Pre-credit opener: Joey’s going on about some bullshit that a record company executive is interested in the Zit Remedy. Snake points out that they only have two songs, but all we’ll ever hear is just one. Over and over through out the series. Lucy then comes in in complete joy to announce that Mr Raditch is in the hospital. Apparently Raditch had his appendix out and then they all rejoice at the thought of having a substitute teacher for a while. What a bunch of heartless little bastards. They then reminiscence about all the past subs that they’ve tortured in the past. Lucy saying, “They’re just a bunch of fossils and losers who can’t get a real job.” In walks Mr Colby. He’ll be better known later on as the sex demon of Degrassi Junior High.
I guess a few days have passed because he knows all their names already and going over an assignment. It’s pretty obvious that he’s taking a liking to Lucy. LD with her greasy looking hair notices. Lucy then tells the twins that she got an A+, Erica says that she’s Mr Colby’s pet. They then start going on about how fine he is. But come on! This guy is ugly as hell with his stupid Cosby sweaters.
Stephanie interrupts all this by going off on Alexa again. Saying that Simon likes her just because she gave her her slutty clothes in the last episode. Mr Colby says goodbye to the girls and the twins act like they wanna have a threesome with him.
We then cut to the Zit Remedy performing their hit, “Everybody Wants Something”. Alexa and Simon like it so much that they clap and the Zits take a bow at this. It’s hilarious to watch, cause they really do suck. Joey then starts going on about how he doesn’t trust Simon. They want to continue but Wheels says that he can’t. His parents are super pissed and want him to get some tutoring from Ms Avery. She asks him if he made an eye appointment and he said tomorrow. Turns out Wheels can’t continue being a Zit due to all the tutoring he needs.
In the girls restroom, LD asks Lucy if her dirty unkempt hair looks better up or down. Turns out she wants to be a female now. Lucy lies and says that she looks great either way. LD says that no guys notice her because she looks so fucking butch. Lucy then invites LD over to her house to do a make over. LD says, “Seriouthly?” That lisp is still in full effect. Lucy says, “Fur Sure!” Then goes into a stall to take a big dump.
Well goddamn, this is like the 5th sub plot here. Shane comes along and tells Spike that he finally told his parents. He says that they were super pissed and that they want everyone to talk now. Spike is like, “Fuck!” This is something she didn’t want. To have to talk to Benjamin Franklin and Thelma Harper. Shane in passing mentions that his dad is a minister.
After school Mr Colby says that he liked Lucy’s paper about Voula moving away. When I first saw this episode as a teen I was pissed. I was all, “What?!” “No more Voula?!” “What the motherfuck?!” Lucy mentions how they’re still friends and are going to a movie on Saturday. While all this is happening LD notices that Mr Colby keeps touching Lucy.
We get to Lucy’s and she plays the messages from her answering machine. It’s her mom and of course they won’t be there for dinner again. Then she mentions how she needs to get ready for her court case. We then hear the voice of an angel. Voula. She called to tell her that she can’t make it to the movie, that her parents said she can’t see her. So at this point my teenage hopes were completely dashed that we’d ever see Voula again. Lucy then mentions how Voula is changing anyways, due to her moving to the ‘burbs.
The make over is finally happening and holy shit! Lucy somehow managed to make LD look even more hideous. They talk about something, but I’m so distracted by LD. She totally looks like a dude in drag. Oh yeah, she mentions how Colby is creepy and is too close to Lucy. Lucy being an idiot blows her off. After that, LD leaves and promises not to take off the make up, but two seconds later she rubs all that crap off of her face.
Back in class there’s a major heated debate going on about the death penalty. During this debate Mr Colby sits on Lucy’s desk and fucking outright just starts looking down her shirt. I mean he’s not even subtle about it, he get’s a good 15 second look. LD with the eyes of a hawk notices. After class Stephanie calls Alexa a thief as they’re walking out and the Zits are upset about Wheels not being able to play anymore. That’s when they notice that Lucy and Mr Colby are alone in class. Joey saying, “Lucy and Colby, together again.”
Look at this motherfucker, he even has a trench coat on and now he looks like a flasher! LD finally tells Lucy that he was looking down her shirt. Lucy get’s pissed and says that LD is too chicken to wear make up and talk to boys. Then says that she’s jealous. LD in a fit of rage shouts, “Well at least I don’t shoplift!” She nailed her with that one. Lucy saying, “See if I ever help you again.” But she didn’t. She made LD look like a living nightmare.
The next day we see that Wheels has gotten some serial killer glasses. He’s happy to be complemented by the twins. He then asks the dudes what they think and he starts going off on all sorts of reasons why he needed them. Joey says they look cool. But then being a dick head says, “You’re not going to wear that on stage are you?” Wheels says, “What about John Lennon?” Joey showing what a stupid ignorant fuck he is says, “Who?”
Alexa then hands Stephanie a garbage bag filled with her clothes. She says that her mom found them and said that they make her look like a “lady of the evening.” She goes on to say that she’s grounded til judgement day. Steph being a smug bitch says that they looked really good on her too.
The Zits are heading to rehearse some more and they hear someone rocking out on the bass. Turns out that it’s Simon and he’s sort of alright at playing it. Joey and Snake being stupid think that he’s awesome and instantly want to recruit him to be the newest Zit.
We then get a shot of the lesbian janitor of the school Luella singing and mopping. I don’t know why we’re being shown this. Maybe to show that it’s after school and the place is slowly being emptied out. That or they just wanted to fill in some air time.
This is the most intense part of the episode. It feels so much like an after school special, I can’t stand it! Mr Colby comes in all seductively. He says that he knew that she was mature beyond her years. He then mentions how he got divorced. His wife probably caught him jacking off to midget porno mags. He goes on to say that he’s interested in people like themselves and they should help each other. He goes on to put his hand on her shoulder and Lucy instantly get’s uncomfortable. He tells her to relax and not be so tense. It’s so fucking creepy due to his voice. I think this guy really was a pedophile outside his acting gig, because he’s too good in the part.
We cut to Wheels thank God and he says that he forgot his book. So he heads out to get it. Colby is going on about her scarf and says that silk is so sensual. That’s when Wheels notices Colby being all over Lucy through the class room window door, and barges in. Mr Colby get’s instantly pissed because he’s now lost his hard on.While Colby is shouting at Wheels to get his goddamn book Lucy makes a run for it. Wheels and Colby then have the mother of all stare downs.
Lucy comes home and wants her parents but of course they’re never around. Lucy starts crying, finally figuring out what a sick sack of shit Mr Colby is. She was only warned all episode long by LD. What a dummy! LD comes over to give Lucy her scarf back and Lucy breaks down even more. LD says, “Hug it out bitch.” And that’s exactly what they do.
Now that we’re at the end of the episode we close off all the little sub plots. The next day, those two assholes Joey and Snake inform Wheels how they’ve replaced him with Simon. Wheels is all, “What happens when I come back?” Stupid Joey says that they’ll be the first rock band with two bass players.
The twins are waiting for Steph to come out of the restroom and out she comes. Once again transformed into super skank. She lasted only two episodes being “the real me.” She says hi to Simon and Simon says, “Hi twins.” The look of confusion on Steph’s face. Priceless!
Mr Colby then comes by wearing the same ugly Cosby sweater but in a different color. He tries to convince Lucy that nothing happened the other day. The perv having no shame and really showing some balls says that he wants to see her again after school. Lucy finally tells him to fuck off, leaving Mr Colby with a demented look on his face.
Wheels talks to Lucy and says that he saw Mr Colby touching her and that if she needs a witness, he has her back. She says thanks and smiles. I hate it when episodes end so open ended like this. It’s pretty obvious that Lucy let Mr Colby get away with it.
This was a pretty good episode, the good being that for once we weren’t subjected to another boring Arthur and Yick storyline.