So this episode is a classic one.
Pre credit opener: Melanie is checking out her pimple tits in the Degrassi Junior High girls locker room. Apparently she’s on the swim team. LD comes along. She’s a real butch girl in grade 8 and no. LD does not stand for Long Dick. It’s short for Lorraine Delacorte.
Melanie bitches to her about wanting to wear a bra but that her mom doesn’t allow her to get one. We notice that they both have a sexy lisp going on. Melanie asks her, “I need a bra right?” LD replies, “I gueth” and Melanie responds with, ” It’s obviouth”. After that bullshit they go on to destroy another school at their swim meet because Melanie and LD are beasts at swimming.
Raditch dismisses his class and Joey brags about getting an A in Sex education to Stephanie Kaye. Hoping that he’s impressing her. He isn’t. Then Joey again does the tired routine of putting a new initial in his name. This time it’s “Joey P Jeremiah. The P is for Playboy.” But he goes no where fast because LD and her bug eyes interrupt, telling Steph all about the girls swim meet that no one gives two fucks about.
Steph informs LD that she doesn’t do sports, The Sports rep Jason Cox does. And oh boy, this kid is a horrible actor.
We then go to Yick and Arthur measuring to see how tall they are. I’m just going to point out that most their story lines are always boring as hell. Moving on, both are just about 5 feet tall. They then see Archie (Snake) Simpson pass by. Melanie has goo goo eyes towards him and it’s obvious she wants his dick.
Who can blame her. Snake’s been 6′ 2″ since he was 9. He is a dork, but with his height it automatically makes him cooler by default. Especially since all she has in her grade are those two nerdy losers Yick and Arthur, so the pickings are slim.
Jason Cox then gives the scores and doesn’t mention the girls teams. This sets off LD to confront Jason Cox and the boys soccer team.
Jason Cox then tells them that no one gives a motherfuck about girls sports. LD then makes fun of the fact that the boys haven’t won a game all season long. Even fat Nancy has LD’s back and Nancy isn’t remotely interested in anything sports related. All she knows is eating and shitting.
Anyways LD challenges the tools in the Soccer team to a swim race, hence the name of the episode, “The Great Race.”
LD’s riled up now, vowing to kick the boys ass. Melanie is still going on about her tits. So LD like the audience get’s tired of hearing about it and takes her to a department store to buy a bra. It’s pretty obvious that LD doesn’t know a thing about being a female because she puts a bra on her face.
So a lady comes and measure’s Melanie’s sunken chest and picks out a bra for her.
Once again in Stephanie’s office, the rest room. LD is telling Steph about the swim meet. But I’m so distracted by LD’s lisp, I don’t hear a thing. Melanie comes out of a stall and now has pointy tits thanks to her bra.
As soon as she comes out, Caitlin makes a WTF face and then that dickhead Joey comes around and says, “Nice bra Melanie, got any kleenix?” Tracy Morgan loves it so much, he makes a joke of his own. I guess this points out on how females go through a lot of bullshit when they’re around this age. Especially from asshole guys like Joey and Tracy.
We then cut to Wheels, Jason Cox and this chubby Asian nerd named Wai Li I think, talking about the upcoming race. Wheels knows they have no chance in hell in beating LD and Melanie because it’s pretty clear that the boys haven’t hit puberty yet. Jason Cox comes up with the idea to get Snake into the team because he’s supposedly good at swimming but a terrible soccer player.
We then get bored to tears with Yick and Arthur’s ongoing saga about wanting to figure out what makes Snake such a giant. Jason Cox then comes along to recruit Snake into the boys soccer team. Snake being a square says that it doesn’t seem right. Jason Cox then manipulates Snake into joining anyways. Yick and Arthur continue to stare at Snake like two huge creepy losers, they ask him what he’s eating and decide to eat a gallon of yogurt.
Meanwhile back in class Mr Raditch is reading from a play and talking in a real fruity voice. Degrassi Junior High’s biggest nerd Alex Yankou decides to fuck with Melanie by snapping her bra.
Joey is still being a shithead and mentions how he can’t wait to see Melanie in a bathing suit. So she decides she’s had enough and quits the team.
This is one of those times when I hate Joey so much because he needs a swift kick to the balls, he’s so obnoxious.
Next we’re tortured some more with Yick and Arthur. They’re still spying on Snake and see what he’s eating, a candy bar. So of course they buy about a dozen and make themselves sick. They revealed this as they’re hanging from some bars, trying to stretch themselves out. What a couple of dip shits. I’m so glad this part of the story is over because it really was a huge borefest.
It’s finally time for the big race! The boys realize that Snake isn’t around. Wheels and the chubby Asian kid want to kick Jason Cox’s ass for getting them into this predicament.
Meanwhile the girls are also missing Melanie so they think they’re fucked. Steph comes in saying that she was going to wear this really slutty bikini but there’s so many people out there she doesn’t want to show her bod off for some reason.
Snake and Melanie then have a heart to heart about wanting to do what you want and not letting a fuckhead like Joey ruin everything.
Snake decides not to swim and now Melanie has the Eye of the Tiger. The girls swim team come out and there’s cheers and boos. The boys team get’s an equal amount of cheers and jeers. Melanie then comes out in her bathing suit. Makes you wish that Wai Lee was ashamed of his body, because just look at him.
So Joey of course can’t resist being an insufferable asshole and says “Hey Melanie, you’re so flat the walls are jealous.” LD loses her mind and Hulks out. She grabs Joey and shoves his puny ass into the pool.
I don’t know why, but I felt bad for Joey. I know, it totally flies in the face of everything I’ve been saying about him so far. I think it’s a sign of this show driving me slowly insane. But I can’t wait until they get to high school because Joey is such a better person than he is here. He’s still a bit of an idiot, but he seemed to have stopped being a fucking cock. But I’m getting ahead of myself here.
At last the race. Stephanie wearing the same slutty outfit she used for picture day declares the race open and starts them off with a starters pistol.
LD destroy’s Jason Cox easily and get’s a bit of a lead. Wai Li and Wheels were no factor at all in this epic battle between the sexes. Since they’re a man short it’s up to Jason Cox to swim an iron man race and has to go twice to beat Melanie. Her flat surfaces definitely give her an advantage and she glides swiftly along like a torpedo and kicks his ass. The girls win and Melanie is the hero!
What an episode long build up for a race that only lasted about 30 seconds.