Edit: Check out my new blog Degrassi The Next Generation Reviewed.
Ok, since people enjoyed the first episode of the Next Generation. How about another one? But this time it’s Wheel’s triumphant return to Degrassi. Although it’s brief as hell. This is another one that’s named after a song, this time the classic tune by The Clash.
Pre-credit opener: Oh lord, we see Craig and Ashley making out on her bed. Craig trying his hardest to unbuckle her belt. But she hasn’t shaved that week, so she doesn’t want him to. No the real reason is, she simply doesn’t want to. Or isn’t ready for it. So Craig get’s the biggest blue balls since Joey. And right away I’m thinking, “Recycled story line!” Because this is basically Joey and Caitlin’s story line about Joey wanting to bone her real hard but Caitlin is being a prude. But this time Craig is the horndog and Ashley is the prude. Going on, she tells him, “I love you.” Craig of course acts all weird about it, because he just wants to get some. Might I add, why did girls think this guy was hot? He looks like Arnold Horshack from Welcome Back Kotter.
Back at Degrassi Community School. God I hate that name. Craig is talking to resident gay kid, Marco. They run into Spinner and Paige and they’re so disgusting with how affectionate they are. Looking at Spinner I’m reminded of the time when guy’s were getting the Frodo Baggins/Bobby Brady hair cut for some insane reason. After Paige leaves, Craig tries to ask Spinner advice on what he does when Paige rebuke’s him sexually too. But Spinner is such an idiot, he just says, “Dude, I don’t know what to do.” Marco correctly says that all Spinner does is jerk off in his room because he ain’t getting none from Paige either. Spinner replies with, “Like you know anything about getting to home plate. You’re too busy checking out the bat boy.” The machismo is strong in Spinner.
Ok, from what I’m seeing Snake has cancer. Leukemia if I’m not mistaken. Spike is dropping him off and she’s telling him that he should just stay home since he’s feeling like complete shit. But he says that it’s too late because they can’t get a sub. She tries to be understanding about it. But Snake can’t help being a dick due to the chemo. Or is that his natural self? I can’t tell anymore.
In the hallway. Marco asks Craig if he loves Ashley, but Craig can’t even explain himself to Marco. Manny, the slut of the school comes by and says hi to Craig all seductive like. I gotta say, for some reason I never mentioned this in Degrassi Junior High. But it seems like the school has no dress code. Stephanie Kaye was dressed like the biggest skank in the history of ever and here comes Manny wearing booty shorts which leave nothing to the imagination. And not once are they told that they can’t dress like that on school grounds. Anyways rant done. Even Marco can sense that she want’s Craig’s dick. Marco then get’s the bright idea of Craig sending Ashley a Rose-a-gram, so that she can really see how he feels about her. Being a big kiss ass, he makes it a dozen.
In class Spinner some how suckered Ashley into having a birthday party for Paige at her house. Archie comes into class and is being an asshole with everyone in his class, telling everyone to shut the hell up. Everyone starts to get their roses and Ashley receive’s her bouquet. She’s delighted at first, but then we see that Craig once again fucked up. He wrote down, “Ash, you rock. XO Craig.” Which is something you say to someone if you want to banish them into the friend zone. What an idiot.
Oh my God! Manny has the world’s ugliest boyfriend, some guy named Sully. This motherfucker looks like a zit faced Hailey Joel Osment. Seriously, in what world is this guy supposed to be popular, let alone attractive to women? Anyways, he acts like a dick towards her and he blows her off by saying that he won’t be going to Paige’s party. He’d rather hang out with some Bob character. This guy has no right to be that confidant. He leaves her all disappointed, but not before he slaps her ass.
Back at Ashley’s, she’s busying making Paige a cake. Man, she sure is going out of her way for her. Especially since Paige treats everyone like complete shit. Craig walks in and she tells him that they need to talk. Which is never a good thing. Basically she wants to take a break from him because she feels that he doesn’t feel the same way. But how could anyone like a sour puss like her? See how annoying the Next Generation kids are to me?
Uh oh. We see Craig’s band consisting of Spinner, Marco and Jimmy. But he’s better known to the world at large as Drake. I wonder if he still talks to his Degrassi peeps? Give Spinner a bone Drake! Anyways, their band sucks. But they’re still way better than the Zit Remedy ever was. After Jimmy berates Spinner for being off beat, Spinner throws his drumstick, which just happens to connect with Craig’s Jewfro. After telling them that they fucking suck, Jimmy suggests that they go have a burger so Craig can wallow in self pity with Marco. So they’re off to Big Kahuna Burger. Marco suggests that he just tell her how he feels. Craig telling him that he is a girl. Man Marco is getting fruity jokes at his expense all episode long.
So what does Craig do? He leaves a note for Ashley and she meets him in the gym. And he goes on to sing the world’s cheesiest, emo love song ever. Ashley and Manny, who’s gawking at them get weak at the knees. Manny saying, “I wanna have your babies!” But of course this lame gesture totally suckered Ashley in again. You can tell by that, “Oh God I love him!” smile on her face.
Back at Ashley’s, they’re busy decorating for Paige’s party. I would definitely make Spinner’s ass help out at least. Put him on garbage detail or something. Moving on, Ashley was so touched by Craig’s stupid song that she totally wants to bang him now, so she invites him to stay over. He probably got instantly rock hard when he heard that.
At Spike and Snake’s house. Spike tries to cheer Snake up by making him some nacho’s. But Snake wants to fucking throw up from the smell alone. He tells her, “Are you insane Christine? Nacho’s? You know I’m nauseous.” Just then Joey comes in, being more obnoxious than usual. He tells Snake that they’re going bowling, but Snake can’t help being a fucking prick. At that Spike can’t take it anymore and she goes off on his ass. She’s all, “Put the shirt on Archie. You’re not dead yet. Put the damn shirt on and go.” Nice to see that Spike hasn’t changed one bit in being a bossy bitch. It’s funny to see that Emma seems like she wants to laugh her ass off.
We go to the bowling alley where they seem to be playing the Canadian version of bowling. Snake finally seems to be perking up. Until we hear a familiar voice. It’s the most Canadian of all voices. That’s right it’s Wheels and goddamn. He’s as bald as the both of them. Snake get’s instantly annoyed, and uncomfortable and just says, “Joey.” Joey gives Wheels his bowling shirt that says, Pin Pals on it and leaves the two of them alone.
Finally it’s Paige’s big surprise party and stupid Craig does the huge mistake of telling Spinner all about fucking Ashley the moment everyone leaves the party. She notices Spinner giving Craig a Top Gun wind mill high five, but thinks nothing of it. Manny meanwhile is just sitting there completely bored. I have no idea what she’s even doing there.
We cut back to the Zit’s bowling some more. Wheels tells Snake that he heard that he was sick, but that he doesn’t look it. Snake acts all sarcastic towards him. Because he just can’t resist being a jerk to him. Wheels goes on to ask Snake how he’s doing. Snake admits that he wishes that he was dead. Wheels tells him that he knows how that feels. Snake retorts with, “No you don’t, I’m sorry, but there’s no way you do.” Wheels bringing up the past tells him, “Snake, I was drunk, I drove. I killed a kid. I think I know what wanting to die feels like.” Which is pretty sad if you think about what really happened to Neal Hope. Snake asks him what he did to cope. And Wheels tells him that he found something inside him that wanting to keep going. Snake close to tears admits that he’s really scared, so scared that he can’t even tell Spike about it. Wheels simply tells him that he has to keep fighting. Just then Joey comes along with their drinks and they do a toast to old friends. So finally after about what, 13, 14 years? Snake seems to have forgiven Wheels and stopped being such a judgmental asshole.
Back at the party, Spinner completely fucks things up for Craig by blowing up a balloon to epic dick size. Ashley instantly looks at Craig, pissed off. Craig doesn’t help the situation by looking guilty as hell mouthing, “Spin.” She takes him outside to rip him a new asshole and she accuses him of conning her into sleeping with him with his stupid lie of a song. She then says the whammy that he doesn’t even love her. Craig of course get’s all pissed off and storms out of the house. Manny that Devilish little Succubus see’s her chance and follows him out. She goes for the kill by mentioning how great the song was and how she would have sucked him off right then and there if she was Ashley.
At Spike’s house. She and Emma look out the window as the Zits are heard pulling up in Joey’s car, singing their number one hit with a bullet, Everybody Wants Something. Both seem to be delighted that Snake finally got that huge stick out of his ass.
Uh oh, We go to Joey’s garage and Manny asks Craig to sing his stupid song again. He starts off a bit, but her sexual powers are so great that there’s no way that Craig can resist. So of course they start to make out and Craig goes for it, unbuttoning her shirt. Possibly her very tight pants too.
The next day at Degrassi, Manny is telling Emma all about how that was the best day of her life. Emma wants to know all the horny details, but Manny tells her that she can’t for some reason. Craig comes by and he’s basically treating Manny how Wheels treated Heather after he finger banged her outside of her porch in that one episode. She starts to tell Craig that she missed him over the weekend, (Which instantly makes her sound clingy as hell.) but they’re interrupted by a repentive Ashley. She tells him that she talked with Paige and she admits that she completely over reacted. Craig is now guilt ridden like a motherfucker, but she won’t let him talk. She goes on to say that she wants him back and that she loves him. Craig making direct eye contact with Manny says, “I love you too.” Breaking her skanky little heart.
Well this episode hardly had any Wheels in it. It was just a brief cameo that he had. But it was probably done this way because the kid’s watching it probably had no idea who Wheels was to begin with. Once again I gotta point out how they just recycled old Degrassi story lines. But stay tuned for more posts. I thought I was done with School’s Out, but apparently, there’s plenty more to talk about.