy shit, we get a shot of his bare ass. But Caitlin is amazed how calm he is about all this. If she only knew that Joey was having sex with Tessa all Summer long. So now that she slept with him, she’s completely in love with him now and she basically tells him that she wants to stay with him and not go to college with Lucy. As Joey is leaving she tells him how she’s glad that they both waited for their first time. Joey instantly feels like a guilty cheating sack of shit. After he leaves she puts the ring on the other hand now.

caitlin joey sex joey's ass

The next morning Joey is in high spirits because he finally got to do the nasty with Caitlin. Even his hot ass mom is noticing his good mood. She then tells him that Tessa called for him the other night. And what do you know, the phone rings and his mom tells her that Joey’s in, even though it’s obvious that he wants to avoid her now. Right out of the gate Tessa starts with, “Did you have a nice dinner, out with your parents?” And you can tell that she’s pissed off big time. Joey comes up with a bullshit excuse but she doesn’t believe him one bit. Joey then get’s pissed off and tells her, “Listen you little ho, I can go out with whoever I want! We’re not married you know.” As he said that you can tell her little heart got broken. Joey continues to bitch her out about calling his house and accuses her of checking up on him. But she lamely says, “I was going to sing happy birthday into the answering machine. It was supposed to be a surprise.” Joey instantly feels bad again and tries to apologize to her. But she’s had enough. She realizes how fucking stupid she was and she tells him in no certain words that she hates his guts now and she never wants to see him again.

tessa heart broken

At Lucy’s, Bronco and Caitlin are helping her out getting a bunch of crap into a van so that they can go to his cottage for the big party. And damn! Lucy looks good in that little outfit she has on. Caitlin continues to tell her that they finally had sex and that Joey was the perfect sensitive lover. Then she drops the bomb on her and tells Lucy that she’s staying to marry Joey. Lucy get’s all pissed off and tells her that she’s throwing her life away and basically calls Joey a fucking retard. But that’s not the only reason that she’s upset. Since they were going to be roommates Lucy is now completely fucked since the dorms are all full now. Caitlin tries to talk some sense into her, but Lucy’s too busy pouting in the van.

caitlin lucy bronco lucy pouting

Outside of Snake’s house, both Joey and Wheels are waiting on him to come out so they can leave already, but of course his mom is making a big deal about it. While they’re waiting Joey is telling Wheels why Tessa is all pissed off at him and Wheels points out how Joey lied to her. But he reasons since she flipped out, Joey can get rid of her.

Now that they’re on the road Wheels is going on and on about having some freedom and not being with his nag of a grandma anymore. Joey feels bad about everyone leaving, but Snake tells him that he won’t be alone since he has Tessa. Wheels informs him that she dumped his ass and Snake just has to be a shit head about it and is rejoicing in the fact. But it’s short lived because Joey then tells him about banging Caitlin silly the night before. Man Snake is being a judgmental fucking prick in this movie, He tells him, “Into one bed and into another. Real classy Jeremiah.”

wheels station wagon

It’s finally time for the big party and the entire Degrassi cast seems to be there. The Zits arrive and Wheels all happy tells them, “I told you my car would get us here!” Seems like everyone is getting boozed up. Just then Caitlin comes out and tells him all sternly, “Joey! We have to talk. Inside, it’s very serious.” You can tell that Joey’s heart is filled with terror right now. As they go inside Bronco mutters, “Well I figure someone’s going to get lucky.” Wheels finds that to be so fucking funny that he spits up his beer.

degrassi cast bronco wheels

Inside she tries to talk to him but Lucy comes in looking at her with thunderbolts in her eyes and she pulls him inside of an empty room. So as soon as they shut the door, she says, “See which hand it’s on?” After a few seconds Joey finally figures it out and says, “We’re engaged?” She tells him that she’s decided to stay and go to college there. He tells her that he thought she was pissed off at him and she says, “Why Joey, guilty conscience?”

caitlin joey engaged

We cut to Tessa in the health clinic and she’s there for her abortion. And I believe that’s the end of Tessa for the series.

Back at the party everyone is having a good time. Joey and Caitlin come out of the room and Joey announces that Caitlin is now his fiance. Both Snake and Lucy can’t hide their disgust upon hearing this, with Lucy saying, “Mrs Jeremiah.” What assholes. Snake shakes her hand and tells her congratulations. Just then Wheels comes in and you can tell that he’s getting drunk. Joey of course can’t help being obnoxious and starts to make fun of Snake for being a big zero with women. Snake get’s all pissed off and does a real dick move. He says, “You shut up Joey! If you’re not quiet there’s a thing or two that I can say about you that some people would find pretty interesting.” He says this while looking at Caitlin. Wheels comes in and says, “Whoa, whoa.” Joey takes Caitlin outside before Snake can open his big mouth.

Snake Joey

As they leave Wheels tells Snake, “That was stupid, he was just kidding.” Snake starts to bitch about having the worst Summer ever. This brings about some ridicule from Wheels, but he ruins it when he mentions how Snake still has his parents and how he’s going to college. Wheels heads back outside, but before he does that he tells him to grow up and shoves him a little with his knee. Snake get’s really angry and starts to go off on Wheels now. He says, “Oh you’re so mature Wheels. The guys spends his whole Summer drinking beer and playing with his car.” Wheels tells him to watch his fucking mouth about the car and Snake says and this is completely repeated word for word, “I don’t know why you’re so proud of it Wheels. I’d put a bag over my head if I was driving that piece of shit.” The first time I saw this I said to myself, “Did he really just say that?” But oh it goes on. Wheels shoves him and says, “You know you can be a real asshole sometimes. Yeah, you’ve got a really big mouth!” Again I was all, “Oh shit, Wheels just called Snake an asshole!” Before they can start fighting Lucy and Bronco break it up. She tells him, “Why don’t you take me in that great car of yours so we can get some chips.” Fuck what a huge mistake that suggestion was! You’ll see.

wheels snake fightwheels bronco

Outside Wheels is finishing off his drink and Lucy asks him what all that was about. Wheels says, “The guy is an immature idiot, he’s been bitching all Summer.” The language!! Haha. Anyways, they pull out to get some chips and she’s saying how Summer is almost over and that they’re all nervous to move on.

wheels drinking

There seems to be a drunken volleyball game going on and Simon and Alexa start to argue about wedding showers. He’s going on about being sick and tired of being around people he doesn’t know and not really wanting the presents they’re getting. Just as he’s yelling at her Tracy throws the ball and it hits him on the backside of his head. Else where Allison and Amy decide to take a canoe out onto the lake. But the both of them are drunk as shit!

simon alexa

Joey tells Caitlin that he’s going inside for a beer and goddamn it. This is it. This is the scene where the shit completely hits the fan. Ready? Joey see’s Snake sulking in a chair and he tells him that he really did a huge fuckhead move and that he’ll kill him if he does it again. Instead of just leaving it right there Joey continues while laughing with, “When are you just going to take a joke?” Snake being a bitch says, “It’s not a joke to me Joey!” And starts to go off on a rant, basically he’s being a huge hater because Joey got to have sex with two different women while Snake only fucked himself. Joey tells him that he doesn’t have to stand there and listen to this bullshit. But Snake isn’t done yet. Just as Caitlin comes in and this is word for word again. He says, “No you’re going to listen to me. Joey Jeremiah spends his Summer dating Caitlin and fucking Tessa!” And at that exact moment, the entire Degrassi universe comes crashing down.

snake life ruiner

Snake just leaves with out saying a word and Caitlin is completely furious and heartbroken at the same time. Joey tries to bullshit his way out of it but she says, “Tessa Campenelli? You were fucking Tessa Campenelli?” Wow so Snake and Caitlin just said fuck. I couldn’t help but think, “How did they get away with saying that on Canadian TV?” Anyways, Joey of course tries to lie his ass off but she totally doesn’t believe him. Snake meanwhile goes out onto the lake front feeling sorry for himself. Back inside Joey finally admits that he did indeed bang her but it didn’t mean anything. Of course she starts to lose it after realizing that he wasn’t even a virgin when she let him bang her. Joey giving a really pathetic excuse says that since she was always busy, Tessa was there and besides she came on to him. She then asks him how long it was going on and he says for most of the Summer. At that she starts to cry and tells him how she was going to stay there to be with him. She throws the ring at him and says, “You’re such a bastard!” Shit, I could have told her that since Degrassi Junior High.

caitlin pissed caitlin heartbroken

This dramatic rock song comes on and Joey is banging on the door that she locked herself in. Begging to let him explain himself. Outside, sure enough the canoe with Allison and Amy tips over and it seems like Allison can’t swim. Amy starts to yell and she sounds awful! Kind of like Spike with Joan Rivers voice. Snake immediately jumps into the lake followed by Luke and Yick. He finally get’s there and dives underwater in some really nasty looking water. After some suspense he comes back up with Allison and he takes her back to shore. Back inside Joey is crying now, saying how he didn’t mean to hurt her. They finally get to shore and now Snake starts to cry like a little bitch. He probably knows that he fucked up and is now completely overwhelmed with emotion.

allison amy joey crying snake crying

But it’s not over yet! We hear Bronco asking someone where Lucy is at and she should have been back already. We cut to Wheels looking completely fucked up with his glasses broken and blood all over his shirt. Shit we see the jaws of life being used to get someone out and wow! Lucy is even more messed up. She’s getting carried away in a stretcher and we can see a huge fucking hole in the wind shield where you can tell her face went through. The other car is all flipped over and the paramedic is carrying the dead body of some little boy. Oh Wheels, you are so boned here because the other paramedic found the beer bottle in his car. He just tells Wheels that he has to come with him and off he goes to jail.

wheels car crash lucy stretcher dead kid

We see Joey coming into the Degrassi Jail and Wheels comes in to talk on the phone with him behind some glass. Joey being stupid of course doesn’t get why he still has to talk to Wheels on the phone still. Wheels tells him, “This isn’t a funny place Joey, I hate it!” Joey tells him that he doesn’t get why he’s there and Wheels explains how he’s no longer a minor because he’s 19. Then he goes on to say that he’s been charged. He’s all, “Criminal negligence causing death, criminal negligence causing injury times two and drunk driving.” Joey makes a face because he realized how fucked Wheels is now. And of course true to Wheels fashion, he starts to go off on the situation and says, “It wasn’t my fault that kid wasn’t wearing a seat belt! It wasn’t my fault Lucy wanted chips!” What an asshole. So he completely maimed Lucy and killed some poor kid but it wasn’t his fault, even though he was drinking and took her for a spin in his goddamn death mobile. He goes on to mention that Snake isn’t taking his calls. Man Snake in this movie has been a complete self righteous sack of shit. Joey goes on to mention that they aren’t talking either. Wheels Starts to cry and says, “Best friends are supposed to stick together!”

wheels jail

In the hospital Caitlin comes to visit Lucy and Bronco tells her that they don’t know if she’ll ever see or walk again. Now he’s crying and he’s blaming himself saying that he shouldn’t have let her go with him. Caitlin walks into the room and Lucy is all fucked up. By why tape pot pies to her eyes like that? She tells her how she’s now blind and doesn’t want to be. Caitlin starts to cry and tells her how they should be going to college together and gives her a kiss on the forehead.

lucy maimed

We see Joey pulling up to Snake’s house and it seems like he’s getting ready to leave for college. Joey tries to talk to him and of course he acts like a dick. Joey goes on to tell him how Wheels is upset about Snake ignoring him, but Snake points out how his parents were killed by a drunk driver and now he killed a kid. Which is true, but Snake can’t help being a fucking asshole and is just all pissed off at Wheels for killing the kid and basically ruining Lucy’s live. Joey tells him that not talking to him isn’t going to change anything. At that Joey leaves all disgusted at him but just then Snake sort of apologize’s about ruining Joey’s shit. Snake get’s into the car and Joey one last time begs Snake to talk to Wheels and mentions how they’ve been friends since the 8th grade. But Snake doesn’t want to hear it, he tells Joey, “See you Jeremiah.” And his mom drives off, leaving Joey just standing there. What a fucking dick.

snake

So finally it’s Alexa and Simon’s wedding. The entire Degrassi cast seems to be there for the event. But Simon just couldn’t help doing one more jackass thing. He got a fucking perm! In what world would that look good to anyone?! At the reception we hear the same lame theme song that we heard when the movie’s title came on screen. Ok, I understand why Cindy is there, but why is Joann and Tabby there acting like they’re her best friends? Where the fuck is Michelle? Tracy asks Simon if he’s ready to do the nasty with Alexa. You can tell that he’s going to be the power bottom in that relationship too.

Simon alexa wedding
Tim, Simon, Yick Wedding

We start to get some news on what some of the people are up to now since it’s now Fall. Caitlin is asking Heather where Erica is and it seems like she’s in the Dominican Republic banging some guy named Carlos now. Spike and Caitlin start to talk and it turns out that she’s in college now too. We then see Snake talking to this cute nerdy girl and it seems like he finally has a girlfriend.

Snake see’s Joey getting some booze and he tries to make conversation with him. He tells him that his new girlfriend is named Pam. He finally asks about Wheels and Joey mentions that his trial is in November and that Wheels has decided to plead guilty. Joey then asks Snake if he’s ever going to write him and Snake just says, “Maybe.” After that, he introduces Pam to Joey, telling her that Joey is an old friend.

joey snake pam

Joey spies Caitlin, but before he goes to talk to her, he makes plans to play some pool with Snake before he goes back to school. Finally Joey asks Caitlin if he can sit down and she says sure. He asks her how school is going and she just has to mention how much she loves it. Joey goes on to say how some day she’s going to be famous and he’s going to be telling everyone that he used to know her. After Spike leaves, Joey tells her that he’s sorry for hurting her again, but Caitlin tells him that he did her a favor and that she’s glad she went away. They then ask each other if they’re seeing anybody and they both say no. She then asks him if he’s still seeing Tessa but he says that they don’t talk at all due to her hating his fucking guts.

joey caitlin

BLT then introduces Alexa and Simon and they start to dance. Joey goes on to ask Caitlin if she thinks they’re going to make it. She says they just might. Shit, Simon isn’t going anywhere! Alexa has had him pussy whipped since day one! Caitlin then asks Joey if he wants to dance and says, “As old friends?” Joey get’s this big smile and says that he’d like that. As they start to dance he asks her if she thinks that they would have lasted, but she only says, “We’ll never know will we? We can’t go back.” Joey goes on to say, “We’ve had some good times right?” The movie ends with her replying with, “We had some great times.”

alexa simon joey and caitlin last dance

This ballad then comes on and we get scenes from the movie being played in the back ground of the credits. We see that this band named Harem Scarem contributed 8 songs to the soundtrack. This guy named Gowan had a few songs in there too. All those songs combined has possibly made this to be the cheesiest soundtrack known to mankind! Worse than the animated Transformer’s movie.

So yeah, the movie ends on a big down ending. Joey and Caitlin are no more, Lucy is completely maimed. Wheels is going to be in prison for a long time and Snake is still a fucking dick and a life ruining idiot. I still say that Snake should be murdered for what he did.

So that’s it with Degrassi and this blog peeps. Maybe I’ll post a top ten most fucked up moments in Degrassi history. This movie alone had about four of them. Or maybe I’ll do a Zit Remedy retrospective in the future. I’ve been asked if I’m going to review Degrassi: The Next Generation and the answer to that is, fuck no! And besides it’s been done before in a very hilarious manner. You should check out these reviews, here: http://dumbbaby.net/btc.shtml And this guy named AJ has one of the most hilarious Degrassi fan sites ever! http://www.fu-manchu.com/degrassi/

But let me just say that I’ve loved writing these reviews for you all. The feed back that I’ve gotten has been reward enough. Who would have thought that going through a bad break up and just a spur of the moment thought would lead me to write this? So with that goodbye Degrassi!


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School’s Out, Part 1

Ok, so this one is definitely the last review that I’ll be doing on the original series. Because that’s right, this is Degrassi’s swan song, a cheesy made for TV movie. Most people here in the states never saw it until it was released on DVD with the Degrassi High box set. I know that was the first time I ever saw it. Back in 07 I wrote a short blog about this on Myspace. Shit, remember Myspace? Anyways, this review will be split into two parts because this movie is just too epic for just one single entry.

We open with Joey looking into a jewelry display case and of course the ring he wants to look at is way too expensive for the likes of him. All of a sudden we see that there’s a graduation going on, but it’s the original 8th grade class so why the hell is Caitlin there with them? And it’s like Saved by the Bell. It’s the smallest graduating class ever!  I wonder why Joey isn’t at least watching his girlfriend and friends graduate? We cut yet again from Joey being cheap to Wheels looking smelly and greasy as hell, and he just bought a shitty looking station wagon. I gotta say, glad he finally got rid of that horrible mullet. Now he’s upgraded to Bon Jovi hair. Joey finally get’s his ring, a piece of crap that’s 65 bucks. Turns out that Lucy is class valedictorian. She gives out the typical cliched speech about moving into the real world and Bronco has this huge video recorder taping everything.

Joey ring lucy wheels car

As she finishes her speech we see that they’re at a party and this really cheesy rock song comes on and it says School’s Out! in this really ridiculous looking font. Wow, looks like Joey has gotten himself a classic Firebird. He pulls up with Caitlin and they can’t believe that the graduation party is still going on even though it’s midnight. What a couple of lameo’s with that statement. So right out the gate Joey tells Caitlin and the audience that she took a bunch of extra course’s so that she could graduate a year early. Why? It beats the shit out of me. But then again, when did Degrassi ever make sense?

schools out

They walk into the party and I’m assuming it’s Bronco’s house. Everyone seems to be there, including the twins, Tracy Morgan, Fat Nancy and the rest of the Degrassi gang. Tracy starts to make fun of Joey for being a dumbass and still being at school. Bronco seems to be interviewing people and starts to harass Joey until he goes outside. Ok, I’ve always thought that Alexa has looked a little dumpy, but she looks banging in the dress she has on. She and Simon are going up to everyone and annoying people showing them their engagement ring. I love how Caitlin is acting like she’s always known these people. As far as I’m concerned she and Alexa have never talked once. Alexa tells everyone that the wedding is going to be in October. Of course Lucy just has to put her two cents in and tells Caitlin what a huge fucking mistake they’re doing and even mentions the fact that they’ve never boned before.

alexa simon lucy caitlin

In the back yard Allison and Amy are smoking weed with Yick, Luke and the other burn outs. Amy I gotta say is looking smoking hot! Tessa meanwhile is just sitting there looking all bored and she starts to bitch out this guy who was always in the background in the series about getting fucked up on the weed. He tells her to lighten up and she tells him that he ruined everything. Going by this exchange, I guess she and Yick didn’t last long.

luke amy allison

In some smokey looking recreational room Wheels and Snake are playing a game of pool and Joey finally finds them. Wheels shows him a picture of the wagon and tells him that he paid 200 dollars for it. For once I agree with Snake because he said he was robbed. Wheels asks Joey if he can tow his car cause it doesn’t even run. Snake uses that for the perfect opportunity to tell the dudes that he starts his new job as a lifeguard the next day. But he only wants the job so he can meet someone to have sex with. He tells the guys that he doesn’t want to go to college a virgin. Joey saying, “Sure you are.” Snake then says, “From a guy who will never get into Caitlin’s pants.” He’s right about that. She seems like the type that would only bang you if you read stuff like War and Peace or The Fall of the Roman Empire. Wheels tells them, “My two virgin buddies. Who will be the first to get laid? Let the games begin.” But who did he have sex with? I call bullshit. Joey all of a sudden says that it’s time and excuses himself.

snake wheels

Joey comes upon Caitlin and Fat Nancy. He rescue’s her from Fat Nancy bragging about doing God knows what. Joey take’s Caitlin into an empty bed room and he’s all, “Do you know what time it is?” Then acting like a girl he tells her how three years ago that day they went out on their first date. He then busts out the ring in this heart shaped box and tells her it’s a graduation present. She says thank you and gives him a kiss, but Joey isn’t done yet. He suddenly tells her that it’s kind of an engagement ring as well. Right away you can tell that she doesn’t want to marry Joey’s dumbass. He starts to ramble about her not going away to college and staying there in a shitty married life with him. Of course she tells him that she’s way too young and wants to explore the world. Then she says, “I’m just not ready for a commitment.” Joey get’s all heartbroken and tells her to keep the ring still cause it’s a graduation present and he tells her to give him a minute because he wants to gently weep into the pillow once she’s out of the room.

Fat Nancy joey caitlin

Snake meanwhile is wondering where “The little midget is at.” Wheels incorrectly thinking that he’s boning Caitlin. Joey finally comes out of the room all pissed off and he get’s ambushed by Simon and Alexa and their engagement ring. After Bronco tries to interview him again Joey shoves his camera out of the way and storms out of the house. As soon as she see’s him Tessa asks him if he’s going home and she then asks him if he can give her a lift. Both of them are all pissed off about their boyfriends/girlfriends.

joey tessa pissed

As they pull up to Tessa’s house she asks him if he’s going to work at a drug store during the Summer and he says yes. She mentions that she’s working at a photomat next door to him. She thanks him for the ride home and all of a sudden they start making out. You can tell that Joey got a rock hard boner from that. Especially since he was staring at her hot little ass in that miniskirt as she went up her walk way.

tessa joey kissing

Seems likes it’s finally the next day and Lucy is swimming in a pool full of garbage. Lucy comes up and she’s all, “I can’t believe he asked you to marry him.” Caitlin being stupid says, “I think I hurt his feelings.” You fucking devastated him you idiot. Anyways, Caitlin tells her all about maybe staying there to be with Joey. But right away Lucy get’s on her ass about going to some school named Carlton and that they’re going to be roommates. But once again, since when have Caitlin and Lucy been the best of friends? Where the fuck is Maya at? Long story short, Lucy convinces her to still go to college, but mostly for her own selfish reasons.

caitlin bronco lucy

At the drug store Joey is pricing a box of condoms. A product that he probably will never get to use with Caitlin. Tessa meanwhile comes dressed looking fine as hell in her tight ass dress that she has on. You can tell she’s there to seduce him. She thanks him for the ride and then she goes ahead and totally asks him out. It’s hilarious. It’s like she’s the guy and Joey is the girl. She even tells him that she doesn’t want to force him to do anything. Joey it seems like he wants to tell her that he’s with Caitlin but then you see the wheels going on in his head and he says, “Sure why not?” Then he asks her for a movie date. Oh lord, as soon as she leaves Caitlin comes around looking hot in a German looking uniform for a restaurant. She tells him sorry for not wanting to marry him but that she’s very confused and wants to keep seeing him. She then tries to give the ring back, but Joey insists that she keeps it. She says ok and tells him that she’ll wear it on her right hand. They then make out and everything is back to normal. At least to her that is.

tessa caitlin joey

Oh my God! We cut to Snake in a locker room and he looks at himself in the mirror and says, “Look out ladies, here I come.” But there’s one problem here. He has sunscreen all over his nose and he’s wearing the stupidest lamest hat ever! Way to make yourself look like a dip shit Archie! He heads outside and of course there are a whole bunch of pieces of ass out there. But leave it to Snake to completely humiliate himself three seconds after coming outside. He tells the girls hey and then falls into the pool. Of course the girls laugh at his ass.

snake pool

Wheels is asking Joey want he thinks of his station wagon. Joey doesn’t have the heart to tell him that he got ripped off big time, so he just says that it has character. Wheels tells him that it doesn’t look like much now, but he’s going to take it to Thunder Road once it’s fixed up. Nah, he just say’s that this car is his freedom and future. Oh we get some more back story. Seems like he’s going to Calgary to live with some chick named Karen. Whoever that is. Joey then tells Wheels all about his date with Tessa. Joey is all defensive about it, but Wheels doesn’t give a shit. He just says, “Your life man.” But what a bad omen, he ties a rope to the bumper and as soon as Joey pulls away the fucking thing comes apart.

wheels car station wagon

Ok, this has to be the same restaurant that Liz’s mom was working at, because Caitlin definitely has the same uniform. Anyways, she’s a terrible waitress because she’s fucking up everyone’s orders. We then go to Joey’s date with Tessa and he can’t help annihilating the last slice of pizza. They then start laughing about what sounds is the most stupidest movie ever. She then tells him that she doesn’t have to be home for another hour and a half and asks Joey what he wants to do next. We immediately cut to Joey’s car and you can tell that he’s totally going to fuck her brain’s out. And holy shit. He’s undoing her top and just squeezing her tits while they’re making out.

joey feeling up tessa

We then see her rushing to her job and oh great! Spike is working there. Ok, what is up with her eyebrow’s and voice? She sounds like she’s a smoker now and she definitely needs to tweez that shit. She get’s off the phone and complains to Tessa about Emma having a tantrum at day care and says all annoyed, “Why couldn’t they handle it?” Uh I can tell you Spike, because you’re the fucking mother, that’s why! But Tessa just ignores her and starts to tell her all about going out with Joey and him going in head first into second base with her. Spike tells her to be careful because he and Caitlin have been on and off for years now. But Tessa is delusional and figures that he’s her’s now. Alexa and Simon then walk in and of course they’re talking about their engagement.

spike

Wheels it appears still has his job at the gas station and Joey is telling him all about getting to third base with Tessa. He was sure that he was going to get to pork her but he says that he stopped himself cause he’s still with Caitlin. Back to Snake and his misadventure’s. These two little girls start following him around because they think he’s cute.

It seems like Joey and Caitlin are coming back from a date and she’s boring everyone with her plans for the future. Again Joey wants her to take at least a year off so that he can graduate and be with her and she tells him what the point was of her taking the extra classes for graduating early. Joey’s all, “Oh that’s right, I’m stupid.” They start to kiss and Joey is a fucking walking hard on in this movie. He starting to rub his hands inside of her thighs, slowing moving up for a good finger bang. But Caitlin is a fucking prude and stops him. You can tell that he has the worst blue balls ever with her. She then gives him the lame excuse of her not being ready for sex. They try to set up another date, but it seems like they’re hardly going to see each other that Summer because of their different work schedule’s.

caitlin thighs Joey blue balls

It’s funny that for the first time ever we’re getting all these exterior shots of their respective houses. Joey walks in and his hot milf of a mom is having a cup of tea or whatever. She answers the phone and it’s Tessa calling him up. Joey get’s all excited and tells her that he’ll take the call in his room. She’s sitting in bed in the nude. No she isn’t, but once again she asks him out and Joey being horny totally wants to see her again. She invites him to her house and is even offering him dinner. This really lame song then comes on, with the lyrics, “Temptation!!”

joeys hot mom tessa temptation

Joey comes dressed like a fucking nerd and Tessa of course looks hot as hell again. Meanwhile Caitlin is busy once again fucking up people’s order’s at the German themed restaurant. Back to Joey and Tessa, She drops all of her spaghetti and burned the goddamn garlic bread. The fire alarm then goes off and Joey being a short little pipsqueak can’t even reach the thing so he has to use a broom to shut it off. After they have a little food fight they start to make out like crazy and this time she’s all in her bra on top of him and she says, “Wait.” Joey get’s all pissed off again, because he thinks that she’s going to stop everything, but she just simply asks him if he has a condom. So Joey is finally going to get to do the nasty and not with himself this time. He busts one out of his wallet and he undo’s her bra. All the while this song called Moonlight Desires is playing. So cheesy!!

sex tessa joey

Back to Snake’s subplot at the pool. This really hot chick asks him if he gives swimming lessons and he bullshit’s her by saying that he teaches swimming himself. This little kid comes along and she tells him that he’s going to teach him how to swim for the whole Summer. He instantly get’s this look of disappointment on his face. I love how he thinks that by being a life guard that he’s just going to be swimming in the pussy for the Summer. Boy is he wrong.

snake horny snake disappointed

In the garage Snake is bitching to Wheels all about not being able to find a woman to put his penis in because they’re all either married or have boyfriends. He asks Wheels if he’ll ever have sex and Wheel’s says, “Sure when you’re older, 95 maybe.” Joey walks in and Snake says, “And here we go ladies and gentlemen, virgin number two!” But Joey tells them that he had sex. Snake can’t believe it and asks if it was he and Caitlin and Wheels figures out that it was Tessa. Wheels congratulate’s him and of course Snake just has to be a fucking hater and acts all judgmental with him. Joey reasons that Caitlin can take her sweet time if she wants to, in the meanwhile he’s going to be fucking his brains out with Tessa.

joey bragging

In the photomat Tessa is telling Spike all about having sex with Joey and hoping that he doesn’t think that she’s a big fucking slut. But Spike being Spike says, “Excuse me, if you’re easy, he’s easy.” Yup, pretty much what I’d expect from her. Tessa being stupid reasons that since they’ll both be going to high school together next year, she’s going back as his girlfriend.

We then get a montage with another shitty Canadian song playing in the back ground. Basically it’s all about Joey cheating on Caitlin with Tessa and vice versa. With a little of Joey banging Tessa every chance he can get. I don’t know how he isn’t getting caught because everyone knows everyone’s business there. Oh and we get some more bullshit of Snake striking out with women all over the place. Plus it seems like Wheels is starting to develop a drinking problem. We see Caitlin and Lucy hanging out in the pool and Caitlin randomly just asks her if she likes sex. Lucy asks her what that was all about and she tells her that she thinks that she’s ready to finally pork Joey. And got damn! She looks good in a bathing suit. Finally Lucy is teaching Caitlin how to put a condom on Joey’s dick using a banana for a stand in.

tessa joey sexjoey caitlin beachlucy condom

After all that Joey is telling Snake and Wheels what a great Summer he’s had with both Caitlin and Tessa. Snake meanwhile is all miserable because it’s now the middle of August and he still hasn’t banged a single woman yet. Joey of course can’t help rubbing it in that he fucked Tessa again the other night. After seeing that Snake is all pissed off Wheels offers him a beer. But Snake is being a dick tells him that it’s his third beer. I hate people like Snake that keeps tabs on everything. Wheels just tells him, “So? I replace what I drink.” After it seems like they’re going to get into a fight Joey changes the subject and tells Snake how he’s getting into Tessa’s pants at least once a week. Snake acting all high and mighty tells Joey that he should break up with one of them and Joey reasons since they don’t know about each other, no one’s going to get hurt. Finally after weeks of failure, Wheels turns on the engine for his turd of a car. He’s so excited that he wants to go driving around in it, but they convince him that once around the block is enough, especially since he’s been drinking.

wheels beer zits garage

Back in the photomat Tessa tells Spike that she’s feeling like complete shit and Spike tells her to go home. Just before she leaves, Alexa and Simon come back in. Alexa more bubbly then ever! As they’re coming back to the garage Joey is telling the dudes that he can’t believe what a great week he’s having. Especially the part about Caitlin taking him out for his birthday. But Snake is still being a fucking bitch and starts giving Joey shit about cheating on her. Wheels says that if he can get the car certified he wants to drive up to Bronco’s party, where ever that is. Snake for once not being a puss agrees to go along.

tessa sick alexa simon annoying

Uh oh. It seems like the inevitable has happened and Tessa has gone to a Women’s Health Clinic and she tells the receptionist that she wants to see someone because she thinks that she’s pregnant. We then see her telling someone that she doesn’t know how she got pregnant since they always used a condom when they screwed. But the lady tells her that they’re not perfect and that accident’s happen. She confirms that she’s pregnant with Joey’s grease ball child. But Tessa tells her that she wants to have an abortion. The lady tells her that she has an appointment but that she should still think it over and talk to someone about it.

tessa pregnant

And that’s where we’re going to end this one. It’s been pretty good so far. Who would have thought that they would have showed Joey feeling up Tessa’s tits like that. On TV no less. But it doesn’t end here. The next part is where the shit really hits the fan and the Degrassi Universe will never be the same again!


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Degrassi Talks: On Depression

This is it, the final segment of Degrassi Talks and you know what? Thank God for that. These episodes or whatever you wanna call them were so fucking depressing. And going by the title I’m going to have severe depression half way into this one.

degrassi talks on depression

Pre-credit opener: This guy who has his pony tail like Claude is talking about how this age and time, (1992) kids have it the worst to be growing up in. But shit, he would bust a nut if he could see how much crueler it is with the internet. Uh oh and suicide of course comes up. It’s funny how cheerful the theme song is and seeing the Degrassi crew running around like maniacs shoving a microphone into people’s faces.

opening

So the host for this last one is Pat Mastroianni better known to the world at large as Joey Jeremiah. He’s going on about how different things can depress people. Even the environment. Really? I’ve never been depressed over the environment I’m in. Unless he’s talking about a shitty home life, than in that case, that’s a whole different kind of environment. He then goes on to list all the different symptoms of Depression. I would list them all, but I’m feeling really fucking lazy at the moment.

Degrassi talks host Pat Mastroianni degrassi talks on depression

This being Degrassi Talks it seems like they’re at a pier or some shit like that and they’re asking random kids what brings them down. This girl with a mushroom head tells one of the twins that the weather get’s her down. A few people mention the pain of losing a boy/girlfriend.

mushroom head

At that we get our first clip and it’s the episode from Degrassi High when Caitlin the ho dumped Joey for that asshole Claude. This girl goes on this stupid tirade about how people not caring about the environment get’s her down. If only she knew how polluted China is now, she would have a heart attack. Joey talks to this Indian looking guy named Dean and he’s going on about how the forest that he lived in has gone down hill and bears disappeared because of oil drilling. Really? The environment is going to be thrown into the episode on Depression? It doesn’t seem to fit, but goddamn it, Degrassi is going green!

dean 21

Caitlin then asks this really huge dweeb of a girl what makes her depressed and unsurprisingly, she says that rejection and failure’s. Next this twink of a kid starts talking about the in and out crowds and we can all guess which crowd he belongs to.

dweebette

Holy shit, one of the twins is talking to this guy named Leith and he mentions how not only is he Chinese, but he’s also gay. That’s pretty fucking diverse, but too bad he was living in the world of 1992, when people weren’t more accepting of the gays. Anyways, he had a pretty shitty life because he was also a brainiac.

leith 23

This girl named Linda talks about how she used to buy a lot of fashion magazines and be intimidated by all the good looking, skinny models. No need to be fucking Einstein to figure this one out, she’s an anorexic and has really low self esteem. How much do you wanna bet that a clip of Kathleen going through that exact same thing is going to be shown at any moment? Anyways, Spike comes in looking like Garth still and she’s interviewing Linda about her life’s story. She mentions that she thought that she was a giant bore and that no one would like her. Poor thing, she’s obviously good looking, it’s a shame that she has such low self esteem about herself, but you would be surprised how many hot chicks are actually very insecure.

spike algar

This other girl, I didn’t catch her name cause I wasn’t paying attention says that Depression can also come about from parents being fucking assholes and putting their children down and making them feel like complete shit. And hey, that was the same girl that had the baby with that one guy who was all proud of himself for actually sticking around. Turns out that she has postpartum depression like a motherfucker.

carole 17

Joey comes back on camera and tells everyone how there’s a huge difference between being depressed for a few days and being depressed for a long period of time. We go back to Spike and it turns out that anorexic girl has been in the hospital a few times for it. I’m sorry, but the way people talk about the towns that they live in, it sounds like Canada is just full of little red neck mountain towns. No wonder a lot of Canadian teens are into drugs, booze and rock and roll.

linda

The girl who just had the baby tells the camera that when she get’s down she does anything for attention. Including beating the shit out of her baby daddy Don. It sounds like she’s just a major pain in the ass. She’s lucky that guy stuck around. But I have a feeling they didn’t last long.

So the subject of suicide has finally reared it’s ugly head. And a lot of kids are talking about how they wish that if people are feeling that way that that person reach out and talk to them. We then cut to Snake talking to this guy who’s brother committed suicide. Snake asks if him he knew how depressed the guy was, but his brother says that he sounded really upbeat, so he had no idea what he was up to.

snake no tact

Our second clip is the scene from Degrassi High where Claude is giving Caitlin her rose before he went into the boys shitter and blew his fucking head off. We then get a Canadian fun fact that comes up while the scene is still going.

claude suicide fact

Wow, so it’s still going and the next scene is where Snake found Claude’s body completely transformed into the Headless Horseman. Oh no, Snake don’t do it! But yup he’s doing it. He’s trying to relate to the guy who’s brother killed himself by telling him what his character went through when he found Claude. And right off that bat he asks him if he felt any guilt about his brother’s death. Snake you asshole, talk about having no tact! But the guy mentions that he had an incredible amount of guilt about it. Goddamn Snake, he next asks him, “Did you love your brother?” If I were that guy I would have said, “Of course I did you fucking asshole, what do you think?!”

snake

Holy shit, so that girl Carol who just had the baby is talking about having depression for most of her life and all of a sudden we get a freeze frame and Joey tells us that she actually committed suicide on May 15th, 1991. To get us more down, they show us a marriage license and of course her boyfriend Don is telling us how they were planning on getting married.

carole suicidemarriage licence

Joey comes back on camera and he tells us how angry and sad he felt when he was talking to Don. Well shit Joey, how do you think that poor bastard felt? He goes on to say that if you’re feeling really fucking down you should talk to someone, because there is always someone that will listen to you.

joey pissed

We come back to the gay Chinese guy and he’s telling us how there were actually some people that were cool with everything that makes him, him. Joey then asks this girl if she ever get’s depressed and holy shit. She’s so fucking perky it seems like she shits rainbows. And yeah, of course she says she never get’s depressed.

perky chick

The depressed anorexic girl tells Spike that they only had one family meeting, I think she said and she said it helped her immensely because things came out in the open. The Indian guy says that he discovered spirituality and learned to ask to get some help. And that’s where this episode ends. Hopefully these people are still around today. But you never know.

linda depressed
degrassi talks crew

Well there you have it. Degrassi Talks. Shit, I was wrong about them showing Kathleen’s clip. I’m genuinely surprised. But I’m so glad that I’m finished reviewing these because they are so fucking hard to write about. But coming up next is the School’s Out movie. So much happens in it, the Degrassi universe will never be the same again.


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Degrassi Talks: On Alcohol

So in this episode if you couldn’t guess already, we deal with Alcohol.

degrassi talks on alcohol

Pre-credit opener: Right off the bat we see this girl that looks like Marcie from Peanuts talking about the fact that teenager’s can become alcoholics too. This one indian looking dude starts talking about all the joy’s of drinking.

marcie

So of course Neil Hope aka Wheels is the host of this episode of Degrassi Talks. He mentions how Wheels and him have both been affected by alcohol. Wheels losing his nerdy parents to a lousy drunk driver and he lost his own father to a disease related to alcohol.

degrassi talks host neil hope

And going by how every episode of these have gone, they go around the country asking random people what their thoughts on the subject is. Yick asks someone, “Do you drink?” And what the fuck was he thinking?! It’s this nerdy girl who obviously is way too young for that shit. She says, “No, I’m only 11.” What was he on when he asked that question? Others say they do it for fun and other lameo’s say they don’t drink at all because “It’s bad!” Their words.

Degrassi Talks on Alcohol11 year old nerd

We get our first clip and it’s the Degrassi Junior High episode where Stephanie Kaye got drunk off her ass and made a fool of herself. Basically the point of the scene was to show that peer pressure is a motherfucker and that’s mainly the reason why people drink to begin with.

Wow the girl who looks like Marcie is actually named Teresa and she’s 17, but she totally looks 12. Anyways, Wheels says that she’s already an alcoholic. And what do you know, she goes on to say that she started drinking when she was 12 and she did it because it made her feel invincible.

kathleen teresa

The next question is why do people like to drink and basically this one girl says that it’s done mainly due to boredom because they live in a town called Whitehorse and there’s absolutely nothing else better to do. This cute looking chick named Rose explains that since they live all the way in the Yukon, alcohol is the only thing that the place has going for it and that everyone there practically drinks.

rose

Joey then brings up the subject if having parents who drink make kids want to drink too. And the answer to that is, of course they do. Marcie’s clone Teresa says that her mom was a raging alcoholic and she picked up the habit when her dad left them. We get our next Degrassi Junior High clip and it’s the scene where Kathleen told her drunk ass mom about being on the stupid Quest For The Best team. Kathleen then starts to relate to Marcie about her character’s problems. Marcie goes on to say that she would get drunk off her ass before school started. But if she drank rum before 10 in the morning it would make her a pirate though.

scene from Degrassi Junior High

Wheels is hanging out with that Indian looking dude and he tells him all about how his mom is an alcoholic and his dad died from cirrhosis of the Liver due to drinking. Damn, even in reality Wheels has a rough life. The guy’s name is Nathan and he says that his parents are separated but he says that his mom lives in the next house over, so fuck! I don’t see the point of her leaving then. But I guess she had no where else to go, cause the place looks like a complete shit hole.

wheels and nathan nathan 18

Random kids start talking about the fact that a lot of their parents are drinkers themselves but they tell them not to be drinking. Maybe they have a point since you know, they’re underage. But what do I know? We cut back to Nathan and Wheels asks him how much he drank and he mumbles his answer. But thank God Wheel says, “You drank 4 days a week?” Or something like that. He mentions how he would start drinking as soon as he would wake up.

degrassi talks interviews

The next Degrassi clip is Stephanie puking her guts out. And that leads to people talking about all the side effects of people drinking. How could they not list the different kind of drunks there are? There are quiet drunks, happy drunks, annoying and mean drunks. Anyways we go back to Marcie and she mentions how she had to go to rehab and talks about having a physical done and she was completely fucked up physically due to being drunk off her ass all the time.

Nathan comes back on and mumbles something about someone falling down and they were completely messed up from it. Mercifully we cut to Spike and she’s talking to these heavy metal dudes and she asks them if alcohol kills. One of them says, “You can never drink too much.”

spike metal dudes

A newspaper with the picture of some kid comes on screen and Wheels mentions how he went drinking with some adults and he got so fucking drunk that he died at the age of 15 due to alcohol poisoning. The asshole metal guy says that alcohol can kill because if you drop your drink while you’re driving then you take your eyes off the road. I’m sure swerving all over the fucking place has nothing to do with it.

dead drunk kid

Man, this one is full of clips. We get the scene were Clutch wanted to drink and drive but luckly his big foreheaded nerd of a friend Paul takes his keys and insists on driving to Lucy’s. And yeah, predictably this leads to the question of whether the people being ambushed by the Degrassi Talks crew have ever tried to drink and drive before. This moron mentions how one of his friends got drunk and crashed and he says, “It was really cool.”

cool moron

Ok, these are really hard to write and they are such bummers to write about. So fuck it, I’m just going to just summarize the rest of this episode. This girl mentions how they went out to get some KFC and some drunk hit their car and her mom died and she ended up in a wheel chair. Tragic I know. Turns out she has a twin and she had a lot of anger towards her at first because her twin sister could walk and she couldn’t.

missy 20

The scene goes to this guy named Micheal and Wheels is asking him how the party he went to was. I don’t know why he wants to know this info for. But ok. The guy says that they wanted to impress these two losers older guys. I would have asked them why they were hanging out with a bunch of teenagers for. He goes on to say that they tried to leave and immediately crashed the car and he basically killed the passengers in the car with him. Ok, how is this guy not in prison for doing all that?

murderer

Wheels comes back on camera and he basically gives a bunch of Canadian teenager alcohol facts. We get the rest of the clip from when Clutch wanted to drive to Lucy’s. Marcie comes back on and she tells Kathleen how fucking hard it is to stay clean.

Nathan once again comes on mumbling again and I have no goddamn clue what he’s saying. Wish this thing came with some close captioning so I could understand. That girl Rose comes back on and she starts talking about an alcohol youth group that is in town for all the drunk teenagers they have there. So that right there tells us that it’s a huge fucking problem in her little neck of the woods.

wheels nathan 2rose youth group

At the end of this the twins start talking about how they started a group that’s basically students against drunk driving. The murdering guy comes back on after them and he’s telling Wheels how he wishes that he could take it all back. But shit, too little too late now. Oh! We hear this thud and it says that he was convicted and sentenced to pound me in the ass prison.

michael convicted

Wheels comes back on and talks about how alcohol has totally affected his life. It’s sad to think that that’s what took him out years later too. The twins come back with their final thoughts, kind of like Jerry Springer and they say that they know that teens are going to drink, but to just do it responsibly. Again, they’re talking to teens. They don’t know the meaning of the word.

wheels

Oh lord, so glad that I only have one more of these to review. They are such fucking downers, I can’t take it!! But at least Rose was a bit good looking, so that helped. Yup, I’m shallow like that.