Edit: Be sure to check out my new blog where I rip Degrassi The Next Generation a new asshole.
Ok peeps, you asked for it and now you’re gonna get it. That’s right! Here is the one and only episode that I’m going to watch for you all from the Next Generation, so I hope you all enjoy it. I’ve noticed that most of the episode titles are song titles. This one being a Paul Simon song, but I doubt the kids that watch this show have any idea who he even is.
Pre-Credit Opener: Yes even this show has a pre-credit opener. We open things up with a now older and googly eyed Emma asking her best friend Manny to read an email from some twink looking kid named Jordan. By the way, I’m hating the acoustic guitar music in the background. Anyways, Manny says that she’s read it six times already. Which tells me that apparently Emma can’t read. What the hell? Manny goes on to read the email that basically talks about this environmental bullshit. Emma swoons because this Jordan character wrote, “love you.” Oh lord. Emma has a magazine and she tells Manny not to rip it because she wants Caitlin to autograph it. And guess who’s on the cover, that’s right Caitlin. And goddamn, she is looking good still! The cover by the way says, “Ryan’s Planet.” We then cut to Spike and she’s aged pretty well too. So glad she finally got rid of that horrible hair of hers. She walks into Emma’s room, bitching her out about getting off the computer and cleaning her room. Seems like she’s still the same. Emma lies and tells her that she was just showing Manny her reunion website. We then get a bunch of what looks like publicity stills from Degrassi Junior High and High. They finally leave but Emma sees that she has a new email but she can’t read it due to Spike yelling at her to get her ass in gear.
Ah the stirring theme song sung by the Degrassi Children’s Tabernacle Choir. But then mid song, this black chick who sounds like the same singer from Christmas Vacation takes over the song and screech’s, “I know! I know, IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII, I know I can make it through.” The name of the show then comes up on some girl’s ass. Just like in Degrassi High.
Seems like Degrassi is now called Degrassi Community School. I don’t know why, but that sounds so lame to me! Spike drops the kids off with a bunch of crap for her 10 year reunion. They picked up some kid named JT and he’s such a wimp that he can’t even carry a few boxes. So of course as soon as they walk in he drops everything. While he’s doing that, Emma is going on and on about not being able to read her new email and talking about Jordan some more. Emma finds a picture of the Zit Remedy with Joey looking like an ass with that stupid wig he would put on at times. The picture does a huge close up of him and we all know what’s going to happen next.
Yup, we cut away from the kids and what a surprise, Joey became a sleazy used car salesman, and he’s trying to talk Lucy into buying a car. He’s completely bald now because you can tell he was losing his hair so he said fuck it and shaved it all off. I know I’d do the same. Lucy meanwhile looks old as fuck! What happened to her?! But she seems to have gotten her eye sight back and is walking about, but she still needs to use a cane to get around. Seems between the years Joey had a daughter named Angela and apparently Joey’s wife is dead and Joey doesn’t want to go to the reunion because of it.
Back to the school they run into Snake who’s a teacher there now and he looks way older than he should too. Probably because he’s losing his hair big time. So far Caitlin and Spike are the only one’s who have aged well. They give him the crap and then run away ignoring Snake telling them to stop running. We then run into this kid named Toby and his dad. They seem to be getting a private tour of the school by Mr Raditch himself. Seems like Raditch is principle now. Oh God no. JT and Toby seem to know each other and do a stupid Summer camp chant. Right away I can tell that they’re the new Yick and Arthur. Emma then sneaks into the computer lab to check her email from Jordan because she’s fucking obsessed with him.
We then cut back to Snake who’s going through old publicity stills, I mean photo’s of the old cast. Just then Caitlin pulls up in some prom limo talking to some guy named Keith on her old ass flip phone and they do a close up of an engagement ring on her hands, just so we know that she’s engaged to this person. But who gives a fuck, she walks up to the school and Caitlin still has a great ass. She definitely still has it going on. But it seems so strange to me that she would get dropped off at a school that she didn’t even go to, because it’s obvious that this is an entirely new building. She spots Snake and they hug and talk about how happy they are to see each other. I love how Snake’s not even embarrassed for ruining her and Joey’s relationship. Ok, now Joey and Lucy show up at Degrassi for no reason at all and both Joey and Caitlin look at each other with hurt in their eyes. Funny that they’re both not over their bad break up that happened ten years before.
In the computer lab Emma reads the email from Jordan and she informs Manny that Jordan is coming there to meet her. It says, “TOMORROW!”
Back to Caitlin and the rest of the old Degrassi gang. She’s telling them all about getting married to some director in LA. You can tell that she thinks she’s hot shit because of it. Joey all awkwardly says, “I always knew you’d meet the guy.” While he’s telling her that, Caitlin can’t stop staring at Angela, almost like, “You should have been mine!!” After that Joey confirms that he’s not going to go to the reunion, but Caitlin begs him to go have drinks with them that night. Lucy inviting herself along.
Showing what little kids they are. Emma and her crew are playing in a playground talking about Jordan. Both JT and Toby think that it’s some older guy pretending to be the kid. Emma being stupid get’s mad at them and tells Toby that he’s not a stranger since he emailed her his picture. So yeah, that totally makes it legit. They both continue to say that it seems strange that he’s coming over on a school trip since school is out for the Summer but Emma keeps insisting that Jordan is on the level. Seems like she was born without commonsense. They then have a stupid water gun fight.
Back in Emma’s room, both Spike and Caitlin are going through the reunion web site and looking at the same photo’s that we’ve seen through out the episode. Ok wait a second. Why is Caitlin even hanging out with Spike for? Besides Spike ripping her a new asshole for outing her being pregnant in the school newspaper they haven’t had an interaction since! So now they’re best friends? Ok, for this we’ll just have to assume that they became friends afterwards. Still annoying though. Going on, Caitlin admits to Spike that she actually picked out her own engagement ring, which really makes her sound pathetic. But then they’re interrupted by Emma acting like a shit head telling Spike to ask permission next time to enter and use her own goddamn computer. Emma then see’s Caitlin and acts like Caitlin is a huge deal. Spike then asks Emma if she got a new email from Jordan and right away Emma get’s all fucking pissed off accusing Spike of hacking her email. You can tell that Spike barely knows how to turn on the computer, let alone hack her email. Going by all this, I already don’t like Emma.
We then see Emma and Manny talking about any red flags in Jordan’s emails. But of course Emma doesn’t spot anything. Manny goes on to say that Toby does have a point in the dangers of meeting someone online. But it seems like Emma got her brains from a brain damaged Shane because she tells Manny that she can take care of herself. Manny then suggests that Emma talk to her mom, but she doesn’t want to do that either.
Later that night at the bar, Keith is talking to Snake about wanting to make a movie about teachers. “I’m working on a script about you guys, sort of a Dangerous Minds meets Footloose kind of thing.” This and the fact that he’s wearing shades inside pretty much confirms that Keith is a douchebag of the highest proportions. He then talks on the phone trying to sound like a big shot. Just then Lucy mentions Caitlin’s tv show and all the dumbass situations she get’s herself in. They then start talking about how great Lucy turned out. Not ending up a blind, cripple and almost getting her PH D. Oh boy, Lucy then brings up the accident and mentions how she got off easy. Fucking hell. After all these years you can tell that Snake is still angry at Wheels because of the accident. He says, “Sort of like Wheels, Kills a kid. Ten years later, Scott free.” What a fucking dick, I swear! He did his time Snake, fuck off! Joey then comes on the TV in a very cheesy commercial. Keith then goes on to insult Joey by calling him a shifty used car salesman. Caitlin goes on to mention how Joey hasn’t changed a bit from high school. Funny how Joey takes great offense to this and not the shit that Keith just told him. He goes on to tell Caitlin that he has changed, and so has she. Burn!
Snake comes up to Joey waiting for his cab at the bar and Joey tells Snake to get off his back because he knew it was a bad idea to have gone to the bar with them. Snake goes on to say that cutting off the world won’t bring back his dead wife. Joey goes on to say that that’s the reason why he doesn’t want to go to the stupid reunion because it will just make him feel worse. Snake of course hit’s the nail on the head and asks him if it’s because of Caitlin. Joey then starts going off about Keith saying what a fucking asshole he is. Snake then mentions that Joey is just dwelling in a world of self pity. Fuck you Snake! God I hate him so much!
Emma is fast asleep but is woken up by Caitlin, Spike and Lucy singing a drunken rendition of Everybody Wants Something. Caitlin has a talk with Emma on the stairs about Jordan. Emma tells her that her friends don’t think she should be with him. She’s only leaving out a huge fucking detail and doesn’t mention how he’s off from the internets. Caitlin once again tries to help, and once again proves that whenever she tries to help, she makes things about ten times worse. She ends up telling Emma to go for it and take a chance. In the kitchen both Spike and Lucy mention how they can’t stand Keith’s annoying, pretentious ass. Emma goes up to her room and emails Jordan that she would love to meet him. What a fucking moron, but what do you expect from a dumb kid.
It’s finally the day of the big reunion and Spike is a nervous wreck. She looks pretty good in her dress, but then she just has to ruin things by saying, “I feel like I’m going to the prom that I never got to go to.” Then get’s disgusted at herself for saying that. But whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop the clock! She totally went to her formal when Snake dumped her for Michelle. Spike is completely making up her own memories now. It’s clear that Emma wants Spike to leave already so that she can go get ready and see Jordan.
At the school everyone is just starting to show up and Snake tells Caitlin and Keith to take a tour of the new Degrassi, but Keith weasel’s out of it by saying he’s going to go get them some drinks instead. As she’s going on the tour she spots Joey’s corny ass.
We then cut to Emma and Manny talking on the phone. Emma tells her that she’s not going to go see Jordan after all and is just going to stay in to watch some environmental show. Manny says, “I can help you research.” Holy shit, what a couple of nerds! Who researches a show like that? Anyways, Emma tells her no cause that would ruin her meeting Jordan.
Shit, glad to see Maya is still in her wheel chair. But why is that black chick Joy pushing her around? And why isn’t she with Caitlin? She was only up her ass about everything when they were in high school. See, it’s little things like that, that annoy the hell out of me. Going on, Joey apologizes to her and is rambling about wanting to be friends with her again. She begs him to stay and that it wouldn’t be a reunion without him there. But they’re interrupted by Allison. She looks older, but still hot as hell. She tells Joey how sexy it was that he ripped off his shirt in his commercial and drags him off to have some free drinks.
Meanwhile Emma goes to the hotel to meet Jordan. She calls him up and leaves him a message that she’s down there waiting for him. At Toby’s house, Manny shows up and tells Toby and JT that she has a bad feeling. Seems like she went to Emma’s house and she wasn’t there and she won’t answer her phone. Toby goes on to tell some story about a girl who got killed because she met someone online. He then decides that they should totally invade Emma’s privacy and read her email.
Back at the school Joey over hears Keith and Allison talking and it seems like he doesn’t want to marry the goddess Caitlin. What an asshole, he tells Allison that he’s about to make it big so Caitlin’s career would have to take a back seat to his. Joey doesn’t like this one bit. Allison of course is acting like a huge fucking gold digger, but Keith is going for it. Telling her that he would love to take her out if she were ever to go to LA.
At the hotel this guy with a pizza asks Emma if she’s Emma. She asks him who the fuck he is and he tells her that he’s Jordan’s teacher and that he’s heard all about her. Ok, at this point anyone with a brain would put two and two together and gotten the hell out of there. But not Emma. He invites her up to have some pizza with Jordan and some other kids, but she isn’t too sure about it. She’s then suckered in because he mentions that Jordan brought some stupid environmental petition for her to sign. So up goes Emma into the Temple of Doom.
Back at Toby’s, they seem to be having a hard time answering Emma’s email security question. At the same time Emma is seen going into that creepy guy’s hotel room. He confirms that he’s a pedo because he looks around before he goes into the room behind her. He knocks on a door and pretends to call the kids in for some pizza. Emma should have realized how much deep shit she’s in, because kids that age fucking rush in just to get a single slice of pizza before it’s all gone. But it seems like she’s still willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Oh boy, he has a video camera on his bed and he tells her that they’re making a video journal of their trip. But it’s really a device to showcase Emma on child porn sites throughout the world. She finally picks up on how full of shit this guy is and she tries to leave the room, but she can’t open the fucking door for some reason so she lock’s herself in the bathroom. She says, “You’re Jordan aren’t you?” Well no fucking shit Emma! Everyone just warned you about him all episode long!
At the reunion Raditch is going on about Caitlin and introduces her to give a speech. In the crowd I notice Kathleen, Diana, Trish, someone who looks like Alex, but he looks fucking horrible. Back at Joey’s table Joey makes a scene with Allison and Keith. Joey goes on to call Keith a loser for coming to his fiance’s reunion and tells a slut like Allison that he’s going to break things off with Caitlin once he makes it big. But I don’t remember Keith saying that. He just wanted Allison as a side bitch while he’s still banging Caitlin. Anyways, Simon and Alexa catch wind of this and look over all pissed off. They seemed to have aged pretty good too. Keith goes on to tell Joey to mind his own fucking business, but Joey says that Caitlin is his friend so he’s making it his business. Uh oh. Them’s fighting words. Keith tells Joey to relax and lightly slaps Joey on the face. Joey get’s pissed and tries to grab Keith but Keith punches him. God, Joey is still a fucking puss who is getting beat up by people. Keith then get’s him in a head lock but Joey get’s out of it. Ha. Look at Yick there trying to break up the fight. Just then Keith’s phone rings and Joey picks it up. He tells Keith, “Is this what you want?” and starts to bitch slap him a few times before Simon comes and tells Joey to cut it out. Caitlin comes around and asks them what the hell is going on. Keith tries to bullshit his way out, but Allison ruins shit by saying, “So he has doubt’s about getting married, who doesn’t?” Yup, once again Caitlin get’s her heart broken and runs off.
In the hotel bathroom the pedo is telling Emma that he couldn’t tell her his real age because she would stop writing to him. She says that she wants to go home and he tells her that he’s going to go down to the lobby and she can leave. Emma being stupid believes him because she heard the door open and close.
Back at Degrassi Caitlin is crying to Joey in the bathroom and bitching about almost being 30 and not really having a serious relationship. She blames it on always working, but it’s really just her. She goes on to tell Joey how desperate she was to get married that she basically got with anyone. Joey then starts to kiss her ass by telling her how awesome she is. She then mentions his wife Julia and wonders how the hell did Joey know she was the one for him. Joey starts to say that he loved that she called him Joe and she was basically the cat’s meow. Joey ends his monologue by saying how lucky he was that a greaseball like him got with such a wonderful woman. You can say that again.
Back at Toby’s they’re still trying to figure out Emma’s security password. He finally figure’s out that the password is The Pogues because they saw yet another still photograph of Spike sporting the shirt. Probably when she met that horse faced Irish guy Patrick. Emma finally tries to make a run for it, but the door is locked. I don’t know why she’s having so much trouble opening it though. The guy pops out of no where and he tells Emma, “One noise and I tape your mouth and I don’t think you’d want that.” Emma is so boned now.
Oh God! We go back to Toby’s and he’s wasting time by schooling JT and Manny how the creepy pedo guy got into Emma’s emails and basically told her what she wanted to hear. He correctly guessed that Emma was stupid enough to fall for it. No one is interested in the environment damn it!
This is getting creepier by the minute. We see the guy set up his camera on a high angle towards the bed. Emma is just sitting there trying not to cry. She should have kicked him in the balls while he was doing all that. He has some real balls though, because he mentions how her mom is at her reunion and doesn’t even know that she’s missing.
Finally Toby finds out what hotel they’re at and they run all the way to Degrassi. But Toby can’t keep up with JT and Manny because he’s a bit of a chubby dork. HAHA! At the dance we hear the same ballad that was heard in the end credits of the School’s Out movie. Snake and Spike are talking about God knows what, Spike saying that Snake has gotten smoother during the last ten years. But he really hasn’t. Just as Snake is closing the deal, they’re interrupted by JT, Toby and Manny. Toby wheezing to death while JT and Manny talk over each other trying to warn Spike about Emma. Suddenly we see Spike coming out of the school with Snake calling the police.
In the hotel room this guy is giving Mr Colby a run for his money for being a huge fucking creep. Smelling her hair, touching her hands. Snake and Spike finally get into the hotel running like maniacs. Back in the room the guys touches Emma’s lips and says, “I feel so close to you.” But they’re interrupted by Spike pounding on the door. Just then Emma yells out, “MOM!” And bites the perv’s hand. She does a back flip and finally opens the goddamn door. Even though she couldn’t do it twice before. She rushes out and Spike looks at her like what the fuck? Snake grabs the guy and shoves him against the wall. He says, “You make a move and I’m going to break your neck.” But please, if he wasn’t intimidated by his height, the guy could easily give Snake a swift kick to his gluteus assimus. But the Mounties finally arrive to arrest the guy.
Back at Spike’s house. She’s talking to this detective and he mentions how the guy is a repeat offender, but thanks to the ass load of evidence in Spike’s hard drive, they think that they can finally put him away for good. He goes on to tell her, “When this comes back, keep it down stairs, keep the cyber stalkers out of her room.” Yeah, no shit. Nice parenting Spike!
In Emma’s room, she apologizes for ruining her reunion. But Spike get’s into it with her and tells her how could she do something so fucking stupid like that. Emma tries to reason that she simply made a mistake and that she’s a dumb kid so it’s to be expected. Spike tells her that she’s not dumb and that’s why she doesn’t get why she pulled that shit. But she is dumb Spike! Turns out that Emma kept this guy a secret for eight months. Spike tells her that she can talk to her about anything. But Emma tells Spike that she can’t talk to her cause she’s her mom and she doesn’t remember what it’s like to be a kid. I swear Spike told her mom the same thing all the way back in Degrassi Junior High, so she must have had a flash back when she heard this. Spike goes on to say that she does remember and makes Emma promise to talk to her about things. No matter what. Emma finally breaks down crying and says, “Mommy I was so scared!” Spike cries too and hugs it out with her and that’s how this episode ends, with Emma’s crying face in a freeze frame.
So yeah, you guys are out of your fucking minds if you think I’m going to review the entire series. I was all, “Yeah, this should take me about an hour to write up.” Meanwhile this took me about three hours to write. I don’t know why, but this just took forever to get through. But I have heard that there was a scene where Wheels showed up at the reunion and asked Lucy for forgiveness. But it wasn’t in the version I saw. This was an ok episode. It was good to see what some characters were up to since the original series ended. Some aged like a fine wine and others looked like complete shit. It would have been good to see what all the other characters were up to though.